Changes

It seems that things are changing. Not just for Ray and I but as well as those in our lives. There are things in motion that cannot be stopped and even if they could it would be a grave mistake to do so. I do not care for change but I welcome it with open arms. It is unavoidable so why should I fight it? Instead I should embrace it and do everything in my power to aid it into a positive change. As far as the changes the loved ones in my life are facing I can honestly say that i do not know how they will turn out.

Here I thought that I knew most, not all, of what was going on with a friend of mine when I really don't know anything at all. Maybe it is my own fault for not trying to be overly involved with the problems and demons they may have been facing. Maybe it was partly their fault. Regardless I cannot say that I am the friend that I thought I was to them when I know nothing of what is going on. It feels like we are all taking our separate roads, leaving those the were once held in high regard in the dark to fend for themselves. Why would we knowing do such a thing when they can be some of the greatest support a person can have? Are we not setting ourselves up to fail by taking this solitary journey. But who am I to say such things? It is your life, your choice. I only wanted to be a part of it.

Back to changes. I expect the changes and hurdles that lie a head to be challenging but well worth it. We (ray and i) can no longer live like we are at this moment. It is not that we are not grateful because we are, but to be treated like we do not deserve the same respect and privileges as some of the other roommates is the final straw. This is not their house to be making the decisions that they are making. Being that I cannot not and will not address the party to which I am referring to, I turned to the "landlord" to address issues that have arisen since we have taken up residency. Although I truly believe that those issues have been mentioned because I believe the landlord to be one to keep their word, the fact that things do not change is enough. We want to be able to live some where with total comfort and know that we are not prisoners of our own room. Our marriage is the one that is hurting out of all this. Myself being that passive person that wants nothing but to make peace and Ray the one who wants to confront and take charge of the issues, we are butting heads. So enough is enough. I have backed down and allowed the unavoidable to truth to be shown. We have to do what we have to do.

I still am feeling guilt because I do not want to cause our true friends any grief or cause them to struggle. But in the end I am afraid that this situation may hurt our friendship. I know that you are going to take this personally, please don't. It is not an attack towards you just an admission of truth. I value the friendship that we have and would never do anything to sever that. I just can no longer live with the childishness and the animosity towards me that is uncalled for. I have never done anything to the one in question except try to make nice. But that is redundant.

This has grown far longer than I expected it to so I am just going to end this before I say anything else that will be my own undoing.

You always tell me when i do anything wrong
Do I ever do anything right?

Truth

Why can't you see that i want to be with you and only you?
IT is as plain as day. I tell you everyday that I love you and only you. Don't you believe it is the truth? Why else would I put myself through such torment and pain to make sure that you understand the things that you question? If i did not care I would not argue with you about the things that are not true. I would not cause myself to be so upset to the point of tears if I did not think it was something worth fighting for. But you can't keep fighting me. I cannot handle the constant speculations you have about the actions that I take or the ones that I talk to. You have to quit lying to me when I try to ask you what is bothering you or tell me all of it not a piece. It is not fair to me. Why you might ask because you are leading me to believe that we are on the same page. Every time we talk I think things are great. I never think that there is any type of problems because I believe you when you tell me everything. Then you go and blow up in my face about things that I either never knew bothered you or things that I thought we had figured out. It is not far. I thought you were happy because I am. Yes I am wrong at times and i am not afraid of admitting that but you take things out of proportion. There will be other people in my life called friends. Every time we talk I think it is meaningful and i thought you did too.
The truth is I don't want to cause you to live a life of constant suffering and doubt. I can only tell you that I am not trying to do anything wrong so many times. There is nothing else I can do to make you either believe me or not. We can have no relationship if you are not willing to trust and be secure in the fact that I chose you. I love you and I really hope you believe that.

Crashing

I hear the walls crashing down around me as I sit and do nothing
Their explosive finales are constant reminders
Reminders of irreversible damage that has been cause by one slip of the tongue
or even on slip of a finger.
Causing a catastrophic domino effect that will only end when everything has
crashed to the ground.
The support of the walls were not as stable as I remembered
Nothing I can do now except let their songs ring through and through until I finally see the buried truth.

If I had enough strength on my own I would support these walls
I know that I do not so I don't even bother trying.
Since I cannot stop these walls from falling once the cycle has started,
I will just sit here in my dusty vast nothingness and wait for the light
that will guide me home

Not Perfect
by Angell

There are many ways to describe a friend
There are many wise sayings that help us understand

But the truth beyond it allIs that a friend
Is so much more
Its more than a caring touch
its more than a friendly smile

When you have one true friend
Its more than your share, they say
Many of us have friends who are
Less than perfect, we might as well say

Sometimes they manage to stab us in the back
Sometimes they fail to comfort us in time of need
Sometimes they fail to heal our wounds when we bleed

We all need friends as they need us
We aren't perfect neither are they
But no matter how imperfect
True friends will remain true friends
........ Forever

Ray

The Light Upon The Sea
by Robert S. Bise

There was a time it seemed as though
My life was tossing to and fro
And I, left with nowhere to go,
Was subject to the sea.

