The end is fastly approaching

It is now November. This year has past incredibly fast and what has been accomplished? I have completed a year of college, finally. Still working at Walmart even though I fear I am at my breaking point. I have had surgery to discover that I had a rare type of tumor and things had to be removed. That in its self is pretty scary, my chances of developing cancer have now increased, again. Some people have left my life and some have entered. I am grateful for these people in my life but saddened by the lose of the others. But I guess that is to be expected as one grows, right?

(Noticeably this post is just going to be a rambling of thoughts, ideas, and feelings so don't expect it to transition very well.)

I have caught myself, over the year,dwelling on things that are mostly negative, or at the very least, not healthy for me. I cannot seem to get past the fact that one day I will never again open my eyes and take in this world. I cannot accept the fact that I will not always live and experience the things I do everyday. That one day either ray or I will no longer be here nor will my parents. It scares me and once I get to thinking about I cannot stop even once I have reached the point of tears. This is torture, extreme, agonizing torture. But it is unavoidable so why dwell? I cannot seem to find the answer to that question. I think I need help cause if not I am afraid I might slip into a depressive state which would cause to me to loose precious moments of my life.

Along with thinking about perishing, there is the desire to have the people I have lost in my life again, and I don't mean those that have died. Almost every person that has been in my life at one point or another has made an impact and I wish that some could start being in my life again but I know that they aren't for a reason. But can I not have my cake and eat it too???

I think I am having a mid-life crisis, in a sense. All I want to do is live, forever, with all those that I love and cherish in my life. That isn't too much to ask, is it?

As the sun sets...

Light dances across the sky as the sun sinks behind the wooded landscape. The vibrant colors blend together into a picture of abstract art. As I sit here, watching the sun performing its graceful exit I think of you.

What are you doing at this moment?
Are you thinking of me?
Do you still have the same feelings for me?

Questions that are crashing around in my head, taking up much needed space, but I can not clear them. These consequences are what I have to face for having the feelings that I have for you. Feelings that you can truly never understand, but you try.

A million emotions flow through my body when I think about you and I could not even begin to describe them. All that really matters is that they are there. Most are wanted but a tiny few I could live without. Like apprenshion, doubt, fear but they are apart of the package.

As the darkness creeps in through the emptiness left by the sun, I come to my usual conclusion; if it was meant to be then what happens will also be meant to be. I plan on enjoying every minute of your company that I can.

I love you...

love lost

Lonely, that's how it feels.
Left behind, is what it is
Forgotten, maybe
Un-needed,probably

Just some of the thoughts that enter my mind when I start to think about our withering friendship. I really think that the way I saw our friendship was not the way you may have perceived it to be. I give my all to what little friends I choose to have because it is quality, not quantity, that matters to me. I think you may think otherwise

Message after message goes unanswered. If it wasn't for the fact that I can tell when you read any of my messages, I would not even know if you were still alive.
There are feelings involved that you will never know. You are more than a friend to me and that is what hurts the most.

I should not worry though, I know that when you need something from me you will contact me. But this time I will not be there.

Happiness Squandered

Sitting here, gazing off into my own little world, I sit and think about the things we do as people. We seem to live off of drama, tension, and any other dark, depressing feeling that is in the every day world. It seems impossible for us to use the light or uplifting events/feelings to sustain us. Why is that we just throw away any chance at happiness or living a almost decent life?

We don't have to always look at the ugly parts of life or the world. Hell, it would be a better place if we could all look for that silver lining. Think about. Would you rather dwell on all the happiness and good about your life or just live in that dreary ass darkness that is in every one's life?

Me, personally, would rather enjoy the warmth of the light. Yes, it might actually be like work but the end result would so be worth it. So that is what my mission for life is going to start being. To live positively and enjoy the warmth. Hopefully I will see you there.

Are we ready?

Nervously, I sit here pondering what is to come in the next two months of our lives. I am excited at the possibility of being able to have what we have so desperately wanted but I can not help but be a little bit apprehensive. Maybe it is just the normal jitters that can happen.

