Missing Marine, Eric Hall

I am using my blog as a way to get information across to anyone that may casually glance at my pages. I hope out of all of my post this is the one that does the most good. this is information about a former classmate, Eric Hall. He is a former Marine who has been missing since the beginning of the month and the search is now nationwide. The following is an article that has updated information about what they have learned so far. I ask that you spread the word some how even if you just copy and paste this some where. Every bit of help is appreciated!!!!


Search for missing Marine now nationwide
(Last updated: February 14, 2008 5:31 PM)

By GREG MARTIN
Staff Writer

A search team's bloodhound working to track a disabled former Marine who disappeared while suffering a “flashback” from his aunt's Deep Creek home 12 days ago led his handler to an area where tractor-trailer trucks park behind a Port Charlotte gas station Wednesday night.

That suggests the missing man, Eric W. Hall, 24, could have caught a ride with a trucker and departed the area, theorized Mike Bodah, executive director for the Southwest Florida K-9 Search Unit.

However, Bodah emphasized that the dogs can't tell him what happened to Hall. The handlers can only try to interpret the way the dogs are acting, he explained.

“The dogs can see things we can't,” he said.

So, he said the team has advised the Hall family it would be prudent to continue local search operations until Eric's location is confirmed. The team also offered to return to conduct more tracking, if another area of interest is identified, Bodah said.

Meanwhile, the missing man's family and others are taking steps to expand the search to both more local areas and nationwide, according to Becky Hall, Eric's mother.

“We just want him to let us know he's okay and he's not hurt,” said his mother. “That's the big thing.”

Sheriff's deputies and volunteers, many of them combat veterans who empathize with Hall, have been trying to locate him since Feb. 3, when he left his aunt's house on his motorcycle.

The motorcycle and his helmet were found in a wooded area off Sulstone Drive a short while later. But, Hall hasn't been seen since.

After serving in both Afghanistan and Iraq, Hall was medically retired from the Marines after getting seriously injured by a roadside bomb in Fallujah in June 2005.

His mental state had deteriorated recently, according to a Charlotte County Sheriff's report. He had been acting like he was shooting an invisible gun at people who were not in the house, and stated that people were “coming to get him,” the family told deputies.

Earlier Wednesday, the K-9 team tracked Hall in a circle around the area where his motorcycle was abandoned. The team also put the dogs on a trail in a wooded area behind the Visani comedy club.

From there, the dogs led the team north on the sidewalk along Kings Highway to a commercial area at Peachland Boulevard.

After one of the dogs, a bloodhound named “George,” tracked Hall's scent to a truck parking area behind the Shell Station, the team put two other dogs, a bloodhound named “Clark” and a yellow lab named “Hutch,” on the trail consecutively, and they seemed to confirm the results.

All three dogs first cut through a Burger King restaurant's parking lot, then circled around the gas station, then around the Waffle House restaurant.

All three then ended up stopping between two semi trucks behind the gas station, said Bodah. The trucks had their engines idling as if that was a place they could park to rest, he said.

“So, what we can say is that the track ends there at this point in time,” he said. “Does that mean that he got into a semi truck? I can't answer that question. But we have advised the family it would perhaps be wise to put flyers out at truck stops.”

The searches have helped rule out some possibilities, Becky Hall indicated.

“There's one thing we can say, we found no evidence that he's out there (in the woods) roaming around,” she said.

Volunteers are now putting up flyers about Eric's disappearance along U.S. 41, she said.

Also, the family is exploring whether an alert for truckers to be on the lookout for Eric could be broadcast on “trucker radio,” Becky Hall said.

The family has also listed Eric as missing with the Cue Center for Missing Persons, a national organization, she said.

Some of the efforts are coming unsolicited.

Ronald A. Salvi of North Port said he contacted his daughter, a media chief for the U.S. Marines at the Pentagon, after reading stories about the search for Hall.

“The Marines now have a nationwide lookout and alert for him,” Salvi said, in an e-mail to the Sun.

An attempt to contact his daughter, Sgt. Christina C. Delai, for comment was unsuccessful.

Thomas “Cajun” McCarthy, a local advocate for homeless people who has volunteered to help search, suggested the family also contact major truck stops because they have a system to advertise information to truckers nationwide.

In fact, the company Transcore provides such digital display advertising at 1,200 truck stops nationwide at a cost of $500 for two weeks. Typically, the system is used to notify truckers where they could find loads to haul, but it is also used to locate missing trucks, and sometimes, people, said Melissa Tooley, company spokeswoman.

The Southwest Florida K-9 team has assisted area police agencies in numerous searches, including one about a year ago for an ill man who walked away from a Fort Myers nursing home. The dogs led their handlers to a bus stop, Bodah said.

The team notified Fort Myers Police who checked with the bus driver, who said he dropped the man off at a Walmart store. The police then went to the store.

“They found him lying on a bench in diabetic shock,” Bodah said.

“We have tremendous confidence in our dogs,” he said. “That being said, dogs are sometimes like people; on any particular day, you just don't know, depending on the weather, the wind, whether they're going to be able to pick up the scent.”

The team, which has traveled as far as Indiana to conduct searches, works on on a volunteer basis. Bodah earns his living as a certified public accountant.

“We love to be with our dogs and that's certainly a part of it,” he said. “But in the end, it's really and truly about trying to unite people with their families.

“I can't tell you the satisfaction involved even when you find a body,” he added. “People want their loved ones home.”

People with information about Eric Hall's location can call Becky Hall at (502)500-7732 or the Sheriff's Office at (941)639-0013

Irritation

what is to you that I decided to do my hair or wear make-up? I mean why am I constantly asked "why did you doll yourself up today for?" or "who are you trying to impress?" or " Your make-up looks good" Do I have to have a reason for wanting to possess a little femine qualities once in a while? These are the reasons that I don't "doll" myself up on the regular basis. Yes I understand that these are forms of compliments but come on now do I really need to justify why I chose these actions? I have never been that into wearing make-up or doing my hair all pretty like everyday, it is just not me. My favorite "compliment" would have to be "you look nice/good today" What do I look like any other day? Wait, don't answer that cause I really don't care. I don't do these things for attention or to please others. I do this cause I feel like it at the moment. But the comments are enough to make me not want to do it. I am getting tired of having to have a reason to do these things and getting tired of people expecting an explanation. how bout next time you just don't say anything at all...

Cowinky-dink

So yesterday I am just sitting at home doing what I am doing right now (playing on the computer) when the doorbell rings. Hmm... I wondered cause no one ever comes over to my place to visit. Well I looked out of the peep-hole to see who it was. The person looked familiar and it took me a minute to realize why. This guy at my door was my old friend from middle school and high school, kellen. I have no clue how he got my address but there he was. So I opened the door and said hello. He started talking, something about loud noise last night and apologizing. ( ray was complaining about a party going on downstairs from the new neighbor's apartment) then he stopped and just looked at me. Finally it dawned on him that he knew me and he just went nuts. long story short apparently he is my new neighbor and we didn't even know it

The beginning of the end

It felt so good, you couldn't tell him to stop. You weren't worried about the consequences of what you did this night. It would have only taken a sec to slide it on but you choose to take the risk. Now it is two months later. Staring at the lines on that stick, you begin to freak out. This is the beginning of the end of your life.

You don't know what you are going to do. You didn't want this. Well you should have thought about that before you decided to go without your protection. There is always one option but you know you could never do that. You could always, no you couldn't do that either. You know that the only thing you can do is accept responsibility and accept that this is the beginning of the end of your life.

Nausea, cravings, weight gain, mood swings you are so over these but yet you press on. Slowly you will start to accept what is going on and even look forwards to it. Hey,there are some who are not even as lucky as you that can even be in the situation you are in. There has to be a reason that this is happening to you at this point in your life. Maybe this is not the beginning of the end for you.

