rsponse to last post

just to let all those that might actually be interested, I did finally make it home after six hours of trying to get a hold of my idiot. Still pissed though

Fuckin Hate You

I hate the fact that I have been waiting for five fucking hours for you to pick me up. But I can't even get you to pick up the fucking phone. This is the same ol bullshit well maybe not the same. It is actually worse. I failed my fucking test because of you had to take a TAXI to school when I have a fucking car. This is bullshit. I shouldn't have to sit here, cry and wait because I am not important enough for you to even wake the fuck up. But I guess this is all my fault and I really don't have a reason to be pissed. Well guess what you are wrong.
O and then when I think I have friends that would help me whenever i needed I just learn the hard way that it is just a bunch of fucking lies. (Not just you either)

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO CALL YOU GUYS BEFORE YOU REALIZE THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG??????

Yea i guess that would be my fault again because I should have my mom's new phone number memorized or realize that people have to sleep so they can go to work, wait work what in the hell is that? Yea I may just be being a fucking bitch right now but you sit here and cry and wait and cry some more because the one that is suppose to love you more that anything else in this word can't set a fucking alarm or wake the fuck up when the phone rings. Then you turn to your "friends" and they are now where to be found.

"Body of a 23 year old woman found on fern valley rd yesterday..." Yup that is what my caption will say when i have to start fucking walking cause I can't even catch the damn bus.

God I fucking hate you right now.

free pizza

so I was checking my email from school and noticed an email from papa johns. The subject was "free pizza" so naturally I clicked it so I could read it. It said that they were giving me a free two topping large because they thought I didn't get the service I deserved the last time I ordered pizza. I printed out the little voucher but just kept thinking there had to be a catch. I did not complain the last time I ordered pizza from Papa John's so why the coupon? So obviously there must be fine print that I wasn't reading correctly. When I got out of school I stopped at my local pizza parlor and took my voucher inside, still telling myself that I would probably have to buy a pizza. So here I am broke with a "free" pizza voucher in my local parlor getting ready to made a fool of. I walked to the counter and handed the lady my voucher. Bracing myself I asked what the catch was. Oh here it comes...."there isn't one, you just get a free pizza" doesn't sound like"you have to buy a large two topping". Right before I told the lady that i knew it all along i thought about what I had just heard. Wow I really did get a free pizza! I ordered it and did receive it. There is nothing like free pizza when you are broke and hungry, best tasting thing in the world!

The words that bind can be so easy unravelled by the slightest wavering of ones faith. Faith in any part of the commitment or bond between two people be it friendship, love, marriage. When one part of that bond starts to doubt, it causes an uneasiness. Uneasiness and doubt can create damage that is irreversible and painful to all that involved. In order to prevent one from doubting, they should just have faith in the strength of the bonds they have created not worry if they are going to fail. Just have faith and it shall give you strength in any endeavours that you face in the future. Know that the ones that are in you life are there for a reason and can be you well of strength, bottomless and unending...

We Have Been Friends Together--Caroline Norton

WE have been friends together

In sunshine and in shade,

Since first beneath the chestnut trees,

In infancy we played.

But coldness dwells within thy heart,

A cloud is on thy brow;

We have been friends together,

Shall a light word part us now?

We have been gay together;

We have laughed at little jests;

For the fount of hope was gushing

Warm and joyous in our breasts,

But laughter now hath fled thy lip,

And sullen glooms thy brow;

We have been gay together,

Shall a light word part us now?

We have been sad together;

We have wept with bitter tears

O'er the grass-grown graves where slumbered

The hopes of early years.

The voices which are silent there

Would bid thee clear thy brow;

We have been sad together.

Oh, what shall part us now?

