The beginning of the end

It felt so good, you couldn't tell him to stop. You weren't worried about the consequences of what you did this night. It would have only taken a sec to slide it on but you choose to take the risk. Now it is two months later. Staring at the lines on that stick, you begin to freak out. This is the beginning of the end of your life.

You don't know what you are going to do. You didn't want this. Well you should have thought about that before you decided to go without your protection. There is always one option but you know you could never do that. You could always, no you couldn't do that either. You know that the only thing you can do is accept responsibility and accept that this is the beginning of the end of your life.

Nausea, cravings, weight gain, mood swings you are so over these but yet you press on. Slowly you will start to accept what is going on and even look forwards to it. Hey,there are some who are not even as lucky as you that can even be in the situation you are in. There has to be a reason that this is happening to you at this point in your life. Maybe this is not the beginning of the end for you.

This could possibly be a good thing for you. I know that you are going to worry about whether you are doing it right, they all do. But I know that you have it in you and you will do just fine. So don't be depressed and think that your life is over. Your life is just beginning. I will be there through it all when you need someone. You know I will.

So don't think of it as the beginning of the end. This could be the greatest moment of your life.

I stole this from melissa who stole it from Amanda~~~

Hi my name is:Erica
When I'm nervous: Cry, stutter
By this time next year: Still in school still at Walmart
Last night: Busy

PART 1: YOU

Were you a planned baby? I think
Were you the first? yep.
Are your parents still married? yep.

PART 2: YOUR PERSONALITY

Do you have low self esteem? Yes
Do you get depressed about things easily? not really except death
Are you happy right now? truthfully? For the most part

PART 3: APPEARANCE

Are you comfortable with the way you look? no not realy
Describe your hair: shoulder length pain in the ass
Where do you buy most of your clothes? wherever i find something i like.

PART 4: RANDOM

Ever been kicked out of a bar? no.
Ever drunk dial an ex? oh yea and I do not recommend it
Can you tie a cherry stem using your tongue? sometimes usually by accident

PART 5: THE OUTDOORS

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors? outdoors
Do you like walking in the rain? yes
Do you like thunderstorms? love them.

PART 6: FOOD

Are you a vegetarian? no.
Anything you absolutely could eat forever? chicken alfredo with broccoli
What is your favorite dessert? ice cream

PART 7: RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE

Do you want to get married? I already am
Have you ever been in love? yes and still am
Are you in a relationship now? yuppers

PART 8: RANDOM QUESTIONS

1. Where is your cell phone? in the living room
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? husband
3. Your hair? a pain in the ass that I received from my daddy
4. Your style? lately? whatever I like
5. Cheesecake? One of the nastiest things ever created
6. Siblings? 3
7. Your dream last night? something about walmart
8. Your favorite drink? big red
9. Car you want? dodge ram
10. The room you are in: computer room
11. Your life goal? to just be happy
12. Your fears? death
13. Piercings? ears and tongue.
14. Tonight? work
15. Last night? work
16. Check out Superbad? nope but i own it.
17. One of your wish list items? laptop
18. Where did you grow up? jeffersonville.
19. Favorite movie[s]? horror or thriller
20. What are you wearing?my comfy christmas pajamas
21. Tattoos? 10~~butterfy on chest, dragon on right arm, rose w/tribal and ray's name on left arm,tribal lizard on right forearm, tribal heart on left forearm, kanji symbol for strength on right wrist, memorial tattoo on right calf, custom koi with waves on left calf amd huge ass koi on inner left calf. ( my left leg from knee to ankle is going to be a japanese inspired sleeve)
22. Ketchup? don't really care for it
23. Your computer? needs to be upgraded
24. Your friends?could not live without
25. Your mood? chilled
26. Missing? my friends
27. What are you thinking about right now? my grandma
28. Your car/truck is? expensive
29. Your work? really aggravating and stressful
30. Your summer? hot but welcomed
31. Your favorite song? mmmbop not really. play by david banner but I have many others
32. Your favorite color(s)? black, red, pink
33. When is the last time you laughed? earlier.
34. Last time you cried? couple days ago
35. High school? Jeffersonville HIgh School. GO BIG RED!!
36. Last text? Chris
37. Last received call? Mom
39. Crushing? ???
40. Love? incredible

