In the end

All the matters in the end is that I love you. Period. Doesn't mean that sometimes I don't hate you cause I do. You are the one person that can cause me to break down completely and lose myself in a pit of despair. You are also the one person that can raise me up from that pit and help me let the light in. I don't even know if you are aware of how much you can totally fuck up my emotional state. I am.

There is still so much to learn and you need to realize that. You can't always count on saying you love me and apologizing will fix what was broken. I don't even know if you understand how close you can to this being unfixable. I was sure I wasn't ever going to be able to forgive you and I haven't all the way. I was starting to think that this was the end, that we had gone too far. But some how you brought me back into the warmth of the love that I know you have for me.

I love it in the warmth of your love and never want to leave. Why would you ever want to evict me from this place?

Light Reflection

...I wrote this sometime ago and decided against posting it because I felt it was quite silly but when I reread it I realized that it actually had some meaning so I felt the need to share....




The light dances across the deep blue water as the reflection casts a glorious sight. There is an array of colors that spreads across the land, changing everything it touches. The picture starts to change into a rich, detailed Polaroid shot filled with bright, vibrant colors that seem to forever shine with such intensity.

As I let my weight slowly shift, my head falls carefully to your shoulder. It is as if this place on your shoulder was made for me. My head fits so perfectly. As I rest upon your shoulder, I take in the complete beauty of the scene before me. It is a masterpiece of art that nature has taken the time to create. So effortlessly yet perfectly painted as if done so with an artist's brush.

The reflection brings my gaze back to the deep blue water that is forever deepening with the lowering of the sun. It is as if the lake is a perfect reflection of the way my heart feels when I gaze into your eyes. When I think it could not get any deeper, something amazing happens to prove to me it can.

As the sun finally sinks from the sky, the picture changes into a scene engulfed by darkness. It is as if nothing could fight the darkness and everything must submit to its intensity. There is no life in this darkness and despair quickly sets in.

A gentle breeze starts to stir as the scent of exotic wildflowers start to fill the air. As the clouds lazily roll by, a lightness begins to purge the blackness. The pure white light penetrates all the places that have been filled with darkness and brings life back. The colors and shades are different than the setting sun but just as vibrant. All despair starts to slip away as lazily as the clouds roll across the sky.

My head is still upon your shoulder as I realize that it was you all along. You are the light in my darkness and I will forever gaze upon you when I start to feel my despair.

There will come a time...

One day things will come back to haunt you. You may never know when or where but believe me when I say that they will. That's karma. People should really think about the consequences of their actions and maybe they wouldn't do the stupid shit that will fuck up their lives in the end. This is just my view of course but still I think it is a good possibility.

I am not sure how you can be perfectly fine and act like there is nothing wrong when there is. I mean for goodness sakes, I even tried to explain it to you. But still, you act like it doesn't bother you or affect you and that hurts even more. What else do I have to do to make you understand just how severe this is for me? I have been a walking zombie the past couple days but you don't even seem to notice.

If this is you way of helping things get right again then I hope you aren't holding your breath. That doesn't work for me because the more I see you acting like everything is ok, the sicker I become and the deeper I fall. You don't understand what I mean by that and I know you don't.

It takes everything I have to stay some what in control and not to break down again. I am barely holding on and you just proceed to be unaffected. I don't know what to do. This is really eating away at me and I not sure I will be able to get what's eaten back.

Once again, there will come a time when you will realize what damage has been done.

Crossing that Line

You know its ok to argue, hell we all do. But what you did just crossed the fucking line. What in the hell makes you think you can say what you said to me and it would be okay? Do honestly think that if you just utter an apology (well not even sure you are going to do that) it would make everything ok? I mean seriously I am your fucking wife!!!

I just don't get you at all. I would never say something along the lines that you did especially when you are suppose to love me for who I am or whatever. I cannot actually say what I am trying to because I don't feel like repeating it. It hurt me to the core and you could never know how much it did.