Moving On

Moving on is so hard to do, as well as letting go but this is what I must do. There is no point of trying to hang on when it is obvious that I am being slowly replaced. I know I shouldn't be so hurt and irritate by the little, but noticeable things i just can't help it. I am the one deciding to let go because there is nothing left to do. I am no longer needed so why keep trying? There have been things going on and changes in your life and I know nothing about it. I try to ask, to see what's happening but nothing comes of it. Instead you are turn to someone else. There are secrets, "inside jokes", and a closeness that I don't have anymore. I am happy that you're getting along and not even jealous, just didn't think that you would shut me out

So I am moving on. I have done all that I can do here and any other efforts would be useless and wasteful. I am going to quit asking when we are going to have our catch-up sessions. I am just going to quit everything all together.

Hurry up and wait

Here we are standing beside this pallet wrapped with black shrink wrap. we have already been here for two hours with our hands on the contents. We only have three more hours to go! So we just hurry up and wait.

Three hours has now past and the excitement really begins. I feel sorry for the associate that has to cut the plastic away, he has no chance of surviving. Surviving the chaos , showing pushing clawing just to grab the pallets precious cargo. The whole store is in such a feverish frenzy that the remaining associates just run and take cover.

After you have claw and fought your way for the item that are the most precious to you, start heading for the checkout-there are more territories to claim. The only thing is that traffic is worse than morning rush on 65. It takes you 15 minutes to walk about 15 feet. Once again-hurry up and wait.

time to start getting crafty. Looking left and right you notice an opening. If you could only get there in time you know which shortcut to take next. You have take this building and its layout for the past 2 weeks. made all the required escape routes so you just have to reach the opening.

Made it now the rest will be a breeze. All you have to do is...DAMN! Why is that when all you want to do is check out they dont have 24 of the 23 registers open. (not a typo, this would be what you call sarcasm). look for the shortest line and hold your ground. Hurry up and wait.

you gripe and moan the whole 3 minutes it takes to get from the end of the line, by the clothes, to the front.(once again sarcasm.) when you are out of this store you just move on to others and rinse and repeat. all the while telling yourself that you will not do this again next year.

It is all a lie. I will see you again next year doing exactly this; hurry up and wait.

Apartment Hunting

This is a very cruel game. Apartment hunting. It starts out by getting as many of those little apartment books as you can and thumbing through them. Then you start comparing apartments. By this time you are getting more and more into it. Next you move on to calling and finding out information about the ones you are interested in. Making sure it is a big enough game, oooo does it have a swimming pool that you will never use but pay for it anyways? (Yes even though it says that it is a amenity you are still payin for it, it is included in the rent. Shocker isn't it!) or how about free utilities, which are the same as the free pool. How much is rent? After the sizing up the game by scoping out with the phone you move on to setting up your area. you stalk out each potential apartment that you have narrowed it down to. The one that is close to work, the one that is the cheapest and most practical, the one that you would give your first born for because it has every possible amenity that you would ever want. You make up a reason for not going after the one close to work after visiting it, the practical one is your second choice while you have justified paying almost double for the apartment of your dreams. after you determine whether or not you can afford it you apply. Then it gets interesting. Turn in your application and wait like a hunter who has found that prize deer. You know that it is in your grasp all you are waiting on is to sign on the dotted line. You are getting ready to pull the trigger and BAM! the deers catches wind and is out of your range. You have lost all sight of the deer (apartment) and now you are back to were you started, sucks doesn't it!

explaining

When I write on here I don't expect to have to explain it to those that read this. I mean I will if the is a misunderstanding but other than that I don't like to explain. I don't write to make things easier for others. If I am writing something that is in particular interest to you that you should be able to understand it. If not than dont' ask me to explain it. I don't have hidden meanings in my writing so don't look for them. Quit getting mad when I don't want to explain it to you.It gets tiresome and aggravating. Nothing personal really just i don't like justifying my writting.

In the end

Well it is almost the end of my comp class so what does that mean?

for some, Chris, you are probably thinking that I will go back to the old ways and maybe update once every three months and for others you may think that i will just start right random, meaningless post because I have gotten use to writing constantly in here. Well to both sides I say that you are wrong.I have realized that my posts on here even when they have to be edited are my way of venting and getting my thoughts out there. even if they don't make any sense to you that is what they are. I have started a new habit and plan on continuing it a little more faithfully. I have also realized that I really have a problem with getting my writing criticized and need to work on that. Just know that this blog of mine will be here for some time to come.