But there, ahead, a beam of light
Peered through the darkness of the night
And granted to me clearer sight
That I might be set free.

I steered a course toward the land
To find a refuge on the sand
And maybe touch the gentle hand
That guided me along.

And when I reached the coast that night,
Upon a hill, the shining light
Was tended by a welcome sight . . .
My friends had led me home.

Friendship

There comes a time where a deep friendship that you have some one gets tested. When this happens most people can sort the fact from the bullshit and find the solution to whatever it is. This is also the time when you get to see what your friends really think about you verses what they portray to your face. For a friend of mine to attack my character and make assumptions really hurts. I have never been one to judge or lie about situations that cannot be avoided so why would you think I was? I thought you knew me a little better than this? I might be dragging this on and on but i really don't think you understand to the extent that this has hurt me. I am not a vindictive person and would not do something out of spite. Maybe I was wrong for thinking that you knew me or that any of you knew me. It takes a certain type of friendship for people to be able to live together. I don't like living somewhere with my "friends" and constantly worrying about what they are saying and thinking about me. All this over something so frivolous I can only imagine whose side they would be on if something major happened. FRIENDS DON'T BRING FRIENDS TO THE POINT OF TEARS!!!!!!!
So know after this post I will have to watch what I write because I am no longer allowed to rant and rave on here because it is viewed as me judging someone. wow and here I thought this was my blog to do just that...

Addictions

removed because others found offensive and "judgemental" so much for using my blog to rant....

New Tattoo

So I am getting a new tattoo, well I am going to start working on my sleeve for my left leg. I cannot wait to get it. I am giving my artist freedom to do whatever he thinks will look great."Hi! My name is Erica and I am a tattoo addict." ;) I will hopefully be able to pics up of my tattoos but there is some lazy bum, who I will not name, that will not help me figure out how to put them in the side bar. Anyways back to tattoos. I am really tired of hearing from different people that my tattoos are permanent and that I should stop with the ones I have and not get anymore. First off, don't you think that I know they are permanent? I am not that stupid. It is ink with a needle going past my first layer of skin, yea it is going to be there for ever. I think tattoos are an expression of art just like any painting. I am proud of my tattoos even that name I have on my arm. I choose to get to tattoos because I use them to express feelings or remember dates that are important to me. This is my body and my choice so back up off me and worry about your own! So i am done ranting about that now. I must start paying attention to my class.

Reunited

I have a half brother that I have been looking for over the past 8 years. I never thought about using places like myspace to find him either. After reading an article about a person who did just that I decided to give it a try. Wouldn't you know that on my first try I found who I was looking for! I thought that would be the hard part of finding him but I never thought about how it would be if I reached out to him. I kept contemplating whether or not I should contact him. What if he doesn't remember me or just wants nothing to do with me? I don't think I could really handle that because we are family even though he hates our father. So I sent him a message anyways but I made sure that I included the part saying he doesn't have to feel obligated to respond to me except to say that it is him. That is really all I want to know besides if he is doing ok. I would just have to deal with the truth if he didn't want to reach out to me. So now all I can do is sit and wait....

Sickness

It is amazing how someone can be sick or injured and yet the ones that are suppose to love them do not believe them. I don't understand why people would think that most people like to "Fake" sick or injured. It just seems like a waste of time to me. If I am hurt then I am hurt and the same goes for sick. But anyways that is all the ranting I want to do about that .

Backfired

What is the defination of a friend? Friend- a: one attached to another by affection or esteem b: acquaintance2 a: one that is not hostile b: one that is of the same nation, party, or group3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)4: a favored companion5capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war —called also Quaker

I like to think that is what i am. I try to help others that are close to me any way that I can. I give a hundred percent into my friendships. When they need someone to talk to I am there. SO why is it that when I try to talk to my "Friends" I tend to bring out the worse or make them sad? It is not my intentions. I mean why would I do such a thing to the people in my life? If you are in my life it means that you matter to me so I could not do such a thing. Or better yet why is that when I try to conversate with one of them they have to go and assume that it is I have a crush on them? Why can't it be just because I want to talk to them? I am so sick of hearing about the things that I cause after I drag it out of them. Can you not just be honest and upfront? So I guess that I will just have to go back to being the person I was and not socialize or help anyone because I am tired of this. Tired of others thinking that I have a second agenda. ANd here i was thinking that I was actually helping them. Damn how stupid could I be.