Are we ready for this? I mean have you really sat down and thought about how our lives will changed forever? It isn't that I don't want this, because I do, I just want to make sure that we are ready and you understand what it is that you are wanting to get into.

I say fuck being ready cause there is no such thing. We could never truly be prepared for such a step so lets just do it without looking back. As long as we know our love for each other is true and will always be there we will survive.

I love you baby and I am ready...

My hand begins to fall

A person can only hold their hand outstretched for so long before it starts to fall. Ours has already started to wilt and I do not think I am going to raise it again once it falls.

If it ain't one thing it is another

I am really getting tired of constantly being ill or injured. I am aware that I am partly to blame for this beacuse I am overweight. I mean I am still sore from my surgery which I found out when I went back to work and discovered that I was far from being 100%. Now I think an injury that happened a month ago at the bowling alley has turned into a real issue. I can barely walk today and the pain of standing up is just killing me. I do not want to get it looked at for fear of what they will tell me especially about missing more work. I know my job has to be getting fed up with this shit even though there is nothing they can do about it. Damn!! I wish I could just have a carefree week.

Selective Vision

We see them everyday, those who only see what they want to see. Hell, it is good chance that we are one of them. What they see can range anywhere from what they think they look like physically to who they are mentally. What it boils down to is that we are selective as humans to what we want to see about ourselves. If we don't want to see that we are beautiful then we can just see ourselves as the ugliest person in the world. It would be impossible to prove otherwise until that person is ready to see the truth. Until that moment, this person will only see what they want to see. Quite frankly it can totally piss off the the person who is trying to convince them otherwise or even cause them to give up completely.

I mean honestly, just think about trying to physically move a brick wall. That is what I think it would be like when it comes to trying to talk sense or reason into people who choose to have selective vision. It is quite frustrating and pushes you to the point of just wanting to say "fuck it" Believe me I have been there and have the shirt to prove it.

Now I am not saying that I am above this and have never been victim of this disease because I will be the first to admit that I have. What I am trying to express is that people need to open their eyes to the whole truth that things may or may not be as bad as they seem or that they are possibly just as much as fault as they may blame others to be.

Rock and a hard place

I do not want to be put in the middle but I feel that I should know both sides of the story because there are always two sides of a story. (and there is always stuff that is left out or exaggerated)

Don't worry about me, I plan to stay out of it unless a comment is made that offends me or mine. Yes, I took our once mutual friend in because I am not heartless enough to let someone sleep in their car with nowhere to go when I have a perfectly good spare room.

The only comment I will make is that I think what you all did yesterday was spiteful and childish (food). I really thought that you all were atleast better than that. I really hope our friendship is not affected by this because I fear that it will be.

Post-Op update

So yea, surgery went fine but I had to be thoroughly drugged before I went into anesthesia (Valium is my new friend!). my doctor had to remove what was found out to be a tumor and couple other things. Let's just say that I am now half a woman. I am still out of work for another week which means I am just sitting at home, bored out of my mind!! The when I woke up in recovery, I reevaluated things in my life and my attitude towards them. It is amazing how much surgery can change things. I woke up thinking about the relationships that I currently have and how involved I have or haven't been. The reason for all of this thinking is because my main worry before my surgery was that I would not wake from anesthesia. So when I woke, i vowed that I was going to strive to get the most out of my relationships and make each moment count.

I have being trying to reconnect and spend time with those that I feel are important in my life, but a certain individual is making it really difficult. (pretty sure that you know who you are) I cherish my friendships and only want them to grow with me as I grow.

Update

Yea there has been a lot going on in my life recently. I have been in and out of my doctor's office over the possibility of having a child some day. During all of this a mass the size of a tennis ball has been discovered and it is unknown at what it actually is. SO I do know that it would be really rare that it was cancer because I was screened for that, but it could be fibroid or endometryosis. So I am suppose to be going on vacation starting this Saturday and I was going to enjoy it. Well now it seems that I will be have surgery on the last day of my vacation. Then there is a chance that I may have to have a csection instead of the simple procedure. I am scared to death of being put to sleep or under any type of anesthesia. heaven help me!