This could possibly be a good thing for you. I know that you are going to worry about whether you are doing it right, they all do. But I know that you have it in you and you will do just fine. So don't be depressed and think that your life is over. Your life is just beginning. I will be there through it all when you need someone. You know I will.

So don't think of it as the beginning of the end. This could be the greatest moment of your life.

I stole this from melissa who stole it from Amanda~~~

Hi my name is:Erica
When I'm nervous: Cry, stutter
By this time next year: Still in school still at Walmart
Last night: Busy

PART 1: YOU

Were you a planned baby? I think
Were you the first? yep.
Are your parents still married? yep.

PART 2: YOUR PERSONALITY

Do you have low self esteem? Yes
Do you get depressed about things easily? not really except death
Are you happy right now? truthfully? For the most part

PART 3: APPEARANCE

Are you comfortable with the way you look? no not realy
Describe your hair: shoulder length pain in the ass
Where do you buy most of your clothes? wherever i find something i like.

PART 4: RANDOM

Ever been kicked out of a bar? no.
Ever drunk dial an ex? oh yea and I do not recommend it
Can you tie a cherry stem using your tongue? sometimes usually by accident

PART 5: THE OUTDOORS

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors? outdoors
Do you like walking in the rain? yes
Do you like thunderstorms? love them.

PART 6: FOOD

Are you a vegetarian? no.
Anything you absolutely could eat forever? chicken alfredo with broccoli
What is your favorite dessert? ice cream

PART 7: RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE

Do you want to get married? I already am
Have you ever been in love? yes and still am
Are you in a relationship now? yuppers

PART 8: RANDOM QUESTIONS

1. Where is your cell phone? in the living room
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? husband
3. Your hair? a pain in the ass that I received from my daddy
4. Your style? lately? whatever I like
5. Cheesecake? One of the nastiest things ever created
6. Siblings? 3
7. Your dream last night? something about walmart
8. Your favorite drink? big red
9. Car you want? dodge ram
10. The room you are in: computer room
11. Your life goal? to just be happy
12. Your fears? death
13. Piercings? ears and tongue.
14. Tonight? work
15. Last night? work
16. Check out Superbad? nope but i own it.
17. One of your wish list items? laptop
18. Where did you grow up? jeffersonville.
19. Favorite movie[s]? horror or thriller
20. What are you wearing?my comfy christmas pajamas
21. Tattoos? 10~~butterfy on chest, dragon on right arm, rose w/tribal and ray's name on left arm,tribal lizard on right forearm, tribal heart on left forearm, kanji symbol for strength on right wrist, memorial tattoo on right calf, custom koi with waves on left calf amd huge ass koi on inner left calf. ( my left leg from knee to ankle is going to be a japanese inspired sleeve)
22. Ketchup? don't really care for it
23. Your computer? needs to be upgraded
24. Your friends?could not live without
25. Your mood? chilled
26. Missing? my friends
27. What are you thinking about right now? my grandma
28. Your car/truck is? expensive
29. Your work? really aggravating and stressful
30. Your summer? hot but welcomed
31. Your favorite song? mmmbop not really. play by david banner but I have many others
32. Your favorite color(s)? black, red, pink
33. When is the last time you laughed? earlier.
34. Last time you cried? couple days ago
35. High school? Jeffersonville HIgh School. GO BIG RED!!
36. Last text? Chris
37. Last received call? Mom
39. Crushing? ???
40. Love? incredible

To those that matter

The ones in my life should know that they are really special to be there. I only allow a few to be in my life that I think are truly benefical to me. Sure I have made some bad choices of who these people are but I also learned a few things from those experiences. I would not be where I am if not for the interactions that I have with these people. Everyone in my life brings me joy and happiness in their own way. I would not have it any other way. Even those that are in my life just through others or on here (blogger). I am thankful that there are people who are willing to take time out of their lives to get to know me and befriend me.

I may not be the best at showing how much they mean but I always try to make sure they know one way or another. It is wonderful to have people that can help me see different situations from different perspectives. Plus whenever I need advice they are there.

Ray, especially, has been more than awesome. Yes I know that we have had our rough patches and there have been times that it wasn't pretty. But in the end he has always been there for me. I know he loves me with all that he has and would do anything for me. He is the greatest man that I have ever known. My love for him is greater than anything I have felt before and I really enjoy this feeling. Sitting back and just looking at him still causes that rush of emotions that it cause back in the early part of our relationship. Just now it is more intense.

But anyways I was really writing this to thank all of you that are in my life. I value each frinedship and aquaintance.

Life is breath. © Cindy

To wake
To rise
Struggling,
fighting with ones self.
Or maybe following your path
and the destiny
he set out, with ease.

How we don’t more often question
The true big picture, to all this.

Living so freely.

When young
there’s no real pondering
on when it all ends, even how?
Such innocence and engaging
natural smiles.
Sane with their trust
and faith yet to be crushed.
Labelled dangerous to argue
and pushed to go with the flow.
We all do,
only know my eyes are open.
I’m still young and always
enjoy the journey.

Life is breath.
Inhale,
Exhale,
Breathe
it all in.

All is lost

Read, Read, Read
Decipher, Decipher, Decipher

This is all I seem capable of doing these days. Even though I like to think that I am pretty good at the second part, I still get lost and confused on somethings. Reading your words of despair, sadness, depression and just overall darkness has me worried. What has happened since? Thinking everyday about what you are doing and what is going on. Every time I talk to you I can sense something. Something that is troubling you and causing a dark time in your life. It may not even just be one thing but there is something. Our chats are always brief so I can never accomplish anything. I feel useless and that I have let you down. I am pretty sure that I have let you down and I do apologize. I know that an apology will not fix things but it is all that I can offer right now.

Have you given up? I wish you wouldn't cause all is not lost! I am trying to reach out but cannot find a hand reaching back to grasp. Should I just give up? Let it wither away til there is nothing left but a memory? That is something that I find almost impossible to do but it is slowly looking like a reality that I might need to face.

Dream On...

I glance into the future to see where my life is headed. I see the obvious-Ray, myself, kim, and the rest of my family but I don't see you. I don't know where you are or what happened. All I know is that it brings a great sadness to my heart. Doesn't matter how it happened but really only that it did in fact happen. We grew apart and as much as I tried to search and search, I could not find the reason or the proof that we even fought it. This glance made me think about the stuff that I am doing and allowing to go on right now. Once again I am noticing the shortness of life and it brings me back to depression. My glance at the fture may have only been a dream but it was close enough to what could happen that it got me worried.
So when I am worried I type. It may not make sense and I maybe all over the place but it is my only outlet. Thanks Chris for turning me onto to bloggin cause this has saved many trees. I write an abundance of things but very few make it up here. So I will just continue to sit here, accompinied only by my kitty, Precious, scribbling nonsense ( well typing really0 til I can fall back asleep.

Gentle Breeze

There is a gentle breeze here today. It is gently passin by each of us and preparing us for what is to come. It is not a harsh, negative breeze but one of compassion and positives. As it flows by, it gently nudges each person it passes. Giving us that gentle push in the direction that we should be going. Some may try to resist and fight it but there is no point. It is the gentle wind of change and it cannot be stopped.

It kills me when I know that people I cherish are hurting and I cannot do a thing about it.

Hurdles

Life has a funny way of making sure that you come back to reality. Just as soon as you think everything is going to be fine and going to keep going great, BAM! it smacks you in the face with some new bullshit. Now this could be the universe's way of testing your strength but still it is so unneeded. For those of you that think this about something in my life I am going to clarify right now that it isn't. This is just an observation that I have made about those in my life.

I just think that people can only handle soo much before they snap and just say "fuck it". Why keep fucking with them? I always feel bad and depressed for those in my life that just cannot seem to get a break and live a happy life. of course maybe these people could change how they handle things or what they take from certain situations but still most of this is just crap after crap being loaded on them.