Insecurities

Why must you keep thinking that something is going to happen? Can I not be friends with someone and not be trying to be with them or they try to be with me? I am with you and choose to be that way so why do I always notice that when I am hanging around a person more than once you start? I like only having a few good friends that i can hang out with but that doesn't mean that anything is going to happen. Why must you make me feel like I cannot have a really friendship with anyone without you getting an attitude or making the comments that you do? Don't say that you don't because we both know that you do, you have already admitted it remember. I just wish that for once you would start trusting others and myself when it comes to me. Nothing is going to happen and those in my life know that I am taken so why do you worry so? I don't freak out when you are talking to one of the two ladies I know about that like you unless they are being sneaky. It is called being secure in our relationship and it is called trust. It just doesn't seem like you are very secure and it is really bothering me. I am tired of having to drag it out of you when I know that you a starting to think suspicious thoughts. Hell I am tired of you having them. Why can't you just trust that there is nothing and will never be anything going on? You should be proud and flattered that your wife is still attractive to people. Hell i am when people say things about you. The first thing I think is not about how that person must be trying to steal you away but rather about how damn lucky I am that you chose me Out of everyone else. In the end you need to start having trust and stop being so damn insecure

So this is what i need right now, a little peace and tranquility. I love this pic because it reminds me of where i took it. It was a gorgeous stop along the road in the Smokey mountain state park. It was the most beautiful place that i have seen in a while. I could have just stayed there for hours. I love natural beauty and beautiful landscapes. Maybe I should learn how to take landscape pictures or something. Anyways justthought I would share

I started my English Composition Class today and as part of my grade I have to do a journal or have a blog. Well I guess it is a good thing that I have blog, even though i am not faithful to it. So I have to post 20-30 times this month so yay for me. But I like the fact that I can write whatever that I want to. anyways on to my posting!

so the husband and i are making a move, we are going to move in with a friend as long as nothing gets in the way.
I am kinda leary about it but it has nothing to do with the friend or actually moving. I know we need to move but i don't like change. I like knowing that everything i need is around me. Knowing i can walk to work if I need to. I am going to miss my little apartment which I have grown very attached to. But in the end I guess it is for the better for everyone. And i truly look forward to having money and catching those bills up and helping out a friend.

I heard some shocking news today. My once lesbian friend is getting married. That isn't even the craziest part, she has only been dating him for about 3 weeks. Now I am not against love and marriage but I think that you have to invest some time in getting to know a person and that you cannot know that you want to marry some one after 3 weeks! I love her to death and I will support her but I just don't want her to get hurt. I try to explain to herthat she needs to make sure there isn't any skeleton in this guys closet. Being sneaky like I am I told her I would help her plan the wedding knowing that I am going to take my time just so she can make sure this is what she wants. I know what kind of relationships she usually gets herself in and I just wnat to make sure this isn't one of them The guy seems nice but so did some of the others. She is a great girl and deserves only the best and not all guys see that. I know she watns to be married and have a family one day but rushing into it is not the way. I hope she realizes that I am only looking out for her best interests!

I have recently discovered that I have a new addiction! I am addicted to POGO. How have I come to this realization you ask? Well it's like this. I have joined numerous leagues to play in tournaments on Pogo, I can stay on for 4 or more hours and be perfectly content as long as there are cigarettes in front of me, and I am constantly thinking about the next badge or can't wait till I get home to play whatever game that happens to be on my mind. I guess out of all the types of addictions this one isn't soo bad, well except the back pain from being in this damn chair. But o well maybe one day they will have a PA (Pogo Anonymous)!

As the days go by I sit and wonder what exactly have I done with my life. I mean I know I have succeeded in graduating, getting married and holding a job, but what have I truly accomplished? I haven't graduated college only high school and the job I have isn't the career I want all my life. Each day that passes is just one day I let slip by without obtaining anything. When I go to my high school reunion I want to be able to brag about my life and everything that I have accomplished. I fear that I am going to die without knowing that sense of completion. Every day I worry about death and how short life can really be. It has gotten to a point that I have depressed myself by dwelling on that one fact, the fact the death is unavoidable. I love living even though it isn't the easy thing to do. I cannot seem to motivated myself to go out and achieve the things that I desire to achieve all because in the end I know that death will still come. I wish that I did believe in religion and heaven and hell because then I wouldn't worry so much about death because I know it wouldn't be over for me. But I cannot bring myself to believe in something so hyprocritical as religion. All and all this is a very dark and depressing post but I needed to vent. To continue hold all of this in would in the end be my undoing

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