I still feel the same desire when I look into your eyes. After all this time it is still there, as strong as ever. Just being around you, I am full of energy and my mood just naturally lifts. I don't know what it is about you, but I cannot seem to shake it. Not like I want to though.

You make me laugh. You make me smile. When I am with you I feel like there is nothing I can't do. What is it about you that does this??? I may never know but I do know that I never want it to end.

Frustration

You may scream and you may yell but that doesn't make you any better. You may blame me and say that I am the only one to blame but that doesn't make it true. None of this makes you any better than more or not responsible. It is your account that I just happen to be depositing my money into, i see that now. How was I to honestly believe that I would be able to actually have access to "our" money without having to ask your permission? Yea you may say that it isn't about asking permission but about communication. Well I told you how much I spent and I do not see a problem in me being able to spend 20 on something as frivolous as what I did today just like I don't see the problem in spending two hours with a friend of mine. You could have relayed to me the amount that we have but you have yet to do that in the past month. It is only after I have spent money on something needed or not that you start to bitch and moan about that account. What happen to us both taking responsibility? I guess that really meant just me right? I am sorry that I actually thought I could spend a total of 45 on myself, what in the hell was I thinking? As far as you never getting anything, well whose fault is that? I have tried to get you to get something you want but you don't. Medical bills, school books, and phone bills are not elective so you cannot hold that over my head as your reason for never being able to get anything. In response I could say that same thing about your 25% that will be starting soon but I don't. Why because I Know that you aren't choosing to do this for your enjoyment but because of it being a mandatory obligation. I am not sorry that I pay something towards my Dr bills, school bills, or telephone. That is what I call being responsible. But alas you shall worry no more. I will do what you want me to and start asking your permission or maybe I should have you set up an allowance for me.

I know this is going to probably just piss you off more but really I don't care. It is bullshit the way you acted when you got home and the way you treated me. Then you just go to sleep like nothing was done wrong or said wrong. Nice, really fucking nice. While I am just sitting here, venting, because I am so upset that I cannot even think about sleeping in the same bed as you. Love you too honey.

TTC

This is going to be really simple; TTC sucks! Why can't it be as easy for me as everyone else or how about instead of dumbass teenager being able to do it and not even want it, let someone who actually wants tc actually achieve it.

We Did It!!!

After all of the waiting and anticipation, it has finally happened. We as a country have decided to not let the color of one's skin be the one thing that stops them from being the leader of our nation. Obama is the prsident elect and change is definately on the way. Aren't you excited? I am. I am glad that one day I will be able to tell my grandchildren about how I was alive when the first African-American president was elected. I will be able to share his story and what he stood for.

Of course all last night we had customers bitching and moaning about Obama winning the election, but they weren't really bitching about the fact that they didn't agree with his views on certain things, no it was the fact that he was not white. It seems that some of us still have a long ways to go before we realize that the world is changing and it will do so with or without you.

The end is fastly approaching

It is now November. This year has past incredibly fast and what has been accomplished? I have completed a year of college, finally. Still working at Walmart even though I fear I am at my breaking point. I have had surgery to discover that I had a rare type of tumor and things had to be removed. That in its self is pretty scary, my chances of developing cancer have now increased, again. Some people have left my life and some have entered. I am grateful for these people in my life but saddened by the lose of the others. But I guess that is to be expected as one grows, right?

(Noticeably this post is just going to be a rambling of thoughts, ideas, and feelings so don't expect it to transition very well.)

I have caught myself, over the year,dwelling on things that are mostly negative, or at the very least, not healthy for me. I cannot seem to get past the fact that one day I will never again open my eyes and take in this world. I cannot accept the fact that I will not always live and experience the things I do everyday. That one day either ray or I will no longer be here nor will my parents. It scares me and once I get to thinking about I cannot stop even once I have reached the point of tears. This is torture, extreme, agonizing torture. But it is unavoidable so why dwell? I cannot seem to find the answer to that question. I think I need help cause if not I am afraid I might slip into a depressive state which would cause to me to loose precious moments of my life.

Along with thinking about perishing, there is the desire to have the people I have lost in my life again, and I don't mean those that have died. Almost every person that has been in my life at one point or another has made an impact and I wish that some could start being in my life again but I know that they aren't for a reason. But can I not have my cake and eat it too???

I think I am having a mid-life crisis, in a sense. All I want to do is live, forever, with all those that I love and cherish in my life. That isn't too much to ask, is it?