Then there are those that are just asking for it. For example ( and no this is not about anyone in my actual life.) lets say that you are used to playing the field and dating different people without commitment then you decided to stay the same and get into a relationship. what do you think is really going to be the outcome? or if you are constantly stealing from your job? really you are bring this upon yourself and if you changed some of your behavior then maybe you would have a positive outcome that you might actually like.

All I am really saying is that some people are getting shit and they really don't deserve it and others are bringing it upon themselves.

The Pain

Why does it still hurt when I think of you?
Why cannot I not come to terms with the pain and feelings of emptiness?
Why is that when I think of the memories of you all I want to do is die?

It shouldn't hurt this bad still, its been almost two years.

Why can't I get over missing you? I pray everyday for the chance to see you again.
Why is it that since you left I have not been able to quit thinking about death?
I am afraid of death now and it is affecting my life.
I wish that you were still here, I need you.

Did it hurt? Did you know? IS that why you asked me to go to Georgia? Could you hear me when I got back? Most of all did you know that loved you and still do? Did you hear me when I told you so?

All these are things I want, need to know. It kills me to think that you didn't hear me when I told you I loved you that one last time. Every day it tears me up and I don't know what to do about it.

Maybe I should have visited you more often. Should have moved in and took care of you. You deserved so much better than what you had in the end. I feel guilt, depressed, sadness, and empty. I cannot even face death. I wasn't ever this bad when it came to thoughts of death but now it all but occupies my entire mind. Many nights I have cried because death has been made real to me and I don't want to face it.

I need you. I need to play rummy again. I need to be limited to the porch or the yard again. I need to spend the nights again. I need you to talk to. Most of all I just need you back in my life, to know that I do truly love you.

Once Again

I am amazed that I am right back in this situation. I am sitting here, wondering if I have done anything wrong to cause this. Cause the seperation and the feelings of being unwanted around that I have right now. It just seems that all communication may have been broken off. I don't like feeling like I might not have the right to reach out and try to talk nor the loneliness. I told myself that nothing would change for the worse, only for the better but I guess I should have known better. I could just be wrong and making this all up in my head, but in order to be making this all up, wouldn't there have to already be a suggestion there? I mean that only makes sense when you sit and think about it. But anyways, getting off subject.

For the past few days I have been constantly checking certain addys to see if I may have an email from those that are involved but there has yet to be one. It is esepecially bad when I have tried contacting. i don't want it to seem like I am beggingfor attention or even wanting the attenting. I just want it to be like it used to be even though that I know it is not even possible for things to go back to way they used to be

Happy New Year

So the new year is upon us and I have decided to make some changes. I am just now settling into my apartment and getting use to living with just Ray and I. It is a welcome change but I do miss seeing Chris and Angelina anything I could. So this year I have decided to work on getting Chris and mine's friendship back to the way it use to be and even better. I also plan on becoming even better friends with Angelina. Then there is Ray. I want this year to be the best we have ever had so far. Our 5th anniversary is this year so that is definately something to celebrate. A lot of people we knew when we first got married said that we wouldn't even make it this far. I knew they were wrong and now I get to prove them wrong. ( not very nice is it)

I just want to send a message to everyone that this is the new year and you can make it what you want. The slate is clean, as far as I am concerned, so don't worry about what happened last year and just have fun this year! Happy New Year everyone and may it be the best!

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Christmas Time

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So my Christmas rush is finally over (all that is left now is the returns). I cannot believe how quick the time flew by. It feels like it was just August a couple of weeks ago. This has caused me to decide to change some things in 2008. I want to make sure that I live each day to the fullest and waste a single waking minute. If anything 2007 has made realize how fast time does fly and I can never have any of it back. Anyways back to Christmas being over.

So last night was the last night (I hope) that I will have to deal with the crazy ass lines that I had to deal with. Four days in a row like that about killed me but I managed to survive. I know that my cashiers are even more grateful. Most of my team has never experienced a Christmas season working at a big box retailer before. I am glad they did and also proud that they did the work they did. Never once had to hear anyone bitch, they all understood it had to be done and there wasn't anything we could do about it. Plus they really didn't let it get to them, well maybe a little but they shrugged it off. At least now they know what to expect next year and can be prepared. The ones that did make it through the rush are the ones that I know will be here next year, unless something happens. But anyways I am thankful for them cause without them my job would have been even more stressful.

I also want to take the time to wish everyone a Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays if you don't celebrate Christmas. There are those that aren't religious or are religious but don't believe in Christmas. I myself do not believe in organized religion but I believe it Christmas and what it also stands for (besides the Christian meaning). Christmas is about love, family, and just being kind and giving. This is the one holiday where you celebrate all of this regardless if you buy anything or not. I too believe that Christmas, to some, has become too much about the gifts and less about the meaning(s). This is a time to celebrate family and friends and to give to others without expecting anything in return. It is about doing something helpful and courteous for your fellow man. So even though I may not believe in the Christmas and its meaning that is portrayed in church, I still believe in the other things that Christmas represents.

So as a gift to me in a way, I ask that you take some time out of your day some time this week and bestow an act of kindness on someone that you don't know. Whether it be something as small as opening a door to donation. Just do something kind to someone who is in need of kindness.

I want to wish all a Merry Christmas and may you have a safe holiday spent with those that you love.~~~~Erica

To the ones I care about

Thank you for being in my life. For dealing with me when I am less than pleasant and dealing with the drama that sometimes comes with me. With out you I would be a hopeless mess of depression and would just be plain lost. Even those that I don't see frequently, I am still thankful that you are in my life when you are. There is a reason that everyone of you come into my life when you do and sometimes it takes me a moment to realize why. I sometimes take you for grant or just act plain selfish but no matter what your happiness means the world to me. I want to continue to be the one you can come to for support even when it seems to you that you are just bothering me. I also want to tell you to never thing that you are bothering me. If I thought that you were bothering me I would tell you some way or another. I know that I haven't always be the best friend that I could be and I continue to work on that. Just be patient when it comes to somethings cause in the end I will come around. Most of all I just want to say thank you.

Can't wait

I haven't been able to give the amount of time and attention that I have wanted to to my blog here recently. Between the constant business at work with the Christmas drawing to a close and school I have barely had time to enjoy any type of relaxation. I simply cannot wait until December 26 when Christmas has past. I know that I still have to get through about two weeks of returns but I will take that any day compared to the constant rush at work and not being able to complete everything that I need to get done at night. I am constantly stressed while I am at work and when I come home. I am shocked that it didn't effect my school work ( I got the highest grade in my last class) but it is effecting me every where else. Maybe I used school as my time to relax. I don't know. All I know is that when the storm finally calms down I will be a happier person. What I really don't understand about the Christmas season is why people wait till the last minute to buy every single gift that they have to. It isn't like Christmas sneaks up on us every year. We all know that it is December 25 so why the procrastination? I mean i know that it will always be this way but it freaking kills me when I see the swarm of people at work that I see every year. Another thing that gets me is when people start gripping about having to wait in line at work. Once again this is nothing new when it comes down to the final hours before Christmas. I thought Christmas was suppose to be a joyous time of year full of celebration and kindness. Well you can't tell that with the way some of these people act. I have never been treated so much like shit as I am during Christmas. It seems that people just turn asshole mode after Thanksgiving. But I am use to it for the most part cause that is what my job entails. But still doesn't mean that I can't wait for it to be over

Flaws

Everyone has flaws or something that they don't like about themselves. No one has the right to belittle or degrade some especially when they are no different than those they are degrading. What happened to having some respect for people? I am so tired of people making me feel worthless, disgusting, just plain hurt because they want to point out my obvious flaws. Like I don't know that I am overweight, have psoriasis, and unwilling to stand up for myself forsake of confrontation or being disrespectful to them. I don't even know why I worry about disrespectful to those that like to poke fun at me when it is obvious that they have no respect for me. It may seem that when I hear about fellow associates talking about me and getting off my "fat ass" to do some work for a change doesn't bother me but truly it does I just choose to not show it. I have been made fun of all my life because of one thing or another especially because I don't fit into the norm of body styles so I just act like I no longer feel the pain. Well the pain is still there and when I am alone I will break down. But more importantly the reason that I am as upset as I am now is because this was said at work in front of my coworkers because I asked an associate to do their job. Granted I was not in the room and I know that when this person sees me again they will act like they never said anything but I cannot stand a two-faced person. IF you are going to say something about then have the fucking balls to say it to my face. Then when I got to use open door I am told to not worry about by one manager and the other told me to say something to their assistant manager. Well their assistant manager is as about worthless as a holey umbrella. So here I am stuck with letting these people get away with the degrading and belittling of myself with nothing to do about it. I am just tired of people doing this to me but there is nothing I can really do except cry.

