Trapped

I am really hoping that I will not stay trapped in this state of depression. It seems like I cannot stop thinking about it and even the bare mention of it brings me to the point of uncontrollable crying. I mean I finally got what I wanted and it was taken from me. Every cramp I feel just brings me back to the fact that I have lost my child, my first child. I know that it was only embryo to everyone else in the real world but to me it was my child. Now I am stuck here, all alone with the only thing to do being to think about it over and over again. So it seems that writing is helping soothe my soul and calm my heart.

I really am hoping and praying that when I go back into the world and start having human interaction again that everyone will already know about what happened and that no one will say a thing about it to me. Yea, I know these are high hopes because there is always at least one that thinks it is perfectly OK to ask such questions because they are curious and totally oblivious to the other persons feelings and emotional state. With that being said, I can say that my emotional state at the moment is teetering. I feel like at any moment I will just crack and break down into a million little pieces. I am just waiting for the right amount of pressure to come along.

I have lost interest in going to class and have not gone since last Thursday. I do not want to go to the family gathering that Ray's dad has every year on Derby. I just don't want to be around all of the family mostly because I feel like I have let them down. The other reason is because I don't want the attention to be on me or have everyone try to "cure" me. I don't want them giving me advice or asking me what happened. I don't want to have to give the minute by minute run threw from Sunday. I also don't want to feel like I am bringing what is usually a fun and happy day down to one that is dark and depressing because I am there. I can honestly say that I don't want to go because it will only depress me even more.

Hell, I don't even want to be around any of my friends and coworkers that are expecting because it is just a reminder of what I wasn't able to successfully do and what I can't have. I just want to stay at my house or maybe be somewhere alone with Ray and occasionally see Kim. That's it.

Ray keeps saying that eventually I will be able to get over this and move on but I am not sure. I am still a little depressed about my Grandma's death and that was 3 years ago. We'll see, we'll see

Vegas

"What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"
-Bullshit. That is what that is. Utter and total complete bullshit.
No one should ever really believe that if something happens in a city known for sin that it will not effect the real world. It does not matter where you commit your act of evil or weakness, it will follow you.

One should never believe they can run away from things. But people never learn, do they? No one can say they are innocent, because then they would be a liar. Even the bravest of us all can falter when it comes to facing our troubles.

So what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. That is until you leave

In The End

From the moment we take our first breath our very being is already degrading and disintegrating into vast nothingness. It is inevitable yet we all try to avoid it. We clamor for every little chance of postponing the inevitable.

Some are frozen in a cold and white sterile environment hoping to one day be thawed and given life anew. For this chance at longevity they cheated those who cared for them, the last few moments of their life.

Some have their true essence stored in case one day we cross into new horizons and become gods ourselves.

In the end we will learn that we cannot avoid or postpone what has to happen. We can only continue to do what we are doing in the manner that we want to do it.

That's it and that's all there will ever be.

Snobby Bitch

Who in the hell do you think you are?? You think you are better than everyone but in the end you aren't. You are right down here with the rest of us and doesn't that suck!! The world doesn't revolve around your selfish ass and the quicker you realize this the better off you will be. I cannot believe that you honestly think you can talk to anyone any way you feel like you can. Honestly I really do not care if you talk to me cause it is something stupid and you are being childish as much as you like to use the word. I wanted to go to the hospital or be seen by a doctor and you told me I was just exaggerating because I was scared. When in the hell did you become a fucking doctor you selfish bitch. so what if we would have arrived a few hours later at least I would have known what was going on considering my stats had spiked but you didn't care about that did you? I do not expect to have my ass kissed all the time but you do. i want you to know that I was more miserable on this trip than I have ever been in on any I have ever taken. thanks for helping ruin my anniversary. Next time I need help with that I will know where to turn

Here we are again

It is the same circle every month. I cycle through, start the pills for five more days, wait five, make "sandwiches" for five days, wait, wait some more, and then..... get disappointed. Repeat again and again. I am down to our last two tries and I am quite capable of saying that I am tired of the disappointments and the stress and being depressed about it. It just seems like the holy grail and I will never be good enough to obtain it. Face it, I am just not able to have what I want or to give you what you want.

For the past month I have been having dreams that seem so real to me. They are vivid and lifelike with every detail perfectly fashion to make it seem so damn believable! Then I wake up. When I finally realize that it was only a dream, I am hit with such a sadness and depression that I haven't really had before, with the exception of my grandmother. It is like I have lost this infant (or infants like it was today) and have to grieve or something. I really cannot explain it but only say that it hurts really bad and I wish I did not have to have such wonderful dreams when all they are, are mirages of what I want. It is like my subconscious is having fun just torturing me. Either way I am tired of the depression from all this. Just plain tired.

In the end

All the matters in the end is that I love you. Period. Doesn't mean that sometimes I don't hate you cause I do. You are the one person that can cause me to break down completely and lose myself in a pit of despair. You are also the one person that can raise me up from that pit and help me let the light in. I don't even know if you are aware of how much you can totally fuck up my emotional state. I am.

There is still so much to learn and you need to realize that. You can't always count on saying you love me and apologizing will fix what was broken. I don't even know if you understand how close you can to this being unfixable. I was sure I wasn't ever going to be able to forgive you and I haven't all the way. I was starting to think that this was the end, that we had gone too far. But some how you brought me back into the warmth of the love that I know you have for me.

I love it in the warmth of your love and never want to leave. Why would you ever want to evict me from this place?