Life is so short as I was shown recently in the past week
Things seem to change and some just cease to exists
It isn't until this things disappear that I realize how much it affects me and my life
Even from losing an associate to losing a friendship.
It makes you think about your life and if you are really making the best of it
I thought I was until I realized that I wasn't living it to it's fullest potential
So I have decided to make some changes with my life and how i live it
Some of the changes i plan on making I should have made a long time ago and some are just recent realizations that I have had. I am scared of change but I also know that change is needed
I may lose some friends and relationships along the way but in the end what I will gain will make up for it. I have to stop living in the past and start moving towards the future. That can only happen if I live for the moment and make decisions that will have a positive affect on my future. Life is too short for me to do the things I use to in the past and I want my life to mean something to someone. And that someone has to be me before it can be anyone else. If I have made my relationships with certain people as strong as I think I have then they should survive but I know in my heart that some will fail me because I have failed them. Those that survive will be the ones that help me with my long term goal and those are the only ones i need,
because i will never know when my life will come to it's abrupt end.

what happens when we run out of things to talk about?

i am ready to say how i really feel so are you ready to listen?
Are you ready to deal with the drama and issues i have?
Can you handle me and the way I am?
How much do you really know about me and the type of person i am?
well you be there to catch me when i fall?
or be the support i need cause i will really it in the end
Can you be patient with me cause it will take time
I know what i want
Are you sure that you will be ready and that you will still want it

So it is like five in the mornin and I can't sleep. So I decided to make a post since haven't done it in a while. so here goes
Why is it that when you need help the most all of a sudden no one is there to help you. I mean i thought friends were suppose to help out. I know that some decisions I have to make on my own or visa versa with everyone else but when you ask for help i mean someone should help if they can. I mean they could do anything from being a shoulder to lean on or just give advice.

Pushing me further and further away
Not even noticing the distance that is growing
but is it the distant that is non existing to you or is it me?]
I loved you and still love you
I cared for you and would have done anything for you
But did you ever feel the same bout me?
You say that you do/did
but it is hard to believe.
Why should I believe you when you haven't even been honest with yourself>
one day I may believe you and let you back in
But that is far off in the distant future.
Show me that I am important to you
THat I actually mean something to you
Then maybe we can go from there
But 0nly until you can be honest to yourself
I am gone, Giving up some may call it
But either way it is safe for me and my feelings this way
So it is up to you

All That I'm Living For
(song lyrics---Amy Lee)

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night

I can feel the night beginning
separate me from the living
understand me
after all I've seen
piecing every thought together
find the words to make me better
if I only knew how to pull myself apart

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night
all that I'm wanted for
althought I wanted more
lock the last open door
my ghosts are gaining on me

I believe that dreams are sacred
take my darkest fears and play them
like a lullaby
like a reason why
like a play of my obsessions
make me understand the lesson
so I'll find myself
so I won't be lost again

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night
all that I'm wanted for
although I wanted more
lock the last open door
my ghost are gaining on me

Guess I thought I'd have to change the world
to make you see me
to be the one
I could have run forever
but how far would I have come
without mourning your love?

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night
all that I'm wanted for
althought I wanted more
lock the last open door
my ghosts are gaining on me

should it hurt to love you?
should I feel like I do?
should I lock the last open door
my ghosts are gaining on me....

It is funny how much can be changed within a person
A person can change their hair, weight, eye color, and even their sexual orientation
But the only thing that cannot be change is who that person is deep down inside.
So why do why try so hard to do such an impossible deed?
What is the goal that will be received if we were ever able to accomplish changing our true selves?
The way I see it is this is like this,
Even if we were able to change our true selves into something that we thought we should be is it really worth it in the end?
You have to stop and think about why you are wanting to change or why you should have to change
No one should have to change for someone that they love or want to be with because then it wouldn't be true,
So really you can only be true to yourself and accept who you are deep down.

