So tomorrow is July 7th huh? Well that is going to be one depressing day. Tomorrow is my Grandmas birthday and for those of you who don't know she pasted away on April 21. I want everyone of you who says that the pain will get better or that it will go away to stop telling bullshit lies! This pain will never go away although it may lessen ( I highly doubt that too) I was way too damn close to her for it to just go away. Every damn day I think about her and every day i start thinking that I am really deeply depressed. Although the world may not see me that way believe me when I say I am. This pain reaches to the bottom of my soul and I think that it is starting to pull me down with it. I will not and still do not accept the fact that she is really gone. She will be there in her gown on her bed in her trailer when I go over to visit her.... But who and the hell am I kidding the only one over there is my drunk ass uncle who stole from her and lied to her and used her to get his next fixed. The money came from kentucky from her retirement. she had no Life insurance so this 5000 is all that the family is going to get. Her funeral hasn't even been paid for yet because we have been waiting on this check, meaning my mom and I, but there is a catch--- it is going to the stupid, jobless drunkards! So my mother who was also one of my grandma's children will probably never see this money that was previous agreed to go towards the cost of the funeral. So it looks like my mother will get stuck with paying this and never see it or get help from my grandma's other to children.
So everyday I am reminded of my Grandmother and everyday the pain only gets stronger not weaker. So all fo you giving the false sense of hope GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! Cause i don't need anymore shit than I already have.

so who can say that I have been slacking just a little? Yea I know you can Chris but anyways. So here is a long overdue post. But it isn't going to be much of run cause I have to run. I have a certain friend that seems to be afraid to take this little bitty ol test because he nevers seems to "remember" take it or he doesn't have the time. Really he is just avoiding it!!! But anyways. My life is getting better i think since a drunk night which involved a drunk talk of true thoughts. damn liquid courage!! Also this is to someone who reads this and you know who you are. I honestly cannot believe that you thought I was leaving that stuff on your blog! I would never say or do some shit like that nor would I try to mess up something that you have with him. That is just really stupid. I really don't understand how you came to the conclusion that it was me although I know that you don't anymore or atleast i hope you know. But that is it for now kiddies until we me again....

OK so this is for all the shit I have been getting over my posts. Let me make this clearer for you guys! What I post isn't always my own thoughts or feelings sometimes not even my own words. But some of the one's that are my own words may not be true to anything in my life, just wrote it cause I liked that way it sounded. So once again I am not going to defend what is on here nor am I going to try to make you believe me. I will, however, refer you to look at the profile underneath my tag board if you need it to be explained even better. If that doesn't work and you just can't seem to get it, I suggest this; DON'T READ MY FUCKING BLOG!!!!! THIS IS MY WORK OR STUFF THAT INTERESTS ME NOT YOU. There doesn't have to be a meaning to anything I write or post so if I say there isn't one then THERE ISN'T ONE!!!! Got it? Well i fucking hope so!!!

So I was on vacation for the last week. I went down to atlanta and seen my cousin. They seriously don't know how to drive! Other than that nothing has really been going on. I really don't want to go back to work.... Oh and Chris won't help me change my blog cause he is a loser. THat is all for now, I will write more when i have time tonight

Darkness sets in as I close my eyes
It fills my soul as I allow it to engulf my body.
I welcome this darkness for it is my only escape.
Escape from this world and all the pain.
The pain caused by the ones who "love" me
The pain that seems to follow me through out my life.
Where is my beacon of light?
Do I even have a beacon of light or has that too become engulfed by the darkness?

So I have a great new game that everyone should try, hide-n-seek in a dark scary house that was built on a grave yard with a freaky basement. I promise it is actually fun as long as you don't bring out the guns!No but really i have been having a great time at Chris's house with our stupid little kid games. IT is kinda like a way that i can forget any problems i have and act like a kid again. Which, by the way, I would recommend to everyone cause it really is a great way to relax. But don't tear up the person's house everytime you go over there! But back to acting like a kid again. This has got me thinking about how much i forget to have fun and not take things too seriously. Life is way too short to be doing this. one day I am going to wake up and ask myself where has the time gone. I don't want to sit and regret how much i never did because I thought i was too old or that i would always have the time. I have learned to face the fact that everday that i waste is a day that I will not be getting back. If i could go back I am pretty sure there are many things that i would change but hindsight is 20/20!

What great joy marriage is. Day in and day out I get to sit and listen to my husband bad mouth me, belittle me, tell me that I don't do anything, oooo and that I am not attractive to him anymore. It is not like my self esteem is sooo high right now that I can handle it. I think I have come to realize that I am slipping into a severe state of depression. Being surrounded by negativity every day doesn't make things better. It feels like my husband isn't even happy with me anymore and I don't even know why. Things have changed and we are slowly falling apart...

Will you let the little time you have on this earth slip through your fingertips?