Boredom

So I am off tonight and I have nothing to do. Well I do have something like homework I could be doing. I would be doing it if I have my binder and my book but it is in my car which I do not have. SO I just sit here, bored and playing on my computer. I would come out of this dull room but then that would mean I would be in the public areas where I might have to deal with a room full of tension. Which is another reason I am moving. But i have already talked about that on here. So I will just sit here and type my day away. Atleast I am working on some of my homework by doing my blog. I guess there is always a positive thing in anything.

Waiting

Sitting here waiting, waiting on what I don't even know
All I know is that I am waiting for something
Something to pull me in the direction the I need to be going
Waiting day end and day out
I am sick of waiting, why can't I just take action?
I don't have the will power to take action and I am not man enough to take
responsiblity for what might happen if I do take action.
I know it seem like I am rambling but I am not
this all makes sense to me
So I will just continue to sit here
Waiting like always

Hard Feelings

Why would there be hard feelings when you aren't the one who is to blame? That, my friend, would be silly and childish. You can't control how the other acts so you should not be the one to apologize. We are grateful for you and all that you have done for us, only wish that I could have returned the favor some how. I don't think that I have been the friend I should have been. I don't even know what is going on. Maybe it is the work schedule or just the fact that I will not go in your room to see if you are up because I would have to cross enemy lines to get there. I am not a person who likes to cause tension or uneasiness hence part of the reason we have choosen to leave. I don't want those involved in all of this to think that we are moving because they are making us. Yes, they helped but it isn't because they said that we have to that we are. I only wish that A and you understand that it is not about you. You guys have not done anything to us so once again there are no bad feelings.

The only feelings that are present are remorse, pity and I guess sympathy. Remorse in the fact that I wish this could have been the experience it should have been. Pity because,well I look at her and feel it because she is such a bitter person. And sympathy because that is just how it is. This was and still is a learning experience. You have the look at the situation and see what you can take and learn from it. Always make sure that you look for the good side to everything that seems negative.

Just because we are leaving doesn't mean that we won't be here for you. It will be the way it has always been. You will come over and hang out and we will still do the same. If you needed some where to stay for a night or two you would just call us up and we would open the door. If you needed something I would go out of my way to help if possible. That is just the type of friend I am and have always been. The only reason things would change would be if you wanted them to.

Reunited update

Just thought I would let those who read this that i have indeed talked to my half-brother. We are exchanging emails and are starting to become reacquainted. I was happy to hear that he was indeed wondering the same about myself. So I guess we are going to take it slowly and then hopefully we will meet up one day in person.

Changes

It seems that things are changing. Not just for Ray and I but as well as those in our lives. There are things in motion that cannot be stopped and even if they could it would be a grave mistake to do so. I do not care for change but I welcome it with open arms. It is unavoidable so why should I fight it? Instead I should embrace it and do everything in my power to aid it into a positive change. As far as the changes the loved ones in my life are facing I can honestly say that i do not know how they will turn out.

Here I thought that I knew most, not all, of what was going on with a friend of mine when I really don't know anything at all. Maybe it is my own fault for not trying to be overly involved with the problems and demons they may have been facing. Maybe it was partly their fault. Regardless I cannot say that I am the friend that I thought I was to them when I know nothing of what is going on. It feels like we are all taking our separate roads, leaving those the were once held in high regard in the dark to fend for themselves. Why would we knowing do such a thing when they can be some of the greatest support a person can have? Are we not setting ourselves up to fail by taking this solitary journey. But who am I to say such things? It is your life, your choice. I only wanted to be a part of it.