What happened to us?
We used to be really close friends
But now I only get the feeling that you couldn't care if I was around
Losing you as a friend is a nightmare that I do not want to face
You said that you would never push me a way well it seems like you are now
What could I have done to make you put the walls up and the mask back on?
I thought we could talk about things but whenever I try it just seems like I am bothering you
It hurts me all these thoughts that I really don't know are true.
I could just be extremely paranoid or they could be true and you just won't tell me
I don't want to stop being your friend and I don't want to stop caring about you
If you had only given me a honest straightforward answer where you did not change your mind
Maybe I would have known what to do
But don't punish me because I am or was unsure of what to do because I was getting mixed ideas from you
I am sorry that you waited a year, I never knew
I am sorry if I caused you confusion, it was never my intention
I am sorry if I have caused you pain, cause it is something i never wanted to do
So I only ask that we can atleast be friends again like you said
I want to help you when you have questions, need advice or whatever like before
I know it cannot be exactly like before but it could be close
I won't bother you anymore about what started this unless you want to talk to me about it
I promise!
I just want my friend back
Please forgive me.....

Good Enough---Amy Lee

Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly
now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drunk up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
and I've completely lost myself
and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you
conquer me completely
now I can't let go of this dream
can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
its been such a long time coming,
but I feel good

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
pour real life down on me
cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough
am I good enough
for you to love me too!

So take care what you ask of me,
cause I can't say no

So I am trying to make changes on here and I am not doing to well I think. So I guess I am going to have to beg for help!!!! Suggestions? Anyone?

My heart broke a little today when you told me the news
I couldn't believe it and probably still don't
I know you have been talking about it and telling me that you were going to
But part of me thought that you would never go through with it
I guess I was wrong and so now I will have to adjust
Adjust to not being about to talk to you whenever I feel like
Or not being about to come over and just shoot the breeze
Constant worry is going to set in whenever you make this venture
Worrying whether or not you are surviving, safe or warm
You never think about how much you will miss someone until they are gone
That is all I have been thinking about tonight
I just hope that you will keep in touch like you said you will
I hope that you won't forget the ones that are here waiting for you
Remember that you will always have a friend in me
When you need my help I will be here or even when you just need to vent
In a way I think you were right about soul mates

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!


So a new year has come, what to do this year? To everyone that might read this hope you have a great new year and that you accomplish everything that you want to. That is all I am writing tonight because the rest would just be a drunken rant that made no sense!

It has been a year since I started this blog and I still have some of the old post on here.
I guess you would say that I wasn't committed to this blog and I guess that you would be right.
But as I was thinking about my old posts I started thinking about what I had accomplished and what I had lost this year. Needless to say I think I started the year off better than I am ending it.
All the friendships that I thought I had have totally flown out the window and I still only have that one friend I have had since freshman year and the newest one that I made in 2004 at work. But I guess that just shows i am not worried about how many friends I have. The way I see it I can have all the hugest number of friends but how of them would actually be a true friend? I mean I rather have two or three true to life friends then like twenty fake ones. It takes a lot to be my friend I think. I expect support in a hard situation or a shoulder to cry on. I expect my friends to tell me when I am heading down a dark path. I expect my friends to rely on me and call me when they need a shoulder to cry on. I expect my friends to understand and accept the hard hurtful truth from me when I am trying to help them. So yea I guess I expected too much out of the other friendships I had in the beginning but only the strongest survive so I think I beat the house in the end.

I wish that people would just get over themselves.
I wish that we as humans could learn to love and live together with everyone.
I wish that everyone could be accepted for who they are and not seen as a "sickness"

I thought we were the loving and caring species?
I mean if that were true then why are there hate crimes?
Why are there murders? rapes? kidnappings?
Is the human race just totally uncappable of love and acceptance?

Why should some of my friends have to be afraid of being themselves?
Afraid that if their true self were seen they would be ridiculed and singled out.
Afraid that if they showed their true self certain rights would be withheld from them.
Doesn't this kind of behavior prove that some classes of people aren't even seen as people or even treated the same as others?


I just want to know what the world has come to
I just want to know why I should raise a child in a world like ours
Where so many are hurt because others are afraid.

