Can't wait

I haven't been able to give the amount of time and attention that I have wanted to to my blog here recently. Between the constant business at work with the Christmas drawing to a close and school I have barely had time to enjoy any type of relaxation. I simply cannot wait until December 26 when Christmas has past. I know that I still have to get through about two weeks of returns but I will take that any day compared to the constant rush at work and not being able to complete everything that I need to get done at night. I am constantly stressed while I am at work and when I come home. I am shocked that it didn't effect my school work ( I got the highest grade in my last class) but it is effecting me every where else. Maybe I used school as my time to relax. I don't know. All I know is that when the storm finally calms down I will be a happier person. What I really don't understand about the Christmas season is why people wait till the last minute to buy every single gift that they have to. It isn't like Christmas sneaks up on us every year. We all know that it is December 25 so why the procrastination? I mean i know that it will always be this way but it freaking kills me when I see the swarm of people at work that I see every year. Another thing that gets me is when people start gripping about having to wait in line at work. Once again this is nothing new when it comes down to the final hours before Christmas. I thought Christmas was suppose to be a joyous time of year full of celebration and kindness. Well you can't tell that with the way some of these people act. I have never been treated so much like shit as I am during Christmas. It seems that people just turn asshole mode after Thanksgiving. But I am use to it for the most part cause that is what my job entails. But still doesn't mean that I can't wait for it to be over

Flaws

Everyone has flaws or something that they don't like about themselves. No one has the right to belittle or degrade some especially when they are no different than those they are degrading. What happened to having some respect for people? I am so tired of people making me feel worthless, disgusting, just plain hurt because they want to point out my obvious flaws. Like I don't know that I am overweight, have psoriasis, and unwilling to stand up for myself forsake of confrontation or being disrespectful to them. I don't even know why I worry about disrespectful to those that like to poke fun at me when it is obvious that they have no respect for me. It may seem that when I hear about fellow associates talking about me and getting off my "fat ass" to do some work for a change doesn't bother me but truly it does I just choose to not show it. I have been made fun of all my life because of one thing or another especially because I don't fit into the norm of body styles so I just act like I no longer feel the pain. Well the pain is still there and when I am alone I will break down. But more importantly the reason that I am as upset as I am now is because this was said at work in front of my coworkers because I asked an associate to do their job. Granted I was not in the room and I know that when this person sees me again they will act like they never said anything but I cannot stand a two-faced person. IF you are going to say something about then have the fucking balls to say it to my face. Then when I got to use open door I am told to not worry about by one manager and the other told me to say something to their assistant manager. Well their assistant manager is as about worthless as a holey umbrella. So here I am stuck with letting these people get away with the degrading and belittling of myself with nothing to do about it. I am just tired of people doing this to me but there is nothing I can really do except cry.

ANyways

Back to cheerful things and nothing to do with blog wars.





I casually glance in your direction just in time to see you smile.
How it warms my heart and brightens my day
Every time I look into your caring brown eyes I ask myself how and why.
Why are things the way they are and how, well how is for me to know
I make sure to stop myself from taken our time together for granted
But I know I am guilty sometime or another.

I love being around you and cannot stand it when you leave.
From the moment that you have left my side, I just relive our last moments together.
Hoping that I will never have to see you only in memory.

HURT

It appears that another of my post have created controversy and words to be said that we unkind to say the least. To call yourself my friend and then not understand what I write about or why I write is a sort of contradiction. I never personally attacked you( and you know who you are). but you took it that way. Wait, why am I writing anything to you when you aren't even probably going to read this anymore? Anyways
Like I was saying. When I write what I write I am not trying to offend or hurt anyone especially those that I thought were close to me. I also use discretion when addressing certain matters because somethings shouldn't be addressed over a blog but maybe more in an email or in person. I should understand, I guess, that others will not have the same discretion that I have but it still pisses me off.
Back to being hurt, which guess implies that I am back to being a "victim". If this is what you want to say I am doing then fine. There is nothing that I can do to change your fucking mind. For those of you that do not know what the hell I am talking about then let me explain my side and the reason I am a so called "victim".
Because I choose to write and vent on here some of my writing seems to give off the impression to certain parties that I am just trying to play the victim. Well I am not and have better things to do with my time. Well that is not a very good explanation but the best i can give under these circumstances.
Why am I hurt? Hm..... well lets see. To hear, rather read, the words that I read with the tone that they portrayed from someone that I thought was my friend just totally took me for a loop. I don't think I have ever been so stunned in my entire life. To see that the one I used to talk to about everything and vice versa just unleash what appears to be built up something, just crushed me and brought me to the point of tears. Now I am stuck with the possibility that the one I thought was the real them was just a front. A lying front masquerading around as the true authentic them. I know that they had walls and barriers the have up for protection but i Thought i was passed a few of them and seen a glimpse of the real them. Well i was wrong
Here i thought that i would have a person i could confide in and be a friend like I knew he could be. Wait yea i should have known better. But there is nothing left for me to do but just try to pick up the pieces... (Yea I know, back to playing my role of victim)