It takes all I have to not just break down and start crying uncontrollably. I mean I really don't know what to think now. I can't let this go or even possibly think about forgiving you for this. How can I ever believe you the next time you say something about how beautiful or pretty I am? I will forever have this nagging doubt and it is all your fault. Thanks for that really. What would I do without you?

New Year's Post

So I thought about what I would write in this post, first post of the year and first in a while, and I decided that I wasn't going to write about the usual stuff like what I learned from last year, yada, yada, yada...

What I am going to write is about the uncertainity of the path my life may be taking. I don't know what is going to happen by the end pf this new year although I do hope that some things I want do. I don't know who in my life will not be here come December 31st and who the new people will be. All I know is that I am going to live each day that I am given and enjoy every minute. Hell, as far as I know this could be my last year on Earth. Who knows:

Nag

Good comes to those that wait.... Well how long does one have to wait? It seems that everything is starting to turn around for Ray and I, but I cannot help but wonder when shit will start going downhill again. I am happy that things seem to be going swimmingly but still there is that naggy irritation that I am trying to block out and ignore. Why is it so hard? Hmm... I guess I will never know the answer to this one will I?

Guess I will just learn to live with the fact that there will always be that constant nagging even when things are going right and there is nothing I can do about it. But man does it suck!!

I still feel the same desire when I look into your eyes. After all this time it is still there, as strong as ever. Just being around you, I am full of energy and my mood just naturally lifts. I don't know what it is about you, but I cannot seem to shake it. Not like I want to though.

You make me laugh. You make me smile. When I am with you I feel like there is nothing I can't do. What is it about you that does this??? I may never know but I do know that I never want it to end.

Frustration

You may scream and you may yell but that doesn't make you any better. You may blame me and say that I am the only one to blame but that doesn't make it true. None of this makes you any better than more or not responsible. It is your account that I just happen to be depositing my money into, i see that now. How was I to honestly believe that I would be able to actually have access to "our" money without having to ask your permission? Yea you may say that it isn't about asking permission but about communication. Well I told you how much I spent and I do not see a problem in me being able to spend 20 on something as frivolous as what I did today just like I don't see the problem in spending two hours with a friend of mine. You could have relayed to me the amount that we have but you have yet to do that in the past month. It is only after I have spent money on something needed or not that you start to bitch and moan about that account. What happen to us both taking responsibility? I guess that really meant just me right? I am sorry that I actually thought I could spend a total of 45 on myself, what in the hell was I thinking? As far as you never getting anything, well whose fault is that? I have tried to get you to get something you want but you don't. Medical bills, school books, and phone bills are not elective so you cannot hold that over my head as your reason for never being able to get anything. In response I could say that same thing about your 25% that will be starting soon but I don't. Why because I Know that you aren't choosing to do this for your enjoyment but because of it being a mandatory obligation. I am not sorry that I pay something towards my Dr bills, school bills, or telephone. That is what I call being responsible. But alas you shall worry no more. I will do what you want me to and start asking your permission or maybe I should have you set up an allowance for me.

I know this is going to probably just piss you off more but really I don't care. It is bullshit the way you acted when you got home and the way you treated me. Then you just go to sleep like nothing was done wrong or said wrong. Nice, really fucking nice. While I am just sitting here, venting, because I am so upset that I cannot even think about sleeping in the same bed as you. Love you too honey.

TTC

This is going to be really simple; TTC sucks! Why can't it be as easy for me as everyone else or how about instead of dumbass teenager being able to do it and not even want it, let someone who actually wants tc actually achieve it.

We Did It!!!

After all of the waiting and anticipation, it has finally happened. We as a country have decided to not let the color of one's skin be the one thing that stops them from being the leader of our nation. Obama is the prsident elect and change is definately on the way. Aren't you excited? I am. I am glad that one day I will be able to tell my grandchildren about how I was alive when the first African-American president was elected. I will be able to share his story and what he stood for.