To those that matter

The ones in my life should know that they are really special to be there. I only allow a few to be in my life that I think are truly benefical to me. Sure I have made some bad choices of who these people are but I also learned a few things from those experiences. I would not be where I am if not for the interactions that I have with these people. Everyone in my life brings me joy and happiness in their own way. I would not have it any other way. Even those that are in my life just through others or on here (blogger). I am thankful that there are people who are willing to take time out of their lives to get to know me and befriend me.

I may not be the best at showing how much they mean but I always try to make sure they know one way or another. It is wonderful to have people that can help me see different situations from different perspectives. Plus whenever I need advice they are there.

Ray, especially, has been more than awesome. Yes I know that we have had our rough patches and there have been times that it wasn't pretty. But in the end he has always been there for me. I know he loves me with all that he has and would do anything for me. He is the greatest man that I have ever known. My love for him is greater than anything I have felt before and I really enjoy this feeling. Sitting back and just looking at him still causes that rush of emotions that it cause back in the early part of our relationship. Just now it is more intense.

But anyways I was really writing this to thank all of you that are in my life. I value each frinedship and aquaintance.

Life is breath. © Cindy

To wake
To rise
Struggling,
fighting with ones self.
Or maybe following your path
and the destiny
he set out, with ease.

How we don’t more often question
The true big picture, to all this.

Living so freely.

When young
there’s no real pondering
on when it all ends, even how?
Such innocence and engaging
natural smiles.
Sane with their trust
and faith yet to be crushed.
Labelled dangerous to argue
and pushed to go with the flow.
We all do,
only know my eyes are open.
I’m still young and always
enjoy the journey.

Life is breath.
Inhale,
Exhale,
Breathe
it all in.

All is lost

Read, Read, Read
Decipher, Decipher, Decipher

This is all I seem capable of doing these days. Even though I like to think that I am pretty good at the second part, I still get lost and confused on somethings. Reading your words of despair, sadness, depression and just overall darkness has me worried. What has happened since? Thinking everyday about what you are doing and what is going on. Every time I talk to you I can sense something. Something that is troubling you and causing a dark time in your life. It may not even just be one thing but there is something. Our chats are always brief so I can never accomplish anything. I feel useless and that I have let you down. I am pretty sure that I have let you down and I do apologize. I know that an apology will not fix things but it is all that I can offer right now.

Have you given up? I wish you wouldn't cause all is not lost! I am trying to reach out but cannot find a hand reaching back to grasp. Should I just give up? Let it wither away til there is nothing left but a memory? That is something that I find almost impossible to do but it is slowly looking like a reality that I might need to face.

Dream On...

I glance into the future to see where my life is headed. I see the obvious-Ray, myself, kim, and the rest of my family but I don't see you. I don't know where you are or what happened. All I know is that it brings a great sadness to my heart. Doesn't matter how it happened but really only that it did in fact happen. We grew apart and as much as I tried to search and search, I could not find the reason or the proof that we even fought it. This glance made me think about the stuff that I am doing and allowing to go on right now. Once again I am noticing the shortness of life and it brings me back to depression. My glance at the fture may have only been a dream but it was close enough to what could happen that it got me worried.
So when I am worried I type. It may not make sense and I maybe all over the place but it is my only outlet. Thanks Chris for turning me onto to bloggin cause this has saved many trees. I write an abundance of things but very few make it up here. So I will just continue to sit here, accompinied only by my kitty, Precious, scribbling nonsense ( well typing really0 til I can fall back asleep.

Gentle Breeze

There is a gentle breeze here today. It is gently passin by each of us and preparing us for what is to come. It is not a harsh, negative breeze but one of compassion and positives. As it flows by, it gently nudges each person it passes. Giving us that gentle push in the direction that we should be going. Some may try to resist and fight it but there is no point. It is the gentle wind of change and it cannot be stopped.

