Sickness

It is amazing how someone can be sick or injured and yet the ones that are suppose to love them do not believe them. I don't understand why people would think that most people like to "Fake" sick or injured. It just seems like a waste of time to me. If I am hurt then I am hurt and the same goes for sick. But anyways that is all the ranting I want to do about that .

Backfired

What is the defination of a friend? Friend- a: one attached to another by affection or esteem b: acquaintance2 a: one that is not hostile b: one that is of the same nation, party, or group3: one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)4: a favored companion5capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war —called also Quaker

I like to think that is what i am. I try to help others that are close to me any way that I can. I give a hundred percent into my friendships. When they need someone to talk to I am there. SO why is it that when I try to talk to my "Friends" I tend to bring out the worse or make them sad? It is not my intentions. I mean why would I do such a thing to the people in my life? If you are in my life it means that you matter to me so I could not do such a thing. Or better yet why is that when I try to conversate with one of them they have to go and assume that it is I have a crush on them? Why can't it be just because I want to talk to them? I am so sick of hearing about the things that I cause after I drag it out of them. Can you not just be honest and upfront? So I guess that I will just have to go back to being the person I was and not socialize or help anyone because I am tired of this. Tired of others thinking that I have a second agenda. ANd here i was thinking that I was actually helping them. Damn how stupid could I be.

Insecurities

Why must you keep thinking that something is going to happen? Can I not be friends with someone and not be trying to be with them or they try to be with me? I am with you and choose to be that way so why do I always notice that when I am hanging around a person more than once you start? I like only having a few good friends that i can hang out with but that doesn't mean that anything is going to happen. Why must you make me feel like I cannot have a really friendship with anyone without you getting an attitude or making the comments that you do? Don't say that you don't because we both know that you do, you have already admitted it remember. I just wish that for once you would start trusting others and myself when it comes to me. Nothing is going to happen and those in my life know that I am taken so why do you worry so? I don't freak out when you are talking to one of the two ladies I know about that like you unless they are being sneaky. It is called being secure in our relationship and it is called trust. It just doesn't seem like you are very secure and it is really bothering me. I am tired of having to drag it out of you when I know that you a starting to think suspicious thoughts. Hell I am tired of you having them. Why can't you just trust that there is nothing and will never be anything going on? You should be proud and flattered that your wife is still attractive to people. Hell i am when people say things about you. The first thing I think is not about how that person must be trying to steal you away but rather about how damn lucky I am that you chose me Out of everyone else. In the end you need to start having trust and stop being so damn insecure

So this is what i need right now, a little peace and tranquility. I love this pic because it reminds me of where i took it. It was a gorgeous stop along the road in the Smokey mountain state park. It was the most beautiful place that i have seen in a while. I could have just stayed there for hours. I love natural beauty and beautiful landscapes. Maybe I should learn how to take landscape pictures or something. Anyways justthought I would share

I started my English Composition Class today and as part of my grade I have to do a journal or have a blog. Well I guess it is a good thing that I have blog, even though i am not faithful to it. So I have to post 20-30 times this month so yay for me. But I like the fact that I can write whatever that I want to. anyways on to my posting!

so the husband and i are making a move, we are going to move in with a friend as long as nothing gets in the way.
I am kinda leary about it but it has nothing to do with the friend or actually moving. I know we need to move but i don't like change. I like knowing that everything i need is around me. Knowing i can walk to work if I need to. I am going to miss my little apartment which I have grown very attached to. But in the end I guess it is for the better for everyone. And i truly look forward to having money and catching those bills up and helping out a friend.