ANyways

Back to cheerful things and nothing to do with blog wars.





I casually glance in your direction just in time to see you smile.
How it warms my heart and brightens my day
Every time I look into your caring brown eyes I ask myself how and why.
Why are things the way they are and how, well how is for me to know
I make sure to stop myself from taken our time together for granted
But I know I am guilty sometime or another.

I love being around you and cannot stand it when you leave.
From the moment that you have left my side, I just relive our last moments together.
Hoping that I will never have to see you only in memory.

HURT

It appears that another of my post have created controversy and words to be said that we unkind to say the least. To call yourself my friend and then not understand what I write about or why I write is a sort of contradiction. I never personally attacked you( and you know who you are). but you took it that way. Wait, why am I writing anything to you when you aren't even probably going to read this anymore? Anyways
Like I was saying. When I write what I write I am not trying to offend or hurt anyone especially those that I thought were close to me. I also use discretion when addressing certain matters because somethings shouldn't be addressed over a blog but maybe more in an email or in person. I should understand, I guess, that others will not have the same discretion that I have but it still pisses me off.
Back to being hurt, which guess implies that I am back to being a "victim". If this is what you want to say I am doing then fine. There is nothing that I can do to change your fucking mind. For those of you that do not know what the hell I am talking about then let me explain my side and the reason I am a so called "victim".
Because I choose to write and vent on here some of my writing seems to give off the impression to certain parties that I am just trying to play the victim. Well I am not and have better things to do with my time. Well that is not a very good explanation but the best i can give under these circumstances.
Why am I hurt? Hm..... well lets see. To hear, rather read, the words that I read with the tone that they portrayed from someone that I thought was my friend just totally took me for a loop. I don't think I have ever been so stunned in my entire life. To see that the one I used to talk to about everything and vice versa just unleash what appears to be built up something, just crushed me and brought me to the point of tears. Now I am stuck with the possibility that the one I thought was the real them was just a front. A lying front masquerading around as the true authentic them. I know that they had walls and barriers the have up for protection but i Thought i was passed a few of them and seen a glimpse of the real them. Well i was wrong
Here i thought that i would have a person i could confide in and be a friend like I knew he could be. Wait yea i should have known better. But there is nothing left for me to do but just try to pick up the pieces... (Yea I know, back to playing my role of victim)

Trapped

Kinda of ridiculous that I am trapped within four white little walls. I cannot venture out of my room for fear of rising that heinous....well anyways that would have been rude of me to say. If there was anyway that could have been out of here yesterday, believe me i would have. Heaven forbid that we venture out of our room into a living area to use the phone for 30 minutes. Yes, I heard that bitching from her yesterday while I was trying to sleep. Ain't that something, hypocrites that is. Except the only difference is that my door was actually closed. I am so tired of feeling trapped that i am tempted to go and stay in my car til payday and then rent a fucking hotel room for two weeks. All because some woman who won't even grow up thinks that she runs this damn house and we should stay in our room like caged animals. Well we are not caged animals and had it not been for the respect that i have for my friend, I would have came out of my room and asked her what her fucking problem is. This is it! I have had the last straw and the fact that it is allowed to continue,wow anyways. I am not even sure that when i do get to move from this hell hole that I will ever come back/

Birthday

So my birthday has come and gone. I really don't have anything to show for it except my card from ray, the necklace he made me and the time he spent with me(well i can't actually show that) Anyways, as i sit here and think back on this I notice one common denominator; Ray. He was here with me all weekend and spent my birthday with me. He went out of his way to make sure that I had a great one even if he didn't have the money to get me what he wanted. What he will never know or understand is that I am so grateful for it and what he did was the best thing I have ever received. I have come to expect that no one except him and my family will acknowledge the day that I was born so I never get my hopes up. Ray has never let me down either. I don't want gifts or materialistic things, just to spend time with those who are important to me on my birthday. Also this birthday I realized that the ones who had time to stop and say even just hello and happy b-day are the ones I need in my life. I am obviously important enough to them to remember my birthday. I know this probably sounds silly and childish but no one can possibly understand how much it means to me when those that are in my life simply say "happy Birthday" even still that doesn't make much sense but that is the best I can explain it. So once again thank you Ray for the best weekend of my life, including Monday night!!!

rsponse to last post

just to let all those that might actually be interested, I did finally make it home after six hours of trying to get a hold of my idiot. Still pissed though

Fuckin Hate You

I hate the fact that I have been waiting for five fucking hours for you to pick me up. But I can't even get you to pick up the fucking phone. This is the same ol bullshit well maybe not the same. It is actually worse. I failed my fucking test because of you had to take a TAXI to school when I have a fucking car. This is bullshit. I shouldn't have to sit here, cry and wait because I am not important enough for you to even wake the fuck up. But I guess this is all my fault and I really don't have a reason to be pissed. Well guess what you are wrong.
O and then when I think I have friends that would help me whenever i needed I just learn the hard way that it is just a bunch of fucking lies. (Not just you either)

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO CALL YOU GUYS BEFORE YOU REALIZE THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG??????

Yea i guess that would be my fault again because I should have my mom's new phone number memorized or realize that people have to sleep so they can go to work, wait work what in the hell is that? Yea I may just be being a fucking bitch right now but you sit here and cry and wait and cry some more because the one that is suppose to love you more that anything else in this word can't set a fucking alarm or wake the fuck up when the phone rings. Then you turn to your "friends" and they are now where to be found.

"Body of a 23 year old woman found on fern valley rd yesterday..." Yup that is what my caption will say when i have to start fucking walking cause I can't even catch the damn bus.

God I fucking hate you right now.

free pizza

so I was checking my email from school and noticed an email from papa johns. The subject was "free pizza" so naturally I clicked it so I could read it. It said that they were giving me a free two topping large because they thought I didn't get the service I deserved the last time I ordered pizza. I printed out the little voucher but just kept thinking there had to be a catch. I did not complain the last time I ordered pizza from Papa John's so why the coupon? So obviously there must be fine print that I wasn't reading correctly. When I got out of school I stopped at my local pizza parlor and took my voucher inside, still telling myself that I would probably have to buy a pizza. So here I am broke with a "free" pizza voucher in my local parlor getting ready to made a fool of. I walked to the counter and handed the lady my voucher. Bracing myself I asked what the catch was. Oh here it comes...."there isn't one, you just get a free pizza" doesn't sound like"you have to buy a large two topping". Right before I told the lady that i knew it all along i thought about what I had just heard. Wow I really did get a free pizza! I ordered it and did receive it. There is nothing like free pizza when you are broke and hungry, best tasting thing in the world!

The words that bind can be so easy unravelled by the slightest wavering of ones faith. Faith in any part of the commitment or bond between two people be it friendship, love, marriage. When one part of that bond starts to doubt, it causes an uneasiness. Uneasiness and doubt can create damage that is irreversible and painful to all that involved. In order to prevent one from doubting, they should just have faith in the strength of the bonds they have created not worry if they are going to fail. Just have faith and it shall give you strength in any endeavours that you face in the future. Know that the ones that are in you life are there for a reason and can be you well of strength, bottomless and unending...

