Here we are again

It is the same circle every month. I cycle through, start the pills for five more days, wait five, make "sandwiches" for five days, wait, wait some more, and then..... get disappointed. Repeat again and again. I am down to our last two tries and I am quite capable of saying that I am tired of the disappointments and the stress and being depressed about it. It just seems like the holy grail and I will never be good enough to obtain it. Face it, I am just not able to have what I want or to give you what you want.

For the past month I have been having dreams that seem so real to me. They are vivid and lifelike with every detail perfectly fashion to make it seem so damn believable! Then I wake up. When I finally realize that it was only a dream, I am hit with such a sadness and depression that I haven't really had before, with the exception of my grandmother. It is like I have lost this infant (or infants like it was today) and have to grieve or something. I really cannot explain it but only say that it hurts really bad and I wish I did not have to have such wonderful dreams when all they are, are mirages of what I want. It is like my subconscious is having fun just torturing me. Either way I am tired of the depression from all this. Just plain tired.