Of course all last night we had customers bitching and moaning about Obama winning the election, but they weren't really bitching about the fact that they didn't agree with his views on certain things, no it was the fact that he was not white. It seems that some of us still have a long ways to go before we realize that the world is changing and it will do so with or without you.

The end is fastly approaching

It is now November. This year has past incredibly fast and what has been accomplished? I have completed a year of college, finally. Still working at Walmart even though I fear I am at my breaking point. I have had surgery to discover that I had a rare type of tumor and things had to be removed. That in its self is pretty scary, my chances of developing cancer have now increased, again. Some people have left my life and some have entered. I am grateful for these people in my life but saddened by the lose of the others. But I guess that is to be expected as one grows, right?

(Noticeably this post is just going to be a rambling of thoughts, ideas, and feelings so don't expect it to transition very well.)

I have caught myself, over the year,dwelling on things that are mostly negative, or at the very least, not healthy for me. I cannot seem to get past the fact that one day I will never again open my eyes and take in this world. I cannot accept the fact that I will not always live and experience the things I do everyday. That one day either ray or I will no longer be here nor will my parents. It scares me and once I get to thinking about I cannot stop even once I have reached the point of tears. This is torture, extreme, agonizing torture. But it is unavoidable so why dwell? I cannot seem to find the answer to that question. I think I need help cause if not I am afraid I might slip into a depressive state which would cause to me to loose precious moments of my life.

Along with thinking about perishing, there is the desire to have the people I have lost in my life again, and I don't mean those that have died. Almost every person that has been in my life at one point or another has made an impact and I wish that some could start being in my life again but I know that they aren't for a reason. But can I not have my cake and eat it too???

I think I am having a mid-life crisis, in a sense. All I want to do is live, forever, with all those that I love and cherish in my life. That isn't too much to ask, is it?

As the sun sets...

Light dances across the sky as the sun sinks behind the wooded landscape. The vibrant colors blend together into a picture of abstract art. As I sit here, watching the sun performing its graceful exit I think of you.

What are you doing at this moment?
Are you thinking of me?
Do you still have the same feelings for me?

Questions that are crashing around in my head, taking up much needed space, but I can not clear them. These consequences are what I have to face for having the feelings that I have for you. Feelings that you can truly never understand, but you try.

A million emotions flow through my body when I think about you and I could not even begin to describe them. All that really matters is that they are there. Most are wanted but a tiny few I could live without. Like apprenshion, doubt, fear but they are apart of the package.

As the darkness creeps in through the emptiness left by the sun, I come to my usual conclusion; if it was meant to be then what happens will also be meant to be. I plan on enjoying every minute of your company that I can.

I love you...

love lost

Lonely, that's how it feels.
Left behind, is what it is
Forgotten, maybe
Un-needed,probably

Just some of the thoughts that enter my mind when I start to think about our withering friendship. I really think that the way I saw our friendship was not the way you may have perceived it to be. I give my all to what little friends I choose to have because it is quality, not quantity, that matters to me. I think you may think otherwise

Message after message goes unanswered. If it wasn't for the fact that I can tell when you read any of my messages, I would not even know if you were still alive.
There are feelings involved that you will never know. You are more than a friend to me and that is what hurts the most.

I should not worry though, I know that when you need something from me you will contact me. But this time I will not be there.

Happiness Squandered

Sitting here, gazing off into my own little world, I sit and think about the things we do as people. We seem to live off of drama, tension, and any other dark, depressing feeling that is in the every day world. It seems impossible for us to use the light or uplifting events/feelings to sustain us. Why is that we just throw away any chance at happiness or living a almost decent life?

We don't have to always look at the ugly parts of life or the world. Hell, it would be a better place if we could all look for that silver lining. Think about. Would you rather dwell on all the happiness and good about your life or just live in that dreary ass darkness that is in every one's life?