Ok so I haven't been so faithful to my blog. I promise this time things will be different,i have my internet and computer back so hey I can access this all the time. Can you forgive? Well if you don't I really don't care because once again this site isn't for your sake it is for mine!!
Some words of advice. If you are going to make comments to people that are totally disrespectful and racist in nature don't get pissed when that person starts going off. Common sense right? Right! I mean why are you going to get pissed when you are the one that made the stupid ass comments in the first place? Just thought I would throw that out there.
So Christmas is upon us. One more week and the hype will be all over. My only gripe about Christmas is this. I am not a really religous person by far. I mean I have my beliefs, but the meaning of Christmas is no longer the meaning that it was suppose to be. Feel me?! Christmas was suppose to be the celebration of Christ's birth but it isn't any more. Now it is all about buying buying and spending spending. Gotta have a PS3 or a ninendo wii, or whatever the hot items are. I think that everyone(who believes in the birth of Christ) should stop and think really long and hard about how they are celebrating the holiday. Pay attention to yourselves and see if you have lost the meaning of Christmas some where in the hustle and bustle. If you have maybe you should take the time to celebrate and remember what it is all about.
One last thing. I work for wal-Mart and contrary to popular belief I will be saying Merry Christmas, I always have. My outlook is this if you do not celebrate Christmas because of your religion or what not then politely inform the cashier that you don't or something other that getting offended. We do not know your religion or background and will not get upset if your were to correct us. Well Merry Christmas everyone.

So I have been slacking for a while but who cares considering the fact that you are the only one that reads this(Chris)!! I have been having a lot going on but nothing to really write about. I have some words of advice though. Don't get drunk and expect not to do something stupid or really really bad...... Don't become gay lesbian bi whatever just because you want to be liked by someone you know that is. And last but not least be true to yourself about what you really want in life and every aspect of it.

So tomorrow is July 7th huh? Well that is going to be one depressing day. Tomorrow is my Grandmas birthday and for those of you who don't know she pasted away on April 21. I want everyone of you who says that the pain will get better or that it will go away to stop telling bullshit lies! This pain will never go away although it may lessen ( I highly doubt that too) I was way too damn close to her for it to just go away. Every damn day I think about her and every day i start thinking that I am really deeply depressed. Although the world may not see me that way believe me when I say I am. This pain reaches to the bottom of my soul and I think that it is starting to pull me down with it. I will not and still do not accept the fact that she is really gone. She will be there in her gown on her bed in her trailer when I go over to visit her.... But who and the hell am I kidding the only one over there is my drunk ass uncle who stole from her and lied to her and used her to get his next fixed. The money came from kentucky from her retirement. she had no Life insurance so this 5000 is all that the family is going to get. Her funeral hasn't even been paid for yet because we have been waiting on this check, meaning my mom and I, but there is a catch--- it is going to the stupid, jobless drunkards! So my mother who was also one of my grandma's children will probably never see this money that was previous agreed to go towards the cost of the funeral. So it looks like my mother will get stuck with paying this and never see it or get help from my grandma's other to children.
So everyday I am reminded of my Grandmother and everyday the pain only gets stronger not weaker. So all fo you giving the false sense of hope GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! Cause i don't need anymore shit than I already have.

so who can say that I have been slacking just a little? Yea I know you can Chris but anyways. So here is a long overdue post. But it isn't going to be much of run cause I have to run. I have a certain friend that seems to be afraid to take this little bitty ol test because he nevers seems to "remember" take it or he doesn't have the time. Really he is just avoiding it!!! But anyways. My life is getting better i think since a drunk night which involved a drunk talk of true thoughts. damn liquid courage!! Also this is to someone who reads this and you know who you are. I honestly cannot believe that you thought I was leaving that stuff on your blog! I would never say or do some shit like that nor would I try to mess up something that you have with him. That is just really stupid. I really don't understand how you came to the conclusion that it was me although I know that you don't anymore or atleast i hope you know. But that is it for now kiddies until we me again....

OK so this is for all the shit I have been getting over my posts. Let me make this clearer for you guys! What I post isn't always my own thoughts or feelings sometimes not even my own words. But some of the one's that are my own words may not be true to anything in my life, just wrote it cause I liked that way it sounded. So once again I am not going to defend what is on here nor am I going to try to make you believe me. I will, however, refer you to look at the profile underneath my tag board if you need it to be explained even better. If that doesn't work and you just can't seem to get it, I suggest this; DON'T READ MY FUCKING BLOG!!!!! THIS IS MY WORK OR STUFF THAT INTERESTS ME NOT YOU. There doesn't have to be a meaning to anything I write or post so if I say there isn't one then THERE ISN'T ONE!!!! Got it? Well i fucking hope so!!!

So I was on vacation for the last week. I went down to atlanta and seen my cousin. They seriously don't know how to drive! Other than that nothing has really been going on. I really don't want to go back to work.... Oh and Chris won't help me change my blog cause he is a loser. THat is all for now, I will write more when i have time tonight