Trapped

Kinda of ridiculous that I am trapped within four white little walls. I cannot venture out of my room for fear of rising that heinous....well anyways that would have been rude of me to say. If there was anyway that could have been out of here yesterday, believe me i would have. Heaven forbid that we venture out of our room into a living area to use the phone for 30 minutes. Yes, I heard that bitching from her yesterday while I was trying to sleep. Ain't that something, hypocrites that is. Except the only difference is that my door was actually closed. I am so tired of feeling trapped that i am tempted to go and stay in my car til payday and then rent a fucking hotel room for two weeks. All because some woman who won't even grow up thinks that she runs this damn house and we should stay in our room like caged animals. Well we are not caged animals and had it not been for the respect that i have for my friend, I would have came out of my room and asked her what her fucking problem is. This is it! I have had the last straw and the fact that it is allowed to continue,wow anyways. I am not even sure that when i do get to move from this hell hole that I will ever come back/

Birthday

So my birthday has come and gone. I really don't have anything to show for it except my card from ray, the necklace he made me and the time he spent with me(well i can't actually show that) Anyways, as i sit here and think back on this I notice one common denominator; Ray. He was here with me all weekend and spent my birthday with me. He went out of his way to make sure that I had a great one even if he didn't have the money to get me what he wanted. What he will never know or understand is that I am so grateful for it and what he did was the best thing I have ever received. I have come to expect that no one except him and my family will acknowledge the day that I was born so I never get my hopes up. Ray has never let me down either. I don't want gifts or materialistic things, just to spend time with those who are important to me on my birthday. Also this birthday I realized that the ones who had time to stop and say even just hello and happy b-day are the ones I need in my life. I am obviously important enough to them to remember my birthday. I know this probably sounds silly and childish but no one can possibly understand how much it means to me when those that are in my life simply say "happy Birthday" even still that doesn't make much sense but that is the best I can explain it. So once again thank you Ray for the best weekend of my life, including Monday night!!!

rsponse to last post

just to let all those that might actually be interested, I did finally make it home after six hours of trying to get a hold of my idiot. Still pissed though

Fuckin Hate You

I hate the fact that I have been waiting for five fucking hours for you to pick me up. But I can't even get you to pick up the fucking phone. This is the same ol bullshit well maybe not the same. It is actually worse. I failed my fucking test because of you had to take a TAXI to school when I have a fucking car. This is bullshit. I shouldn't have to sit here, cry and wait because I am not important enough for you to even wake the fuck up. But I guess this is all my fault and I really don't have a reason to be pissed. Well guess what you are wrong.
O and then when I think I have friends that would help me whenever i needed I just learn the hard way that it is just a bunch of fucking lies. (Not just you either)

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO CALL YOU GUYS BEFORE YOU REALIZE THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG??????

Yea i guess that would be my fault again because I should have my mom's new phone number memorized or realize that people have to sleep so they can go to work, wait work what in the hell is that? Yea I may just be being a fucking bitch right now but you sit here and cry and wait and cry some more because the one that is suppose to love you more that anything else in this word can't set a fucking alarm or wake the fuck up when the phone rings. Then you turn to your "friends" and they are now where to be found.

"Body of a 23 year old woman found on fern valley rd yesterday..." Yup that is what my caption will say when i have to start fucking walking cause I can't even catch the damn bus.