It kills me when I know that people I cherish are hurting and I cannot do a thing about it.

Hurdles

Life has a funny way of making sure that you come back to reality. Just as soon as you think everything is going to be fine and going to keep going great, BAM! it smacks you in the face with some new bullshit. Now this could be the universe's way of testing your strength but still it is so unneeded. For those of you that think this about something in my life I am going to clarify right now that it isn't. This is just an observation that I have made about those in my life.

I just think that people can only handle soo much before they snap and just say "fuck it". Why keep fucking with them? I always feel bad and depressed for those in my life that just cannot seem to get a break and live a happy life. of course maybe these people could change how they handle things or what they take from certain situations but still most of this is just crap after crap being loaded on them.

Then there are those that are just asking for it. For example ( and no this is not about anyone in my actual life.) lets say that you are used to playing the field and dating different people without commitment then you decided to stay the same and get into a relationship. what do you think is really going to be the outcome? or if you are constantly stealing from your job? really you are bring this upon yourself and if you changed some of your behavior then maybe you would have a positive outcome that you might actually like.

All I am really saying is that some people are getting shit and they really don't deserve it and others are bringing it upon themselves.

The Pain

Why does it still hurt when I think of you?
Why cannot I not come to terms with the pain and feelings of emptiness?
Why is that when I think of the memories of you all I want to do is die?

It shouldn't hurt this bad still, its been almost two years.

Why can't I get over missing you? I pray everyday for the chance to see you again.
Why is it that since you left I have not been able to quit thinking about death?
I am afraid of death now and it is affecting my life.
I wish that you were still here, I need you.

Did it hurt? Did you know? IS that why you asked me to go to Georgia? Could you hear me when I got back? Most of all did you know that loved you and still do? Did you hear me when I told you so?

All these are things I want, need to know. It kills me to think that you didn't hear me when I told you I loved you that one last time. Every day it tears me up and I don't know what to do about it.

Maybe I should have visited you more often. Should have moved in and took care of you. You deserved so much better than what you had in the end. I feel guilt, depressed, sadness, and empty. I cannot even face death. I wasn't ever this bad when it came to thoughts of death but now it all but occupies my entire mind. Many nights I have cried because death has been made real to me and I don't want to face it.

I need you. I need to play rummy again. I need to be limited to the porch or the yard again. I need to spend the nights again. I need you to talk to. Most of all I just need you back in my life, to know that I do truly love you.

Once Again

I am amazed that I am right back in this situation. I am sitting here, wondering if I have done anything wrong to cause this. Cause the seperation and the feelings of being unwanted around that I have right now. It just seems that all communication may have been broken off. I don't like feeling like I might not have the right to reach out and try to talk nor the loneliness. I told myself that nothing would change for the worse, only for the better but I guess I should have known better. I could just be wrong and making this all up in my head, but in order to be making this all up, wouldn't there have to already be a suggestion there? I mean that only makes sense when you sit and think about it. But anyways, getting off subject.

For the past few days I have been constantly checking certain addys to see if I may have an email from those that are involved but there has yet to be one. It is esepecially bad when I have tried contacting. i don't want it to seem like I am beggingfor attention or even wanting the attenting. I just want it to be like it used to be even though that I know it is not even possible for things to go back to way they used to be

Happy New Year

So the new year is upon us and I have decided to make some changes. I am just now settling into my apartment and getting use to living with just Ray and I. It is a welcome change but I do miss seeing Chris and Angelina anything I could. So this year I have decided to work on getting Chris and mine's friendship back to the way it use to be and even better. I also plan on becoming even better friends with Angelina. Then there is Ray. I want this year to be the best we have ever had so far. Our 5th anniversary is this year so that is definately something to celebrate. A lot of people we knew when we first got married said that we wouldn't even make it this far. I knew they were wrong and now I get to prove them wrong. ( not very nice is it)

I just want to send a message to everyone that this is the new year and you can make it what you want. The slate is clean, as far as I am concerned, so don't worry about what happened last year and just have fun this year! Happy New Year everyone and may it be the best!

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