More to life than money

Last night was pretty much the last straw for me at work. I almost walked out and told my MNGR that I was done. If things don't change then I really will be done. I have been having a real hard time making myself go to work. Between having another CSM that I have to watch what I say around cause she is too busy kissing ass and trying to make herself look good and having a manager that thinks it is ok to let her little posse get a way with everything they want and still treat me with disrespect. Markm being the good manager that he is, pulled me to the side and asked if everything was alright. So that turned into a 20 minute conversation with him telling me to take Frid and Saturday off so I can have a four day span of being off before I snap. Well that is great and I think I really need to do it.

well if you all know me personally you know that Ray (husband) works with me. So I went over to his department and proceeded to tell him what was going on. Instead of him saying something supportive he pops off about how maybe he should go and say he is too stressed just to get a few extra days off. Than starts talking about how I will be causing us to loose money. Well I am sorry but somethings are a little more than money. Plus if work keeps going the way it is, I will be causing us to loose a lot of money cause I will quit.

But anyways, I tell him to screw himself and walk off. Not really talk to him much the rest of the night until we are on our way to school. I decided to tell him what was going on to cause me to want to pull my hair out or better yer bay's and Amy's. Once again never really asked me about it. Then he starts talking about how I will be causing us to be short 200 dollars (again) and how he guesses that we can wait a month to get the cable back on. OOO you should have been there just so you could hear the way he said it. Like he was trying to make me feel guilty about not being at work. It is fucking amazing how someone who is suppose to be in your life and care about you can turn around and start going off and worry only about the money part when you are talking about missing work. I mean, yea maybe I should have expected this since it is an argument any other time I miss work and he has to go to work. But still thought that since I was talking about walking off myjob right at that point that maybe he would be a little understanding. Well apparently not.

So now I am going to have to go to work Fri and sat since I don't have his approval because I don't feel like arguing with him about me having a weekend of. This is so fucking stupid. I still don't see how money is everything and why I should wear myself down to the ground trying to make sure I get the most that I can possible everyday. Not like I am talking about only working 3 days a week from now on. Just talking about this weekend so hopefully I can make it till my vacation

Everyone Deserves a Chance to Love, Support Gay Marriage

Do you want to live in a country that legalizes discrimination? Despite the recent California Supreme Court decision that denying same-sex couples the right to marry is unconstitutional, efforts are underway throughout the country to take away rights from same-sex couples.

I just joined thousands of others in showing my support for marriage equality for all. But recently, proponents of bigotry and hate collected even more signatures in an attempt to invalidate the California Supreme Court decision. And they won’t stop with California - extremists are even trying to add a ban of marriage for same-sex couples to the U.S. Constitution.

We are at a turning point in our nation’s history and I’m hoping you’ll join me in standing up against discrimination. Please sign the Million for Marriage petition and get us one name closer to showing that Americans overwhelmingly support marriage equality!

www.MillionForMarriage.org

Every committed couple deserves to enjoy the privileges and responsibilities conferred by marriage. Add your name to the petition and be a part of the movement to fight for marriage equality for all.

Thank you!

Glance In A Mirror

It really amazes me the way people act and perceive themselves. Thinking that you are soo much better than everyone else just because your family may have money. But see the thing is you that you need to look in a mirror.

Everytime I see you, you are degrading someone either cause of their race or because they aren't your parents. You are disrespectful and just plain lazy. You are just a blackhole that sucks the life out of everything. Your true colors are showing and I have never seen them so vibrant. Between breaking and entering, constantly calling my best friends 16 year old brother a "faggot" everytime you talk to him all because he happens to be a gay male. I mean come on you are a lesbian yourself and should see how there is already enough hate towards the GLBT community, we dont' need anymore from some who is a part of it.