Here is my thought for the day...(my 2 cents)...stop what you are doing right now!
Now, think real hard about whether or not what you were currently doing was a big waste of time.
Could you picture yourself doing something that you really wanted to do?
If so then why aren't you doing it!
We all have very little time in this world and should seriously consider this when we go to waste it.
We never know when it is going to happen so why waste a precious second?


Get out there and do what you want cause it is you time and no one else's!

Unhappiness fills my soul
As I gaze into his caring eyes
My mind has already let go
But my heart is unwilling
I'm just dragging him along
So I will have someone just to go home to.
I know it is selfish and wrong
But I have to have someone in my life.
So I can't let go, not yet
He's the best thing I have going for me
The only thing I have going for me
I need him
I love him
But I can't handle this
No trust
Constant arguing
Give it another chance
Cause I know it can work
Just keep telling myself this
Because who else is there?
I'll settle for this
Because this is all I have
I just want to be loved
And he is the only one
The only one who loves me.

We all take life for granted
Thinking there will be a tomorrow
For many of us there is a sunrise
But for some only darkness
We go day to day living for the next
When we should live for now
Some get the chance to chase their dreams
Others don't get a chance to dream
Everyone is immortal, or so they may think
Until you never awake
So live your life to the fullest
Each and everyday
Because you may never know
When God will take it a way.

I wrote the words "I miss you" in the sand
The blue of the sea that day was too dazzling

I wander alone, searching for you
Among the passing crowds in the bustling cities
I turned as though I faintly heard
A voice calling for me, but no one was there

Such painful feelings are just hard to bear
The sun burns as it shines down on me

I wrote the words "I miss you" in the sand
The blue of the sea that day was too dazzling
When I whispered the words "please get my message" [1]
The shade of the clouds that day was too sorrowful

"There's no such thing as a never-ending story"
You murmured as you looked away
Now that I understand the meaning of those words all too late
You aren't here

I finally realised that these days of playing dress-up
Over and over again are just pointless
Wanting to tell you those words of "thank you"
I ran through the crowd at sunset
My heart is shouting out its need to cry
The sun is laughing as it looks down on me

I dream, wondering if you will come for me
While I've fallen asleep, worn out from crying; I miss you

I wrote the words "I miss you" in the sand
The blue of the sea that day was too dazzling
If I bring myself to say the word "goodbye"
I wonder if I can relieve these heartbreaking feelings?

"Man does not make meaning, man makes illusions and traps for himself."

So my New year is starting off very shitty. My husband just decides to get drunk and tell me that he is leaving me and that I am sch a fucking liar. OOOO and that I am hiding this big ass secret. See now he is talking about something from way in the past that we were suppose to have let go/. So yea I just give up/ He just keep sitting here making me look like and ass and just keeps talking. Doesn't really care about he is making me feel. I just give up

My heart still flutters when I see you or hear your voice.
I still get those butterflies in my stomach thinking of you.
I can only smile when you are on my mind.
But this where you will only be.
What could have been if I had just taken that step...
I wonder every now and then if I made the right choice.

SO Chris this is to you..
you are the only one that ever tags except helen every once in a while.
I am not sure why you are always wanting to see what I write
I am not even sure you know exactly what I am writing about.
But I am glad you read this
I am glad that you take the time out of your day to comment.
so thank you

Ummm... There isn't much to write about but if I don't update regularly then I get in trouble by SOMEONE....... So I am updating. FINALLY, Christmas is over. And it is about time,.

SO this is just to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!!!

A rush of nervousness rushes thru me as I gaze over at you.
Your gentle and caring demeanor causes my heart to race.
What is it about you that causes all the color to rush to my cheeks?
Maybe it is your caring attitude
Or maybe it is just your personality?
Well whatever it is don't change it because it is working.
IT is working on me, and it is working on others.
I can only smile when you look my way because words escape me.
Then the thoughts and ideas start rushing to my head.
I wonder what could be or what would have it been like,
For see I will never know what could have been.
So for now all I can do is wonder and wonder if you ever do the same.

Marriage is everyone's goal in life
But not everyone knows the rights.
You have the right to disagree or to even squabble over the little things.
You don't have the right to harm the one you love
NO matter how mad they make you!
You have the right to burn dinner occasionally.
You don't have the right to scorch it on purpose.
You have the right to your own private time.
You don't have the right to make that all the time.
You have the right to be stubborn.
You don't have the right to be stubborn all the time.
You have the right to be wrong.
You don't have the right not to admit when you have been.
Most of all you have the right to be loved unconditionally.
But you don't have the right to not return the love.
Marriage is about love and trust.
Marriage is about understanding and forgiveness.
So know your rights,and be true to your heart.

Dad's Song
This song is for you. I want you to feel it in your heart.
For you to know that we're together when we're apart.
Ever and ever sharing a love so bold that toches the depths
of our souls.
This song is for you to lift your spirits when you are blue
Please feel we're together when we're apart be secure
with this knowledge in your heart.
There can be no tomorrow without yesterday....(unfinished)