Me, personally, would rather enjoy the warmth of the light. Yes, it might actually be like work but the end result would so be worth it. So that is what my mission for life is going to start being. To live positively and enjoy the warmth. Hopefully I will see you there.

Are we ready?

Nervously, I sit here pondering what is to come in the next two months of our lives. I am excited at the possibility of being able to have what we have so desperately wanted but I can not help but be a little bit apprehensive. Maybe it is just the normal jitters that can happen.

Are we ready for this? I mean have you really sat down and thought about how our lives will changed forever? It isn't that I don't want this, because I do, I just want to make sure that we are ready and you understand what it is that you are wanting to get into.

I say fuck being ready cause there is no such thing. We could never truly be prepared for such a step so lets just do it without looking back. As long as we know our love for each other is true and will always be there we will survive.

I love you baby and I am ready...

My hand begins to fall

A person can only hold their hand outstretched for so long before it starts to fall. Ours has already started to wilt and I do not think I am going to raise it again once it falls.

If it ain't one thing it is another

I am really getting tired of constantly being ill or injured. I am aware that I am partly to blame for this beacuse I am overweight. I mean I am still sore from my surgery which I found out when I went back to work and discovered that I was far from being 100%. Now I think an injury that happened a month ago at the bowling alley has turned into a real issue. I can barely walk today and the pain of standing up is just killing me. I do not want to get it looked at for fear of what they will tell me especially about missing more work. I know my job has to be getting fed up with this shit even though there is nothing they can do about it. Damn!! I wish I could just have a carefree week.

Selective Vision

We see them everyday, those who only see what they want to see. Hell, it is good chance that we are one of them. What they see can range anywhere from what they think they look like physically to who they are mentally. What it boils down to is that we are selective as humans to what we want to see about ourselves. If we don't want to see that we are beautiful then we can just see ourselves as the ugliest person in the world. It would be impossible to prove otherwise until that person is ready to see the truth. Until that moment, this person will only see what they want to see. Quite frankly it can totally piss off the the person who is trying to convince them otherwise or even cause them to give up completely.

I mean honestly, just think about trying to physically move a brick wall. That is what I think it would be like when it comes to trying to talk sense or reason into people who choose to have selective vision. It is quite frustrating and pushes you to the point of just wanting to say "fuck it" Believe me I have been there and have the shirt to prove it.

Now I am not saying that I am above this and have never been victim of this disease because I will be the first to admit that I have. What I am trying to express is that people need to open their eyes to the whole truth that things may or may not be as bad as they seem or that they are possibly just as much as fault as they may blame others to be.

Rock and a hard place

I do not want to be put in the middle but I feel that I should know both sides of the story because there are always two sides of a story. (and there is always stuff that is left out or exaggerated)

Don't worry about me, I plan to stay out of it unless a comment is made that offends me or mine. Yes, I took our once mutual friend in because I am not heartless enough to let someone sleep in their car with nowhere to go when I have a perfectly good spare room.

The only comment I will make is that I think what you all did yesterday was spiteful and childish (food). I really thought that you all were atleast better than that. I really hope our friendship is not affected by this because I fear that it will be.

Post-Op update

So yea, surgery went fine but I had to be thoroughly drugged before I went into anesthesia (Valium is my new friend!). my doctor had to remove what was found out to be a tumor and couple other things. Let's just say that I am now half a woman. I am still out of work for another week which means I am just sitting at home, bored out of my mind!! The when I woke up in recovery, I reevaluated things in my life and my attitude towards them. It is amazing how much surgery can change things. I woke up thinking about the relationships that I currently have and how involved I have or haven't been. The reason for all of this thinking is because my main worry before my surgery was that I would not wake from anesthesia. So when I woke, i vowed that I was going to strive to get the most out of my relationships and make each moment count.

I have being trying to reconnect and spend time with those that I feel are important in my life, but a certain individual is making it really difficult. (pretty sure that you know who you are) I cherish my friendships and only want them to grow with me as I grow.