But I am through with you and I have given you my warning. The only advice I have to you is this, sit back and glance in the mirror at yourself. You don't even have your own roof over your head. I think it is for the best that you move your ass to Texas

Lordy Lordy

Wow I cannot believe that it has almost been a month since I have posted on here. Guess that's what happens when you don't have access to a computer at home or anywher but school anyways. I checked my myspace and my insight email and they are both blown up. not sure that I even want to to attempt to go through all 600 email from insight, probably spam anyways. But neoways, since I am off summer break from school , I will be on here more reguarly, although I don't even really know what I am making it a point to mention this when I don't have like a hundred readers. hell i am lucky to have like 10

A request

There is a website that I wish everyone could visit. I have not asked permission to list it but it is in my links and he can just get over it!!!! ;) but anyways this site is written and designed by a passionate writer and a great voice for the GLBT community. He writes from his soul and does so without a care as to what others think. He has asked for some stories and experiences from the GLBT community and I want to help get it out there. The site is www.morethangay.com and I just ask that you stop and take a look.

Like a gentle breeze

These are the moments that I wish could last forever. Just laying there in your arms and feeling your warmth. It soothes me like a gentle breeze. It is funny to think that a person can just feel love flowing from another person but it is possible.

I cherish these moments. But it saddens me to think that one day it may just end. We all have to face the inevitable. For now I guess I can just live in these moments and enjoy them while I can.

I love you, then now and forever.

Childish, maybe

It may seem childish or it may seem silly but I it was the only thing that I could think to do to make you understand part of what I felt. Actually I really didn't plan anything at all just fell asleep after being up all day but still I seemed to "forget" to set my alarm or turn my ringer back on. So sub-consciously maybe it wasn't so accidental. Hell I don't even know. All I know now is that I feel maybe you think it was or something cause I haven't been able to get you to respond to me or even talk since. Shall I start from the beginning?

See there was this day that Ashley and I was going to see you and spend some much needed time with you but it didn't happen. I know that i told you it was alright but it really it wasn't. The reason I was hurt. But who am I to tell you no? I mean If I had then I wouldn't have felt right when we would have came over cause the whole time I would felt like unwanted guests. I just think that it was wrong to set a "date" with us considering we haven't seen each other in a long time and then essentially blow it off. I mean I know that you didn't really blow it off per se but still just felt like it. It was like I/We weren't as important as this new person. Just the way I felt but did not tell you for the reason I explained before.

Now I know this doesn't justify anything and like I said my actions and thoughts were probably childish. But it has been bothering me ever since. Then I seen you the other day but I couldn't say anything when you past cause my attention had to be else where. Just really hope that you aren't thinking I am trying to blow you off.

I tried getting a hold of you this past week but nothing, nada. Well then I decided to make a trip on the Internet and see what currently has your passion. I read the last post and even though I am not 100% sure it was even about me, it got me thinking that i needed to explain current actions and offer some sort of apology.

An apology for letting parts of our friendship slip away even though it was never my intention. For acting childish when you had better things to do with your time than to pacify me. Apologize for acting with jealousy and part fear. I have been recently thinking that I have no clue what is going on in your life and haven't since I left so how could I possibly be involved now? So I am willing to admit that yes, I have dropped the ball. Maybe it is too late for me to start taking part responsibility for this but feel part now that I am.

I have always wanted to be a part of your life just now I am not sure that I am even wanted there.

So it would seem that Obama has won the Democratic ticket but he did not win the popular vote. I am kinda saddened that alot of Americans could not rise above voting for a woman. I really hope that Clinton runs on his ticket cause she has a lot to offer and it isn't over

The Cost of Living

Every where I turn it seems that the cost of something is going up. Currently gas prices are outrageous. It cost me 60 dollars to fill up my car! I only work at walmart and considering that I have to travel back and forth from fern valley rd and work everyday i am having to decide what I can go without just to get gas. Then they are talking on the news about TARC raising their fares. Well I guess we all knew that was coming since diesel cost more than gas but it is still cheaper than getting gas. Well I received a letter in the mail yesterday telling me that my tuition is going up to almost 400 dollars more a quarter, My current student loans barely cover my tuiton now and I can forget about it covering any other school related expenses.

Now since everything seems to be going up why can't we get a cost of living raise? Seriously! How can the government or businesses expected us to pay all these increases when we aren't getting an adjustment to our pay? I shouldn't have to choose between food or gas or school for that matter. It just feels like everyday we are struggling just to survive.

What is wrong with our country?