We Have Been Friends Together--Caroline Norton

WE have been friends together

In sunshine and in shade,

Since first beneath the chestnut trees,

In infancy we played.

But coldness dwells within thy heart,

A cloud is on thy brow;

We have been friends together,

Shall a light word part us now?

We have been gay together;

We have laughed at little jests;

For the fount of hope was gushing

Warm and joyous in our breasts,

But laughter now hath fled thy lip,

And sullen glooms thy brow;

We have been gay together,

Shall a light word part us now?

We have been sad together;

We have wept with bitter tears

O'er the grass-grown graves where slumbered

The hopes of early years.

The voices which are silent there

Would bid thee clear thy brow;

We have been sad together.

Oh, what shall part us now?

Moving On

Moving on is so hard to do, as well as letting go but this is what I must do. There is no point of trying to hang on when it is obvious that I am being slowly replaced. I know I shouldn't be so hurt and irritate by the little, but noticeable things i just can't help it. I am the one deciding to let go because there is nothing left to do. I am no longer needed so why keep trying? There have been things going on and changes in your life and I know nothing about it. I try to ask, to see what's happening but nothing comes of it. Instead you are turn to someone else. There are secrets, "inside jokes", and a closeness that I don't have anymore. I am happy that you're getting along and not even jealous, just didn't think that you would shut me out

So I am moving on. I have done all that I can do here and any other efforts would be useless and wasteful. I am going to quit asking when we are going to have our catch-up sessions. I am just going to quit everything all together.

Hurry up and wait

Here we are standing beside this pallet wrapped with black shrink wrap. we have already been here for two hours with our hands on the contents. We only have three more hours to go! So we just hurry up and wait.

Three hours has now past and the excitement really begins. I feel sorry for the associate that has to cut the plastic away, he has no chance of surviving. Surviving the chaos , showing pushing clawing just to grab the pallets precious cargo. The whole store is in such a feverish frenzy that the remaining associates just run and take cover.

After you have claw and fought your way for the item that are the most precious to you, start heading for the checkout-there are more territories to claim. The only thing is that traffic is worse than morning rush on 65. It takes you 15 minutes to walk about 15 feet. Once again-hurry up and wait.

time to start getting crafty. Looking left and right you notice an opening. If you could only get there in time you know which shortcut to take next. You have take this building and its layout for the past 2 weeks. made all the required escape routes so you just have to reach the opening.

Made it now the rest will be a breeze. All you have to do is...DAMN! Why is that when all you want to do is check out they dont have 24 of the 23 registers open. (not a typo, this would be what you call sarcasm). look for the shortest line and hold your ground. Hurry up and wait.

you gripe and moan the whole 3 minutes it takes to get from the end of the line, by the clothes, to the front.(once again sarcasm.) when you are out of this store you just move on to others and rinse and repeat. all the while telling yourself that you will not do this again next year.

It is all a lie. I will see you again next year doing exactly this; hurry up and wait.

Apartment Hunting

This is a very cruel game. Apartment hunting. It starts out by getting as many of those little apartment books as you can and thumbing through them. Then you start comparing apartments. By this time you are getting more and more into it. Next you move on to calling and finding out information about the ones you are interested in. Making sure it is a big enough game, oooo does it have a swimming pool that you will never use but pay for it anyways? (Yes even though it says that it is a amenity you are still payin for it, it is included in the rent. Shocker isn't it!) or how about free utilities, which are the same as the free pool. How much is rent? After the sizing up the game by scoping out with the phone you move on to setting up your area. you stalk out each potential apartment that you have narrowed it down to. The one that is close to work, the one that is the cheapest and most practical, the one that you would give your first born for because it has every possible amenity that you would ever want. You make up a reason for not going after the one close to work after visiting it, the practical one is your second choice while you have justified paying almost double for the apartment of your dreams. after you determine whether or not you can afford it you apply. Then it gets interesting. Turn in your application and wait like a hunter who has found that prize deer. You know that it is in your grasp all you are waiting on is to sign on the dotted line. You are getting ready to pull the trigger and BAM! the deers catches wind and is out of your range. You have lost all sight of the deer (apartment) and now you are back to were you started, sucks doesn't it!

explaining

When I write on here I don't expect to have to explain it to those that read this. I mean I will if the is a misunderstanding but other than that I don't like to explain. I don't write to make things easier for others. If I am writing something that is in particular interest to you that you should be able to understand it. If not than dont' ask me to explain it. I don't have hidden meanings in my writing so don't look for them. Quit getting mad when I don't want to explain it to you.It gets tiresome and aggravating. Nothing personal really just i don't like justifying my writting.

In the end

Well it is almost the end of my comp class so what does that mean?

for some, Chris, you are probably thinking that I will go back to the old ways and maybe update once every three months and for others you may think that i will just start right random, meaningless post because I have gotten use to writing constantly in here. Well to both sides I say that you are wrong.I have realized that my posts on here even when they have to be edited are my way of venting and getting my thoughts out there. even if they don't make any sense to you that is what they are. I have started a new habit and plan on continuing it a little more faithfully. I have also realized that I really have a problem with getting my writing criticized and need to work on that. Just know that this blog of mine will be here for some time to come.

Boredom

So I am off tonight and I have nothing to do. Well I do have something like homework I could be doing. I would be doing it if I have my binder and my book but it is in my car which I do not have. SO I just sit here, bored and playing on my computer. I would come out of this dull room but then that would mean I would be in the public areas where I might have to deal with a room full of tension. Which is another reason I am moving. But i have already talked about that on here. So I will just sit here and type my day away. Atleast I am working on some of my homework by doing my blog. I guess there is always a positive thing in anything.

Waiting

Sitting here waiting, waiting on what I don't even know
All I know is that I am waiting for something
Something to pull me in the direction the I need to be going
Waiting day end and day out
I am sick of waiting, why can't I just take action?
I don't have the will power to take action and I am not man enough to take
responsiblity for what might happen if I do take action.
I know it seem like I am rambling but I am not
this all makes sense to me
So I will just continue to sit here
Waiting like always

Hard Feelings

Why would there be hard feelings when you aren't the one who is to blame? That, my friend, would be silly and childish. You can't control how the other acts so you should not be the one to apologize. We are grateful for you and all that you have done for us, only wish that I could have returned the favor some how. I don't think that I have been the friend I should have been. I don't even know what is going on. Maybe it is the work schedule or just the fact that I will not go in your room to see if you are up because I would have to cross enemy lines to get there. I am not a person who likes to cause tension or uneasiness hence part of the reason we have choosen to leave. I don't want those involved in all of this to think that we are moving because they are making us. Yes, they helped but it isn't because they said that we have to that we are. I only wish that A and you understand that it is not about you. You guys have not done anything to us so once again there are no bad feelings.

The only feelings that are present are remorse, pity and I guess sympathy. Remorse in the fact that I wish this could have been the experience it should have been. Pity because,well I look at her and feel it because she is such a bitter person. And sympathy because that is just how it is. This was and still is a learning experience. You have the look at the situation and see what you can take and learn from it. Always make sure that you look for the good side to everything that seems negative.

Just because we are leaving doesn't mean that we won't be here for you. It will be the way it has always been. You will come over and hang out and we will still do the same. If you needed some where to stay for a night or two you would just call us up and we would open the door. If you needed something I would go out of my way to help if possible. That is just the type of friend I am and have always been. The only reason things would change would be if you wanted them to.

Reunited update

Just thought I would let those who read this that i have indeed talked to my half-brother. We are exchanging emails and are starting to become reacquainted. I was happy to hear that he was indeed wondering the same about myself. So I guess we are going to take it slowly and then hopefully we will meet up one day in person.