I heard some shocking news today. My once lesbian friend is getting married. That isn't even the craziest part, she has only been dating him for about 3 weeks. Now I am not against love and marriage but I think that you have to invest some time in getting to know a person and that you cannot know that you want to marry some one after 3 weeks! I love her to death and I will support her but I just don't want her to get hurt. I try to explain to herthat she needs to make sure there isn't any skeleton in this guys closet. Being sneaky like I am I told her I would help her plan the wedding knowing that I am going to take my time just so she can make sure this is what she wants. I know what kind of relationships she usually gets herself in and I just wnat to make sure this isn't one of them The guy seems nice but so did some of the others. She is a great girl and deserves only the best and not all guys see that. I know she watns to be married and have a family one day but rushing into it is not the way. I hope she realizes that I am only looking out for her best interests!

I have recently discovered that I have a new addiction! I am addicted to POGO. How have I come to this realization you ask? Well it's like this. I have joined numerous leagues to play in tournaments on Pogo, I can stay on for 4 or more hours and be perfectly content as long as there are cigarettes in front of me, and I am constantly thinking about the next badge or can't wait till I get home to play whatever game that happens to be on my mind. I guess out of all the types of addictions this one isn't soo bad, well except the back pain from being in this damn chair. But o well maybe one day they will have a PA (Pogo Anonymous)!

As the days go by I sit and wonder what exactly have I done with my life. I mean I know I have succeeded in graduating, getting married and holding a job, but what have I truly accomplished? I haven't graduated college only high school and the job I have isn't the career I want all my life. Each day that passes is just one day I let slip by without obtaining anything. When I go to my high school reunion I want to be able to brag about my life and everything that I have accomplished. I fear that I am going to die without knowing that sense of completion. Every day I worry about death and how short life can really be. It has gotten to a point that I have depressed myself by dwelling on that one fact, the fact the death is unavoidable. I love living even though it isn't the easy thing to do. I cannot seem to motivated myself to go out and achieve the things that I desire to achieve all because in the end I know that death will still come. I wish that I did believe in religion and heaven and hell because then I wouldn't worry so much about death because I know it wouldn't be over for me. But I cannot bring myself to believe in something so hyprocritical as religion. All and all this is a very dark and depressing post but I needed to vent. To continue hold all of this in would in the end be my undoing

COOL MySpace Comments

It is soo much easier to maintain my blog when I have access to the internet on the daily basis. But the fact that I haven't been able to do so until now doesn't mean anything to anyone except the only one who reads this, and even then I am not sure he does anymore either. O well I can atleast say that it is good to be back.

Life is so short as I was shown recently in the past week
Things seem to change and some just cease to exists
It isn't until this things disappear that I realize how much it affects me and my life
Even from losing an associate to losing a friendship.
It makes you think about your life and if you are really making the best of it
I thought I was until I realized that I wasn't living it to it's fullest potential
So I have decided to make some changes with my life and how i live it
Some of the changes i plan on making I should have made a long time ago and some are just recent realizations that I have had. I am scared of change but I also know that change is needed
I may lose some friends and relationships along the way but in the end what I will gain will make up for it. I have to stop living in the past and start moving towards the future. That can only happen if I live for the moment and make decisions that will have a positive affect on my future. Life is too short for me to do the things I use to in the past and I want my life to mean something to someone. And that someone has to be me before it can be anyone else. If I have made my relationships with certain people as strong as I think I have then they should survive but I know in my heart that some will fail me because I have failed them. Those that survive will be the ones that help me with my long term goal and those are the only ones i need,
because i will never know when my life will come to it's abrupt end.

what happens when we run out of things to talk about?

i am ready to say how i really feel so are you ready to listen?
Are you ready to deal with the drama and issues i have?
Can you handle me and the way I am?
How much do you really know about me and the type of person i am?
well you be there to catch me when i fall?
or be the support i need cause i will really it in the end
Can you be patient with me cause it will take time
I know what i want
Are you sure that you will be ready and that you will still want it

So it is like five in the mornin and I can't sleep. So I decided to make a post since haven't done it in a while. so here goes
Why is it that when you need help the most all of a sudden no one is there to help you. I mean i thought friends were suppose to help out. I know that some decisions I have to make on my own or visa versa with everyone else but when you ask for help i mean someone should help if they can. I mean they could do anything from being a shoulder to lean on or just give advice.

