In the end

All the matters in the end is that I love you. Period. Doesn't mean that sometimes I don't hate you cause I do. You are the one person that can cause me to break down completely and lose myself in a pit of despair. You are also the one person that can raise me up from that pit and help me let the light in. I don't even know if you are aware of how much you can totally fuck up my emotional state. I am.

There is still so much to learn and you need to realize that. You can't always count on saying you love me and apologizing will fix what was broken. I don't even know if you understand how close you can to this being unfixable. I was sure I wasn't ever going to be able to forgive you and I haven't all the way. I was starting to think that this was the end, that we had gone too far. But some how you brought me back into the warmth of the love that I know you have for me.

I love it in the warmth of your love and never want to leave. Why would you ever want to evict me from this place?

Light Reflection

...I wrote this sometime ago and decided against posting it because I felt it was quite silly but when I reread it I realized that it actually had some meaning so I felt the need to share....




The light dances across the deep blue water as the reflection casts a glorious sight. There is an array of colors that spreads across the land, changing everything it touches. The picture starts to change into a rich, detailed Polaroid shot filled with bright, vibrant colors that seem to forever shine with such intensity.

As I let my weight slowly shift, my head falls carefully to your shoulder. It is as if this place on your shoulder was made for me. My head fits so perfectly. As I rest upon your shoulder, I take in the complete beauty of the scene before me. It is a masterpiece of art that nature has taken the time to create. So effortlessly yet perfectly painted as if done so with an artist's brush.

The reflection brings my gaze back to the deep blue water that is forever deepening with the lowering of the sun. It is as if the lake is a perfect reflection of the way my heart feels when I gaze into your eyes. When I think it could not get any deeper, something amazing happens to prove to me it can.

As the sun finally sinks from the sky, the picture changes into a scene engulfed by darkness. It is as if nothing could fight the darkness and everything must submit to its intensity. There is no life in this darkness and despair quickly sets in.

A gentle breeze starts to stir as the scent of exotic wildflowers start to fill the air. As the clouds lazily roll by, a lightness begins to purge the blackness. The pure white light penetrates all the places that have been filled with darkness and brings life back. The colors and shades are different than the setting sun but just as vibrant. All despair starts to slip away as lazily as the clouds roll across the sky.

My head is still upon your shoulder as I realize that it was you all along. You are the light in my darkness and I will forever gaze upon you when I start to feel my despair.

There will come a time...

One day things will come back to haunt you. You may never know when or where but believe me when I say that they will. That's karma. People should really think about the consequences of their actions and maybe they wouldn't do the stupid shit that will fuck up their lives in the end. This is just my view of course but still I think it is a good possibility.

I am not sure how you can be perfectly fine and act like there is nothing wrong when there is. I mean for goodness sakes, I even tried to explain it to you. But still, you act like it doesn't bother you or affect you and that hurts even more. What else do I have to do to make you understand just how severe this is for me? I have been a walking zombie the past couple days but you don't even seem to notice.

If this is you way of helping things get right again then I hope you aren't holding your breath. That doesn't work for me because the more I see you acting like everything is ok, the sicker I become and the deeper I fall. You don't understand what I mean by that and I know you don't.

It takes everything I have to stay some what in control and not to break down again. I am barely holding on and you just proceed to be unaffected. I don't know what to do. This is really eating away at me and I not sure I will be able to get what's eaten back.

Once again, there will come a time when you will realize what damage has been done.

Crossing that Line

You know its ok to argue, hell we all do. But what you did just crossed the fucking line. What in the hell makes you think you can say what you said to me and it would be okay? Do honestly think that if you just utter an apology (well not even sure you are going to do that) it would make everything ok? I mean seriously I am your fucking wife!!!

I just don't get you at all. I would never say something along the lines that you did especially when you are suppose to love me for who I am or whatever. I cannot actually say what I am trying to because I don't feel like repeating it. It hurt me to the core and you could never know how much it did.

It takes all I have to not just break down and start crying uncontrollably. I mean I really don't know what to think now. I can't let this go or even possibly think about forgiving you for this. How can I ever believe you the next time you say something about how beautiful or pretty I am? I will forever have this nagging doubt and it is all your fault. Thanks for that really. What would I do without you?

New Year's Post

So I thought about what I would write in this post, first post of the year and first in a while, and I decided that I wasn't going to write about the usual stuff like what I learned from last year, yada, yada, yada...

What I am going to write is about the uncertainity of the path my life may be taking. I don't know what is going to happen by the end pf this new year although I do hope that some things I want do. I don't know who in my life will not be here come December 31st and who the new people will be. All I know is that I am going to live each day that I am given and enjoy every minute. Hell, as far as I know this could be my last year on Earth. Who knows: