So I am trying to make changes on here and I am not doing to well I think. So I guess I am going to have to beg for help!!!! Suggestions? Anyone?

My heart broke a little today when you told me the news
I couldn't believe it and probably still don't
I know you have been talking about it and telling me that you were going to
But part of me thought that you would never go through with it
I guess I was wrong and so now I will have to adjust
Adjust to not being about to talk to you whenever I feel like
Or not being about to come over and just shoot the breeze
Constant worry is going to set in whenever you make this venture
Worrying whether or not you are surviving, safe or warm
You never think about how much you will miss someone until they are gone
That is all I have been thinking about tonight
I just hope that you will keep in touch like you said you will
I hope that you won't forget the ones that are here waiting for you
Remember that you will always have a friend in me
When you need my help I will be here or even when you just need to vent
In a way I think you were right about soul mates

Happy New Year Everyone!!!!!


So a new year has come, what to do this year? To everyone that might read this hope you have a great new year and that you accomplish everything that you want to. That is all I am writing tonight because the rest would just be a drunken rant that made no sense!

It has been a year since I started this blog and I still have some of the old post on here.
I guess you would say that I wasn't committed to this blog and I guess that you would be right.
But as I was thinking about my old posts I started thinking about what I had accomplished and what I had lost this year. Needless to say I think I started the year off better than I am ending it.
All the friendships that I thought I had have totally flown out the window and I still only have that one friend I have had since freshman year and the newest one that I made in 2004 at work. But I guess that just shows i am not worried about how many friends I have. The way I see it I can have all the hugest number of friends but how of them would actually be a true friend? I mean I rather have two or three true to life friends then like twenty fake ones. It takes a lot to be my friend I think. I expect support in a hard situation or a shoulder to cry on. I expect my friends to tell me when I am heading down a dark path. I expect my friends to rely on me and call me when they need a shoulder to cry on. I expect my friends to understand and accept the hard hurtful truth from me when I am trying to help them. So yea I guess I expected too much out of the other friendships I had in the beginning but only the strongest survive so I think I beat the house in the end.

I wish that people would just get over themselves.
I wish that we as humans could learn to love and live together with everyone.
I wish that everyone could be accepted for who they are and not seen as a "sickness"

I thought we were the loving and caring species?
I mean if that were true then why are there hate crimes?
Why are there murders? rapes? kidnappings?
Is the human race just totally uncappable of love and acceptance?

Why should some of my friends have to be afraid of being themselves?
Afraid that if their true self were seen they would be ridiculed and singled out.
Afraid that if they showed their true self certain rights would be withheld from them.
Doesn't this kind of behavior prove that some classes of people aren't even seen as people or even treated the same as others?


I just want to know what the world has come to
I just want to know why I should raise a child in a world like ours
Where so many are hurt because others are afraid.

Ok so I haven't been so faithful to my blog. I promise this time things will be different,i have my internet and computer back so hey I can access this all the time. Can you forgive? Well if you don't I really don't care because once again this site isn't for your sake it is for mine!!
Some words of advice. If you are going to make comments to people that are totally disrespectful and racist in nature don't get pissed when that person starts going off. Common sense right? Right! I mean why are you going to get pissed when you are the one that made the stupid ass comments in the first place? Just thought I would throw that out there.
So Christmas is upon us. One more week and the hype will be all over. My only gripe about Christmas is this. I am not a really religous person by far. I mean I have my beliefs, but the meaning of Christmas is no longer the meaning that it was suppose to be. Feel me?! Christmas was suppose to be the celebration of Christ's birth but it isn't any more. Now it is all about buying buying and spending spending. Gotta have a PS3 or a ninendo wii, or whatever the hot items are. I think that everyone(who believes in the birth of Christ) should stop and think really long and hard about how they are celebrating the holiday. Pay attention to yourselves and see if you have lost the meaning of Christmas some where in the hustle and bustle. If you have maybe you should take the time to celebrate and remember what it is all about.
One last thing. I work for wal-Mart and contrary to popular belief I will be saying Merry Christmas, I always have. My outlook is this if you do not celebrate Christmas because of your religion or what not then politely inform the cashier that you don't or something other that getting offended. We do not know your religion or background and will not get upset if your were to correct us. Well Merry Christmas everyone.

So I have been slacking for a while but who cares considering the fact that you are the only one that reads this(Chris)!! I have been having a lot going on but nothing to really write about. I have some words of advice though. Don't get drunk and expect not to do something stupid or really really bad...... Don't become gay lesbian bi whatever just because you want to be liked by someone you know that is. And last but not least be true to yourself about what you really want in life and every aspect of it.

So tomorrow is July 7th huh? Well that is going to be one depressing day. Tomorrow is my Grandmas birthday and for those of you who don't know she pasted away on April 21. I want everyone of you who says that the pain will get better or that it will go away to stop telling bullshit lies! This pain will never go away although it may lessen ( I highly doubt that too) I was way too damn close to her for it to just go away. Every damn day I think about her and every day i start thinking that I am really deeply depressed. Although the world may not see me that way believe me when I say I am. This pain reaches to the bottom of my soul and I think that it is starting to pull me down with it. I will not and still do not accept the fact that she is really gone. She will be there in her gown on her bed in her trailer when I go over to visit her.... But who and the hell am I kidding the only one over there is my drunk ass uncle who stole from her and lied to her and used her to get his next fixed. The money came from kentucky from her retirement. she had no Life insurance so this 5000 is all that the family is going to get. Her funeral hasn't even been paid for yet because we have been waiting on this check, meaning my mom and I, but there is a catch--- it is going to the stupid, jobless drunkards! So my mother who was also one of my grandma's children will probably never see this money that was previous agreed to go towards the cost of the funeral. So it looks like my mother will get stuck with paying this and never see it or get help from my grandma's other to children.
So everyday I am reminded of my Grandmother and everyday the pain only gets stronger not weaker. So all fo you giving the false sense of hope GO FUCK YOURSELF!!! Cause i don't need anymore shit than I already have.

so who can say that I have been slacking just a little? Yea I know you can Chris but anyways. So here is a long overdue post. But it isn't going to be much of run cause I have to run. I have a certain friend that seems to be afraid to take this little bitty ol test because he nevers seems to "remember" take it or he doesn't have the time. Really he is just avoiding it!!! But anyways. My life is getting better i think since a drunk night which involved a drunk talk of true thoughts. damn liquid courage!! Also this is to someone who reads this and you know who you are. I honestly cannot believe that you thought I was leaving that stuff on your blog! I would never say or do some shit like that nor would I try to mess up something that you have with him. That is just really stupid. I really don't understand how you came to the conclusion that it was me although I know that you don't anymore or atleast i hope you know. But that is it for now kiddies until we me again....

OK so this is for all the shit I have been getting over my posts. Let me make this clearer for you guys! What I post isn't always my own thoughts or feelings sometimes not even my own words. But some of the one's that are my own words may not be true to anything in my life, just wrote it cause I liked that way it sounded. So once again I am not going to defend what is on here nor am I going to try to make you believe me. I will, however, refer you to look at the profile underneath my tag board if you need it to be explained even better. If that doesn't work and you just can't seem to get it, I suggest this; DON'T READ MY FUCKING BLOG!!!!! THIS IS MY WORK OR STUFF THAT INTERESTS ME NOT YOU. There doesn't have to be a meaning to anything I write or post so if I say there isn't one then THERE ISN'T ONE!!!! Got it? Well i fucking hope so!!!