Back to changes. I expect the changes and hurdles that lie a head to be challenging but well worth it. We (ray and i) can no longer live like we are at this moment. It is not that we are not grateful because we are, but to be treated like we do not deserve the same respect and privileges as some of the other roommates is the final straw. This is not their house to be making the decisions that they are making. Being that I cannot not and will not address the party to which I am referring to, I turned to the "landlord" to address issues that have arisen since we have taken up residency. Although I truly believe that those issues have been mentioned because I believe the landlord to be one to keep their word, the fact that things do not change is enough. We want to be able to live some where with total comfort and know that we are not prisoners of our own room. Our marriage is the one that is hurting out of all this. Myself being that passive person that wants nothing but to make peace and Ray the one who wants to confront and take charge of the issues, we are butting heads. So enough is enough. I have backed down and allowed the unavoidable to truth to be shown. We have to do what we have to do.

I still am feeling guilt because I do not want to cause our true friends any grief or cause them to struggle. But in the end I am afraid that this situation may hurt our friendship. I know that you are going to take this personally, please don't. It is not an attack towards you just an admission of truth. I value the friendship that we have and would never do anything to sever that. I just can no longer live with the childishness and the animosity towards me that is uncalled for. I have never done anything to the one in question except try to make nice. But that is redundant.

This has grown far longer than I expected it to so I am just going to end this before I say anything else that will be my own undoing.

You always tell me when i do anything wrong
Do I ever do anything right?

Truth

Why can't you see that i want to be with you and only you?
IT is as plain as day. I tell you everyday that I love you and only you. Don't you believe it is the truth? Why else would I put myself through such torment and pain to make sure that you understand the things that you question? If i did not care I would not argue with you about the things that are not true. I would not cause myself to be so upset to the point of tears if I did not think it was something worth fighting for. But you can't keep fighting me. I cannot handle the constant speculations you have about the actions that I take or the ones that I talk to. You have to quit lying to me when I try to ask you what is bothering you or tell me all of it not a piece. It is not fair to me. Why you might ask because you are leading me to believe that we are on the same page. Every time we talk I think things are great. I never think that there is any type of problems because I believe you when you tell me everything. Then you go and blow up in my face about things that I either never knew bothered you or things that I thought we had figured out. It is not far. I thought you were happy because I am. Yes I am wrong at times and i am not afraid of admitting that but you take things out of proportion. There will be other people in my life called friends. Every time we talk I think it is meaningful and i thought you did too.
The truth is I don't want to cause you to live a life of constant suffering and doubt. I can only tell you that I am not trying to do anything wrong so many times. There is nothing else I can do to make you either believe me or not. We can have no relationship if you are not willing to trust and be secure in the fact that I chose you. I love you and I really hope you believe that.

Crashing

I hear the walls crashing down around me as I sit and do nothing
Their explosive finales are constant reminders
Reminders of irreversible damage that has been cause by one slip of the tongue
or even on slip of a finger.
Causing a catastrophic domino effect that will only end when everything has
crashed to the ground.
The support of the walls were not as stable as I remembered
Nothing I can do now except let their songs ring through and through until I finally see the buried truth.

If I had enough strength on my own I would support these walls
I know that I do not so I don't even bother trying.
Since I cannot stop these walls from falling once the cycle has started,
I will just sit here in my dusty vast nothingness and wait for the light
that will guide me home

Not Perfect
by Angell

There are many ways to describe a friend
There are many wise sayings that help us understand

But the truth beyond it allIs that a friend
Is so much more
Its more than a caring touch
its more than a friendly smile

When you have one true friend
Its more than your share, they say
Many of us have friends who are
Less than perfect, we might as well say

Sometimes they manage to stab us in the back
Sometimes they fail to comfort us in time of need
Sometimes they fail to heal our wounds when we bleed

We all need friends as they need us
We aren't perfect neither are they
But no matter how imperfect
True friends will remain true friends
........ Forever

Ray

The Light Upon The Sea
by Robert S. Bise

There was a time it seemed as though
My life was tossing to and fro
And I, left with nowhere to go,
Was subject to the sea.

But there, ahead, a beam of light
Peered through the darkness of the night
And granted to me clearer sight
That I might be set free.

I steered a course toward the land
To find a refuge on the sand
And maybe touch the gentle hand
That guided me along.

And when I reached the coast that night,
Upon a hill, the shining light
Was tended by a welcome sight . . .
My friends had led me home.