Changes

It seems that things are changing. Not just for Ray and I but as well as those in our lives. There are things in motion that cannot be stopped and even if they could it would be a grave mistake to do so. I do not care for change but I welcome it with open arms. It is unavoidable so why should I fight it? Instead I should embrace it and do everything in my power to aid it into a positive change. As far as the changes the loved ones in my life are facing I can honestly say that i do not know how they will turn out.

Here I thought that I knew most, not all, of what was going on with a friend of mine when I really don't know anything at all. Maybe it is my own fault for not trying to be overly involved with the problems and demons they may have been facing. Maybe it was partly their fault. Regardless I cannot say that I am the friend that I thought I was to them when I know nothing of what is going on. It feels like we are all taking our separate roads, leaving those the were once held in high regard in the dark to fend for themselves. Why would we knowing do such a thing when they can be some of the greatest support a person can have? Are we not setting ourselves up to fail by taking this solitary journey. But who am I to say such things? It is your life, your choice. I only wanted to be a part of it.

Back to changes. I expect the changes and hurdles that lie a head to be challenging but well worth it. We (ray and i) can no longer live like we are at this moment. It is not that we are not grateful because we are, but to be treated like we do not deserve the same respect and privileges as some of the other roommates is the final straw. This is not their house to be making the decisions that they are making. Being that I cannot not and will not address the party to which I am referring to, I turned to the "landlord" to address issues that have arisen since we have taken up residency. Although I truly believe that those issues have been mentioned because I believe the landlord to be one to keep their word, the fact that things do not change is enough. We want to be able to live some where with total comfort and know that we are not prisoners of our own room. Our marriage is the one that is hurting out of all this. Myself being that passive person that wants nothing but to make peace and Ray the one who wants to confront and take charge of the issues, we are butting heads. So enough is enough. I have backed down and allowed the unavoidable to truth to be shown. We have to do what we have to do.

I still am feeling guilt because I do not want to cause our true friends any grief or cause them to struggle. But in the end I am afraid that this situation may hurt our friendship. I know that you are going to take this personally, please don't. It is not an attack towards you just an admission of truth. I value the friendship that we have and would never do anything to sever that. I just can no longer live with the childishness and the animosity towards me that is uncalled for. I have never done anything to the one in question except try to make nice. But that is redundant.

This has grown far longer than I expected it to so I am just going to end this before I say anything else that will be my own undoing.

You always tell me when i do anything wrong
Do I ever do anything right?

Truth

Why can't you see that i want to be with you and only you?
IT is as plain as day. I tell you everyday that I love you and only you. Don't you believe it is the truth? Why else would I put myself through such torment and pain to make sure that you understand the things that you question? If i did not care I would not argue with you about the things that are not true. I would not cause myself to be so upset to the point of tears if I did not think it was something worth fighting for. But you can't keep fighting me. I cannot handle the constant speculations you have about the actions that I take or the ones that I talk to. You have to quit lying to me when I try to ask you what is bothering you or tell me all of it not a piece. It is not fair to me. Why you might ask because you are leading me to believe that we are on the same page. Every time we talk I think things are great. I never think that there is any type of problems because I believe you when you tell me everything. Then you go and blow up in my face about things that I either never knew bothered you or things that I thought we had figured out. It is not far. I thought you were happy because I am. Yes I am wrong at times and i am not afraid of admitting that but you take things out of proportion. There will be other people in my life called friends. Every time we talk I think it is meaningful and i thought you did too.
The truth is I don't want to cause you to live a life of constant suffering and doubt. I can only tell you that I am not trying to do anything wrong so many times. There is nothing else I can do to make you either believe me or not. We can have no relationship if you are not willing to trust and be secure in the fact that I chose you. I love you and I really hope you believe that.

Crashing

I hear the walls crashing down around me as I sit and do nothing
Their explosive finales are constant reminders
Reminders of irreversible damage that has been cause by one slip of the tongue
or even on slip of a finger.
Causing a catastrophic domino effect that will only end when everything has
crashed to the ground.
The support of the walls were not as stable as I remembered
Nothing I can do now except let their songs ring through and through until I finally see the buried truth.

If I had enough strength on my own I would support these walls
I know that I do not so I don't even bother trying.
Since I cannot stop these walls from falling once the cycle has started,
I will just sit here in my dusty vast nothingness and wait for the light
that will guide me home

Not Perfect
by Angell

There are many ways to describe a friend
There are many wise sayings that help us understand

But the truth beyond it allIs that a friend
Is so much more
Its more than a caring touch
its more than a friendly smile

When you have one true friend
Its more than your share, they say
Many of us have friends who are
Less than perfect, we might as well say

Sometimes they manage to stab us in the back
Sometimes they fail to comfort us in time of need
Sometimes they fail to heal our wounds when we bleed

We all need friends as they need us
We aren't perfect neither are they
But no matter how imperfect
True friends will remain true friends
........ Forever

Ray

The Light Upon The Sea
by Robert S. Bise

There was a time it seemed as though
My life was tossing to and fro
And I, left with nowhere to go,
Was subject to the sea.

But there, ahead, a beam of light
Peered through the darkness of the night
And granted to me clearer sight
That I might be set free.

I steered a course toward the land
To find a refuge on the sand
And maybe touch the gentle hand
That guided me along.

And when I reached the coast that night,
Upon a hill, the shining light
Was tended by a welcome sight . . .
My friends had led me home.

Friendship

There comes a time where a deep friendship that you have some one gets tested. When this happens most people can sort the fact from the bullshit and find the solution to whatever it is. This is also the time when you get to see what your friends really think about you verses what they portray to your face. For a friend of mine to attack my character and make assumptions really hurts. I have never been one to judge or lie about situations that cannot be avoided so why would you think I was? I thought you knew me a little better than this? I might be dragging this on and on but i really don't think you understand to the extent that this has hurt me. I am not a vindictive person and would not do something out of spite. Maybe I was wrong for thinking that you knew me or that any of you knew me. It takes a certain type of friendship for people to be able to live together. I don't like living somewhere with my "friends" and constantly worrying about what they are saying and thinking about me. All this over something so frivolous I can only imagine whose side they would be on if something major happened. FRIENDS DON'T BRING FRIENDS TO THE POINT OF TEARS!!!!!!!
So know after this post I will have to watch what I write because I am no longer allowed to rant and rave on here because it is viewed as me judging someone. wow and here I thought this was my blog to do just that...

Addictions

removed because others found offensive and "judgemental" so much for using my blog to rant....

New Tattoo

So I am getting a new tattoo, well I am going to start working on my sleeve for my left leg. I cannot wait to get it. I am giving my artist freedom to do whatever he thinks will look great."Hi! My name is Erica and I am a tattoo addict." ;) I will hopefully be able to pics up of my tattoos but there is some lazy bum, who I will not name, that will not help me figure out how to put them in the side bar. Anyways back to tattoos. I am really tired of hearing from different people that my tattoos are permanent and that I should stop with the ones I have and not get anymore. First off, don't you think that I know they are permanent? I am not that stupid. It is ink with a needle going past my first layer of skin, yea it is going to be there for ever. I think tattoos are an expression of art just like any painting. I am proud of my tattoos even that name I have on my arm. I choose to get to tattoos because I use them to express feelings or remember dates that are important to me. This is my body and my choice so back up off me and worry about your own! So i am done ranting about that now. I must start paying attention to my class.

Reunited

I have a half brother that I have been looking for over the past 8 years. I never thought about using places like myspace to find him either. After reading an article about a person who did just that I decided to give it a try. Wouldn't you know that on my first try I found who I was looking for! I thought that would be the hard part of finding him but I never thought about how it would be if I reached out to him. I kept contemplating whether or not I should contact him. What if he doesn't remember me or just wants nothing to do with me? I don't think I could really handle that because we are family even though he hates our father. So I sent him a message anyways but I made sure that I included the part saying he doesn't have to feel obligated to respond to me except to say that it is him. That is really all I want to know besides if he is doing ok. I would just have to deal with the truth if he didn't want to reach out to me. So now all I can do is sit and wait....

