The end is fastly approaching

It is now November. This year has past incredibly fast and what has been accomplished? I have completed a year of college, finally. Still working at Walmart even though I fear I am at my breaking point. I have had surgery to discover that I had a rare type of tumor and things had to be removed. That in its self is pretty scary, my chances of developing cancer have now increased, again. Some people have left my life and some have entered. I am grateful for these people in my life but saddened by the lose of the others. But I guess that is to be expected as one grows, right?

(Noticeably this post is just going to be a rambling of thoughts, ideas, and feelings so don't expect it to transition very well.)

I have caught myself, over the year,dwelling on things that are mostly negative, or at the very least, not healthy for me. I cannot seem to get past the fact that one day I will never again open my eyes and take in this world. I cannot accept the fact that I will not always live and experience the things I do everyday. That one day either ray or I will no longer be here nor will my parents. It scares me and once I get to thinking about I cannot stop even once I have reached the point of tears. This is torture, extreme, agonizing torture. But it is unavoidable so why dwell? I cannot seem to find the answer to that question. I think I need help cause if not I am afraid I might slip into a depressive state which would cause to me to loose precious moments of my life.

Along with thinking about perishing, there is the desire to have the people I have lost in my life again, and I don't mean those that have died. Almost every person that has been in my life at one point or another has made an impact and I wish that some could start being in my life again but I know that they aren't for a reason. But can I not have my cake and eat it too???

I think I am having a mid-life crisis, in a sense. All I want to do is live, forever, with all those that I love and cherish in my life. That isn't too much to ask, is it?