God I fucking hate you right now.

free pizza

so I was checking my email from school and noticed an email from papa johns. The subject was "free pizza" so naturally I clicked it so I could read it. It said that they were giving me a free two topping large because they thought I didn't get the service I deserved the last time I ordered pizza. I printed out the little voucher but just kept thinking there had to be a catch. I did not complain the last time I ordered pizza from Papa John's so why the coupon? So obviously there must be fine print that I wasn't reading correctly. When I got out of school I stopped at my local pizza parlor and took my voucher inside, still telling myself that I would probably have to buy a pizza. So here I am broke with a "free" pizza voucher in my local parlor getting ready to made a fool of. I walked to the counter and handed the lady my voucher. Bracing myself I asked what the catch was. Oh here it comes...."there isn't one, you just get a free pizza" doesn't sound like"you have to buy a large two topping". Right before I told the lady that i knew it all along i thought about what I had just heard. Wow I really did get a free pizza! I ordered it and did receive it. There is nothing like free pizza when you are broke and hungry, best tasting thing in the world!

The words that bind can be so easy unravelled by the slightest wavering of ones faith. Faith in any part of the commitment or bond between two people be it friendship, love, marriage. When one part of that bond starts to doubt, it causes an uneasiness. Uneasiness and doubt can create damage that is irreversible and painful to all that involved. In order to prevent one from doubting, they should just have faith in the strength of the bonds they have created not worry if they are going to fail. Just have faith and it shall give you strength in any endeavours that you face in the future. Know that the ones that are in you life are there for a reason and can be you well of strength, bottomless and unending...

We Have Been Friends Together--Caroline Norton

WE have been friends together

In sunshine and in shade,

Since first beneath the chestnut trees,

In infancy we played.

But coldness dwells within thy heart,

A cloud is on thy brow;

We have been friends together,

Shall a light word part us now?

We have been gay together;

We have laughed at little jests;

For the fount of hope was gushing

Warm and joyous in our breasts,

But laughter now hath fled thy lip,

And sullen glooms thy brow;

We have been gay together,

Shall a light word part us now?

We have been sad together;

We have wept with bitter tears

O'er the grass-grown graves where slumbered

The hopes of early years.

The voices which are silent there

Would bid thee clear thy brow;

We have been sad together.

Oh, what shall part us now?

Moving On

Moving on is so hard to do, as well as letting go but this is what I must do. There is no point of trying to hang on when it is obvious that I am being slowly replaced. I know I shouldn't be so hurt and irritate by the little, but noticeable things i just can't help it. I am the one deciding to let go because there is nothing left to do. I am no longer needed so why keep trying? There have been things going on and changes in your life and I know nothing about it. I try to ask, to see what's happening but nothing comes of it. Instead you are turn to someone else. There are secrets, "inside jokes", and a closeness that I don't have anymore. I am happy that you're getting along and not even jealous, just didn't think that you would shut me out

So I am moving on. I have done all that I can do here and any other efforts would be useless and wasteful. I am going to quit asking when we are going to have our catch-up sessions. I am just going to quit everything all together.

Hurry up and wait

Here we are standing beside this pallet wrapped with black shrink wrap. we have already been here for two hours with our hands on the contents. We only have three more hours to go! So we just hurry up and wait.

Three hours has now past and the excitement really begins. I feel sorry for the associate that has to cut the plastic away, he has no chance of surviving. Surviving the chaos , showing pushing clawing just to grab the pallets precious cargo. The whole store is in such a feverish frenzy that the remaining associates just run and take cover.

After you have claw and fought your way for the item that are the most precious to you, start heading for the checkout-there are more territories to claim. The only thing is that traffic is worse than morning rush on 65. It takes you 15 minutes to walk about 15 feet. Once again-hurry up and wait.

time to start getting crafty. Looking left and right you notice an opening. If you could only get there in time you know which shortcut to take next. You have take this building and its layout for the past 2 weeks. made all the required escape routes so you just have to reach the opening.

Made it now the rest will be a breeze. All you have to do is...DAMN! Why is that when all you want to do is check out they dont have 24 of the 23 registers open. (not a typo, this would be what you call sarcasm). look for the shortest line and hold your ground. Hurry up and wait.

you gripe and moan the whole 3 minutes it takes to get from the end of the line, by the clothes, to the front.(once again sarcasm.) when you are out of this store you just move on to others and rinse and repeat. all the while telling yourself that you will not do this again next year.

It is all a lie. I will see you again next year doing exactly this; hurry up and wait.