Sickness

It is amazing how someone can be sick or injured and yet the ones that are suppose to love them do not believe them. I don't understand why people would think that most people like to "Fake" sick or injured. It just seems like a waste of time to me. If I am hurt then I am hurt and the same goes for sick. But anyways that is all the ranting I want to do about that .

Backfired

What is the defination of a friend? Friend- a: one attached to another by affection or esteem b: acquaintance2 a: one that is not hostile b: one that is of the same nation, party, or group3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)4: a favored companion5capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war —called also Quaker

I like to think that is what i am. I try to help others that are close to me any way that I can. I give a hundred percent into my friendships. When they need someone to talk to I am there. SO why is it that when I try to talk to my "Friends" I tend to bring out the worse or make them sad? It is not my intentions. I mean why would I do such a thing to the people in my life? If you are in my life it means that you matter to me so I could not do such a thing. Or better yet why is that when I try to conversate with one of them they have to go and assume that it is I have a crush on them? Why can't it be just because I want to talk to them? I am so sick of hearing about the things that I cause after I drag it out of them. Can you not just be honest and upfront? So I guess that I will just have to go back to being the person I was and not socialize or help anyone because I am tired of this. Tired of others thinking that I have a second agenda. ANd here i was thinking that I was actually helping them. Damn how stupid could I be.

Insecurities

Why must you keep thinking that something is going to happen? Can I not be friends with someone and not be trying to be with them or they try to be with me? I am with you and choose to be that way so why do I always notice that when I am hanging around a person more than once you start? I like only having a few good friends that i can hang out with but that doesn't mean that anything is going to happen. Why must you make me feel like I cannot have a really friendship with anyone without you getting an attitude or making the comments that you do? Don't say that you don't because we both know that you do, you have already admitted it remember. I just wish that for once you would start trusting others and myself when it comes to me. Nothing is going to happen and those in my life know that I am taken so why do you worry so? I don't freak out when you are talking to one of the two ladies I know about that like you unless they are being sneaky. It is called being secure in our relationship and it is called trust. It just doesn't seem like you are very secure and it is really bothering me. I am tired of having to drag it out of you when I know that you a starting to think suspicious thoughts. Hell I am tired of you having them. Why can't you just trust that there is nothing and will never be anything going on? You should be proud and flattered that your wife is still attractive to people. Hell i am when people say things about you. The first thing I think is not about how that person must be trying to steal you away but rather about how damn lucky I am that you chose me Out of everyone else. In the end you need to start having trust and stop being so damn insecure

So this is what i need right now, a little peace and tranquility. I love this pic because it reminds me of where i took it. It was a gorgeous stop along the road in the Smokey mountain state park. It was the most beautiful place that i have seen in a while. I could have just stayed there for hours. I love natural beauty and beautiful landscapes. Maybe I should learn how to take landscape pictures or something. Anyways justthought I would share

I started my English Composition Class today and as part of my grade I have to do a journal or have a blog. Well I guess it is a good thing that I have blog, even though i am not faithful to it. So I have to post 20-30 times this month so yay for me. But I like the fact that I can write whatever that I want to. anyways on to my posting!

so the husband and i are making a move, we are going to move in with a friend as long as nothing gets in the way.
I am kinda leary about it but it has nothing to do with the friend or actually moving. I know we need to move but i don't like change. I like knowing that everything i need is around me. Knowing i can walk to work if I need to. I am going to miss my little apartment which I have grown very attached to. But in the end I guess it is for the better for everyone. And i truly look forward to having money and catching those bills up and helping out a friend.

I heard some shocking news today. My once lesbian friend is getting married. That isn't even the craziest part, she has only been dating him for about 3 weeks. Now I am not against love and marriage but I think that you have to invest some time in getting to know a person and that you cannot know that you want to marry some one after 3 weeks! I love her to death and I will support her but I just don't want her to get hurt. I try to explain to herthat she needs to make sure there isn't any skeleton in this guys closet. Being sneaky like I am I told her I would help her plan the wedding knowing that I am going to take my time just so she can make sure this is what she wants. I know what kind of relationships she usually gets herself in and I just wnat to make sure this isn't one of them The guy seems nice but so did some of the others. She is a great girl and deserves only the best and not all guys see that. I know she watns to be married and have a family one day but rushing into it is not the way. I hope she realizes that I am only looking out for her best interests!

I have recently discovered that I have a new addiction! I am addicted to POGO. How have I come to this realization you ask? Well it's like this. I have joined numerous leagues to play in tournaments on Pogo, I can stay on for 4 or more hours and be perfectly content as long as there are cigarettes in front of me, and I am constantly thinking about the next badge or can't wait till I get home to play whatever game that happens to be on my mind. I guess out of all the types of addictions this one isn't soo bad, well except the back pain from being in this damn chair. But o well maybe one day they will have a PA (Pogo Anonymous)!

As the days go by I sit and wonder what exactly have I done with my life. I mean I know I have succeeded in graduating, getting married and holding a job, but what have I truly accomplished? I haven't graduated college only high school and the job I have isn't the career I want all my life. Each day that passes is just one day I let slip by without obtaining anything. When I go to my high school reunion I want to be able to brag about my life and everything that I have accomplished. I fear that I am going to die without knowing that sense of completion. Every day I worry about death and how short life can really be. It has gotten to a point that I have depressed myself by dwelling on that one fact, the fact the death is unavoidable. I love living even though it isn't the easy thing to do. I cannot seem to motivated myself to go out and achieve the things that I desire to achieve all because in the end I know that death will still come. I wish that I did believe in religion and heaven and hell because then I wouldn't worry so much about death because I know it wouldn't be over for me. But I cannot bring myself to believe in something so hyprocritical as religion. All and all this is a very dark and depressing post but I needed to vent. To continue hold all of this in would in the end be my undoing

COOL MySpace Comments

It is soo much easier to maintain my blog when I have access to the internet on the daily basis. But the fact that I haven't been able to do so until now doesn't mean anything to anyone except the only one who reads this, and even then I am not sure he does anymore either. O well I can atleast say that it is good to be back.

Life is so short as I was shown recently in the past week
Things seem to change and some just cease to exists
It isn't until this things disappear that I realize how much it affects me and my life
Even from losing an associate to losing a friendship.
It makes you think about your life and if you are really making the best of it
I thought I was until I realized that I wasn't living it to it's fullest potential
So I have decided to make some changes with my life and how i live it
Some of the changes i plan on making I should have made a long time ago and some are just recent realizations that I have had. I am scared of change but I also know that change is needed
I may lose some friends and relationships along the way but in the end what I will gain will make up for it. I have to stop living in the past and start moving towards the future. That can only happen if I live for the moment and make decisions that will have a positive affect on my future. Life is too short for me to do the things I use to in the past and I want my life to mean something to someone. And that someone has to be me before it can be anyone else. If I have made my relationships with certain people as strong as I think I have then they should survive but I know in my heart that some will fail me because I have failed them. Those that survive will be the ones that help me with my long term goal and those are the only ones i need,
because i will never know when my life will come to it's abrupt end.

what happens when we run out of things to talk about?

i am ready to say how i really feel so are you ready to listen?
Are you ready to deal with the drama and issues i have?
Can you handle me and the way I am?
How much do you really know about me and the type of person i am?
well you be there to catch me when i fall?
or be the support i need cause i will really it in the end
Can you be patient with me cause it will take time
I know what i want
Are you sure that you will be ready and that you will still want it

So it is like five in the mornin and I can't sleep. So I decided to make a post since haven't done it in a while. so here goes
Why is it that when you need help the most all of a sudden no one is there to help you. I mean i thought friends were suppose to help out. I know that some decisions I have to make on my own or visa versa with everyone else but when you ask for help i mean someone should help if they can. I mean they could do anything from being a shoulder to lean on or just give advice.