Pushing me further and further away
Not even noticing the distance that is growing
but is it the distant that is non existing to you or is it me?]
I loved you and still love you
I cared for you and would have done anything for you
But did you ever feel the same bout me?
You say that you do/did
but it is hard to believe.
Why should I believe you when you haven't even been honest with yourself>
one day I may believe you and let you back in
But that is far off in the distant future.
Show me that I am important to you
THat I actually mean something to you
Then maybe we can go from there
But 0nly until you can be honest to yourself
I am gone, Giving up some may call it
But either way it is safe for me and my feelings this way
So it is up to you

All That I'm Living For
(song lyrics---Amy Lee)

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night

I can feel the night beginning
separate me from the living
understand me
after all I've seen
piecing every thought together
find the words to make me better
if I only knew how to pull myself apart

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night
all that I'm wanted for
althought I wanted more
lock the last open door
my ghosts are gaining on me

I believe that dreams are sacred
take my darkest fears and play them
like a lullaby
like a reason why
like a play of my obsessions
make me understand the lesson
so I'll find myself
so I won't be lost again

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night
all that I'm wanted for
although I wanted more
lock the last open door
my ghost are gaining on me

Guess I thought I'd have to change the world
to make you see me
to be the one
I could have run forever
but how far would I have come
without mourning your love?

All that I'm living for
all that I'm dying for
all that I can't ignore alone at night
all that I'm wanted for
althought I wanted more
lock the last open door
my ghosts are gaining on me

should it hurt to love you?
should I feel like I do?
should I lock the last open door
my ghosts are gaining on me....

It is funny how much can be changed within a person
A person can change their hair, weight, eye color, and even their sexual orientation
But the only thing that cannot be change is who that person is deep down inside.
So why do why try so hard to do such an impossible deed?
What is the goal that will be received if we were ever able to accomplish changing our true selves?
The way I see it is this is like this,
Even if we were able to change our true selves into something that we thought we should be is it really worth it in the end?
You have to stop and think about why you are wanting to change or why you should have to change
No one should have to change for someone that they love or want to be with because then it wouldn't be true,
So really you can only be true to yourself and accept who you are deep down.

What happened to us?
We used to be really close friends
But now I only get the feeling that you couldn't care if I was around
Losing you as a friend is a nightmare that I do not want to face
You said that you would never push me a way well it seems like you are now
What could I have done to make you put the walls up and the mask back on?
I thought we could talk about things but whenever I try it just seems like I am bothering you
It hurts me all these thoughts that I really don't know are true.
I could just be extremely paranoid or they could be true and you just won't tell me
I don't want to stop being your friend and I don't want to stop caring about you
If you had only given me a honest straightforward answer where you did not change your mind
Maybe I would have known what to do
But don't punish me because I am or was unsure of what to do because I was getting mixed ideas from you
I am sorry that you waited a year, I never knew
I am sorry if I caused you confusion, it was never my intention
I am sorry if I have caused you pain, cause it is something i never wanted to do
So I only ask that we can atleast be friends again like you said
I want to help you when you have questions, need advice or whatever like before
I know it cannot be exactly like before but it could be close
I won't bother you anymore about what started this unless you want to talk to me about it
I promise!
I just want my friend back
Please forgive me.....

Good Enough---Amy Lee

Under your spell again
I can't say no to you
crave my heart and its bleeding in your hand
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly
now I can't let go of this dream
I can't breathe but I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough for you

Drunk up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
and I've completely lost myself
and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

Shouldn't have let you
conquer me completely
now I can't let go of this dream
can't believe that I feel

Good enough
I feel good enough
its been such a long time coming,
but I feel good

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
pour real life down on me
cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough
am I good enough
for you to love me too!

So take care what you ask of me,
cause I can't say no