Apartment Hunting

This is a very cruel game. Apartment hunting. It starts out by getting as many of those little apartment books as you can and thumbing through them. Then you start comparing apartments. By this time you are getting more and more into it. Next you move on to calling and finding out information about the ones you are interested in. Making sure it is a big enough game, oooo does it have a swimming pool that you will never use but pay for it anyways? (Yes even though it says that it is a amenity you are still payin for it, it is included in the rent. Shocker isn't it!) or how about free utilities, which are the same as the free pool. How much is rent? After the sizing up the game by scoping out with the phone you move on to setting up your area. you stalk out each potential apartment that you have narrowed it down to. The one that is close to work, the one that is the cheapest and most practical, the one that you would give your first born for because it has every possible amenity that you would ever want. You make up a reason for not going after the one close to work after visiting it, the practical one is your second choice while you have justified paying almost double for the apartment of your dreams. after you determine whether or not you can afford it you apply. Then it gets interesting. Turn in your application and wait like a hunter who has found that prize deer. You know that it is in your grasp all you are waiting on is to sign on the dotted line. You are getting ready to pull the trigger and BAM! the deers catches wind and is out of your range. You have lost all sight of the deer (apartment) and now you are back to were you started, sucks doesn't it!

explaining

When I write on here I don't expect to have to explain it to those that read this. I mean I will if the is a misunderstanding but other than that I don't like to explain. I don't write to make things easier for others. If I am writing something that is in particular interest to you that you should be able to understand it. If not than dont' ask me to explain it. I don't have hidden meanings in my writing so don't look for them. Quit getting mad when I don't want to explain it to you.It gets tiresome and aggravating. Nothing personal really just i don't like justifying my writting.

In the end

Well it is almost the end of my comp class so what does that mean?

for some, Chris, you are probably thinking that I will go back to the old ways and maybe update once every three months and for others you may think that i will just start right random, meaningless post because I have gotten use to writing constantly in here. Well to both sides I say that you are wrong.I have realized that my posts on here even when they have to be edited are my way of venting and getting my thoughts out there. even if they don't make any sense to you that is what they are. I have started a new habit and plan on continuing it a little more faithfully. I have also realized that I really have a problem with getting my writing criticized and need to work on that. Just know that this blog of mine will be here for some time to come.

Boredom

So I am off tonight and I have nothing to do. Well I do have something like homework I could be doing. I would be doing it if I have my binder and my book but it is in my car which I do not have. SO I just sit here, bored and playing on my computer. I would come out of this dull room but then that would mean I would be in the public areas where I might have to deal with a room full of tension. Which is another reason I am moving. But i have already talked about that on here. So I will just sit here and type my day away. Atleast I am working on some of my homework by doing my blog. I guess there is always a positive thing in anything.

Waiting

Sitting here waiting, waiting on what I don't even know
All I know is that I am waiting for something
Something to pull me in the direction the I need to be going
Waiting day end and day out
I am sick of waiting, why can't I just take action?
I don't have the will power to take action and I am not man enough to take
responsiblity for what might happen if I do take action.
I know it seem like I am rambling but I am not
this all makes sense to me
So I will just continue to sit here
Waiting like always

Hard Feelings

Why would there be hard feelings when you aren't the one who is to blame? That, my friend, would be silly and childish. You can't control how the other acts so you should not be the one to apologize. We are grateful for you and all that you have done for us, only wish that I could have returned the favor some how. I don't think that I have been the friend I should have been. I don't even know what is going on. Maybe it is the work schedule or just the fact that I will not go in your room to see if you are up because I would have to cross enemy lines to get there. I am not a person who likes to cause tension or uneasiness hence part of the reason we have choosen to leave. I don't want those involved in all of this to think that we are moving because they are making us. Yes, they helped but it isn't because they said that we have to that we are. I only wish that A and you understand that it is not about you. You guys have not done anything to us so once again there are no bad feelings.

The only feelings that are present are remorse, pity and I guess sympathy. Remorse in the fact that I wish this could have been the experience it should have been. Pity because,well I look at her and feel it because she is such a bitter person. And sympathy because that is just how it is. This was and still is a learning experience. You have the look at the situation and see what you can take and learn from it. Always make sure that you look for the good side to everything that seems negative.

Just because we are leaving doesn't mean that we won't be here for you. It will be the way it has always been. You will come over and hang out and we will still do the same. If you needed some where to stay for a night or two you would just call us up and we would open the door. If you needed something I would go out of my way to help if possible. That is just the type of friend I am and have always been. The only reason things would change would be if you wanted them to.

Reunited update

Just thought I would let those who read this that i have indeed talked to my half-brother. We are exchanging emails and are starting to become reacquainted. I was happy to hear that he was indeed wondering the same about myself. So I guess we are going to take it slowly and then hopefully we will meet up one day in person.