Pushing me further and further away
Not even noticing the distance that is growing
but is it the distant that is non existing to you or is it me?]
I loved you and still love you
I cared for you and would have done anything for you
But did you ever feel the same bout me?
You say that you do/did
but it is hard to believe.
Why should I believe you when you haven't even been honest with yourself>
one day I may believe you and let you back in
But that is far off in the distant future.
Show me that I am important to you
THat I actually mean something to you
Then maybe we can go from there
But 0nly until you can be honest to yourself
I am gone, Giving up some may call it
But either way it is safe for me and my feelings this way
So it is up to you

All That I'm Living For
(song lyrics---Amy Lee)

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night

I can feel the night beginning
separate me from the living
understand me
after all I've seen
piecing every thought together
find the words to make me better
if I only knew how to pull myself apart

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night
all that I'm wanted for
althought I wanted more
lock the last open door
my ghosts are gaining on me

I believe that dreams are sacred
take my darkest fears and play them
like a lullaby
like a reason why
like a play of my obsessions
make me understand the lesson
so I'll find myself
so I won't be lost again

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night
all that I'm wanted for
although I wanted more
lock the last open door
my ghost are gaining on me

Guess I thought I'd have to change the world
to make you see me
to be the one
I could have run forever
but how far would I have come
without mourning your love?

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night
all that I'm wanted for
althought I wanted more
lock the last open door
my ghosts are gaining on me

should it hurt to love you?
should I feel like I do?
should I lock the last open door
my ghosts are gaining on me....

It is funny how much can be changed within a person
A person can change their hair, weight, eye color, and even their sexual orientation
But the only thing that cannot be change is who that person is deep down inside.
So why do why try so hard to do such an impossible deed?
What is the goal that will be received if we were ever able to accomplish changing our true selves?
The way I see it is this is like this,
Even if we were able to change our true selves into something that we thought we should be is it really worth it in the end?
You have to stop and think about why you are wanting to change or why you should have to change
No one should have to change for someone that they love or want to be with because then it wouldn't be true,
So really you can only be true to yourself and accept who you are deep down.

What happened to us?
We used to be really close friends
But now I only get the feeling that you couldn't care if I was around
Losing you as a friend is a nightmare that I do not want to face
You said that you would never push me a way well it seems like you are now
What could I have done to make you put the walls up and the mask back on?
I thought we could talk about things but whenever I try it just seems like I am bothering you
It hurts me all these thoughts that I really don't know are true.
I could just be extremely paranoid or they could be true and you just won't tell me
I don't want to stop being your friend and I don't want to stop caring about you
If you had only given me a honest straightforward answer where you did not change your mind
Maybe I would have known what to do
But don't punish me because I am or was unsure of what to do because I was getting mixed ideas from you
I am sorry that you waited a year, I never knew
I am sorry if I caused you confusion, it was never my intention
I am sorry if I have caused you pain, cause it is something i never wanted to do
So I only ask that we can atleast be friends again like you said
I want to help you when you have questions, need advice or whatever like before
I know it cannot be exactly like before but it could be close
I won't bother you anymore about what started this unless you want to talk to me about it
I promise!
I just want my friend back
Please forgive me.....

Good Enough---Amy Lee

Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly
now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drunk up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
and I've completely lost myself
and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you
conquer me completely
now I can't let go of this dream
can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
its been such a long time coming,
but I feel good

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
pour real life down on me
cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough
am I good enough
for you to love me too!

So take care what you ask of me,
cause I can't say no

So I am trying to make changes on here and I am not doing to well I think. So I guess I am going to have to beg for help!!!! Suggestions? Anyone?

My heart broke a little today when you told me the news
I couldn't believe it and probably still don't
I know you have been talking about it and telling me that you were going to
But part of me thought that you would never go through with it
I guess I was wrong and so now I will have to adjust
Adjust to not being about to talk to you whenever I feel like
Or not being about to come over and just shoot the breeze
Constant worry is going to set in whenever you make this venture
Worrying whether or not you are surviving, safe or warm
You never think about how much you will miss someone until they are gone
That is all I have been thinking about tonight
I just hope that you will keep in touch like you said you will
I hope that you won't forget the ones that are here waiting for you
Remember that you will always have a friend in me
When you need my help I will be here or even when you just need to vent
In a way I think you were right about soul mates

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!


So a new year has come, what to do this year? To everyone that might read this hope you have a great new year and that you accomplish everything that you want to. That is all I am writing tonight because the rest would just be a drunken rant that made no sense!

It has been a year since I started this blog and I still have some of the old post on here.
I guess you would say that I wasn't committed to this blog and I guess that you would be right.
But as I was thinking about my old posts I started thinking about what I had accomplished and what I had lost this year. Needless to say I think I started the year off better than I am ending it.
All the friendships that I thought I had have totally flown out the window and I still only have that one friend I have had since freshman year and the newest one that I made in 2004 at work. But I guess that just shows i am not worried about how many friends I have. The way I see it I can have all the hugest number of friends but how of them would actually be a true friend? I mean I rather have two or three true to life friends then like twenty fake ones. It takes a lot to be my friend I think. I expect support in a hard situation or a shoulder to cry on. I expect my friends to tell me when I am heading down a dark path. I expect my friends to rely on me and call me when they need a shoulder to cry on. I expect my friends to understand and accept the hard hurtful truth from me when I am trying to help them. So yea I guess I expected too much out of the other friendships I had in the beginning but only the strongest survive so I think I beat the house in the end.

I wish that people would just get over themselves.
I wish that we as humans could learn to love and live together with everyone.
I wish that everyone could be accepted for who they are and not seen as a "sickness"

I thought we were the loving and caring species?
I mean if that were true then why are there hate crimes?
Why are there murders? rapes? kidnappings?
Is the human race just totally uncappable of love and acceptance?

Why should some of my friends have to be afraid of being themselves?
Afraid that if their true self were seen they would be ridiculed and singled out.
Afraid that if they showed their true self certain rights would be withheld from them.
Doesn't this kind of behavior prove that some classes of people aren't even seen as people or even treated the same as others?


I just want to know what the world has come to
I just want to know why I should raise a child in a world like ours
Where so many are hurt because others are afraid.

Ok so I haven't been so faithful to my blog. I promise this time things will be different,i have my internet and computer back so hey I can access this all the time. Can you forgive? Well if you don't I really don't care because once again this site isn't for your sake it is for mine!!
Some words of advice. If you are going to make comments to people that are totally disrespectful and racist in nature don't get pissed when that person starts going off. Common sense right? Right! I mean why are you going to get pissed when you are the one that made the stupid ass comments in the first place? Just thought I would throw that out there.
So Christmas is upon us. One more week and the hype will be all over. My only gripe about Christmas is this. I am not a really religous person by far. I mean I have my beliefs, but the meaning of Christmas is no longer the meaning that it was suppose to be. Feel me?! Christmas was suppose to be the celebration of Christ's birth but it isn't any more. Now it is all about buying buying and spending spending. Gotta have a PS3 or a ninendo wii, or whatever the hot items are. I think that everyone(who believes in the birth of Christ) should stop and think really long and hard about how they are celebrating the holiday. Pay attention to yourselves and see if you have lost the meaning of Christmas some where in the hustle and bustle. If you have maybe you should take the time to celebrate and remember what it is all about.
One last thing. I work for wal-Mart and contrary to popular belief I will be saying Merry Christmas, I always have. My outlook is this if you do not celebrate Christmas because of your religion or what not then politely inform the cashier that you don't or something other that getting offended. We do not know your religion or background and will not get upset if your were to correct us. Well Merry Christmas everyone.