So I was on vacation for the last week. I went down to atlanta and seen my cousin. They seriously don't know how to drive! Other than that nothing has really been going on. I really don't want to go back to work.... Oh and Chris won't help me change my blog cause he is a loser. THat is all for now, I will write more when i have time tonight

Darkness sets in as I close my eyes
It fills my soul as I allow it to engulf my body.
I welcome this darkness for it is my only escape.
Escape from this world and all the pain.
The pain caused by the ones who "love" me
The pain that seems to follow me through out my life.
Where is my beacon of light?
Do I even have a beacon of light or has that too become engulfed by the darkness?

So I have a great new game that everyone should try, hide-n-seek in a dark scary house that was built on a grave yard with a freaky basement. I promise it is actually fun as long as you don't bring out the guns!No but really i have been having a great time at Chris's house with our stupid little kid games. IT is kinda like a way that i can forget any problems i have and act like a kid again. Which, by the way, I would recommend to everyone cause it really is a great way to relax. But don't tear up the person's house everytime you go over there! But back to acting like a kid again. This has got me thinking about how much i forget to have fun and not take things too seriously. Life is way too short to be doing this. one day I am going to wake up and ask myself where has the time gone. I don't want to sit and regret how much i never did because I thought i was too old or that i would always have the time. I have learned to face the fact that everday that i waste is a day that I will not be getting back. If i could go back I am pretty sure there are many things that i would change but hindsight is 20/20!

What great joy marriage is. Day in and day out I get to sit and listen to my husband bad mouth me, belittle me, tell me that I don't do anything, oooo and that I am not attractive to him anymore. It is not like my self esteem is sooo high right now that I can handle it. I think I have come to realize that I am slipping into a severe state of depression. Being surrounded by negativity every day doesn't make things better. It feels like my husband isn't even happy with me anymore and I don't even know why. Things have changed and we are slowly falling apart...

Will you let the little time you have on this earth slip through your fingertips?


Here is my thought for the day...(my 2 cents)...stop what you are doing right now!
Now, think real hard about whether or not what you were currently doing was a big waste of time.
Could you picture yourself doing something that you really wanted to do?
If so then why aren't you doing it!
We all have very little time in this world and should seriously consider this when we go to waste it.
We never know when it is going to happen so why waste a precious second?


Get out there and do what you want cause it is you time and no one else's!

Unhappiness fills my soul
As I gaze into his caring eyes
My mind has already let go
But my heart is unwilling
I'm just dragging him along
So I will have someone just to go home to.
I know it is selfish and wrong
But I have to have someone in my life.
So I can't let go, not yet
He's the best thing I have going for me
The only thing I have going for me
I need him
I love him
But I can't handle this
No trust
Constant arguing
Give it another chance
Cause I know it can work
Just keep telling myself this
Because who else is there?
I'll settle for this
Because this is all I have
I just want to be loved
And he is the only one
The only one who loves me.

We all take life for granted
Thinking there will be a tomorrow
For many of us there is a sunrise
But for some only darkness
We go day to day living for the next
When we should live for now
Some get the chance to chase their dreams
Others don't get a chance to dream
Everyone is immortal, or so they may think
Until you never awake
So live your life to the fullest
Each and everyday
Because you may never know
When God will take it a way.

I wrote the words "I miss you" in the sand
The blue of the sea that day was too dazzling

I wander alone, searching for you
Among the passing crowds in the bustling cities
I turned as though I faintly heard
A voice calling for me, but no one was there

Such painful feelings are just hard to bear
The sun burns as it shines down on me

I wrote the words "I miss you" in the sand
The blue of the sea that day was too dazzling
When I whispered the words "please get my message" [1]
The shade of the clouds that day was too sorrowful

"There's no such thing as a never-ending story"
You murmured as you looked away
Now that I understand the meaning of those words all too late
You aren't here

I finally realised that these days of playing dress-up
Over and over again are just pointless
Wanting to tell you those words of "thank you"
I ran through the crowd at sunset
My heart is shouting out its need to cry
The sun is laughing as it looks down on me

I dream, wondering if you will come for me
While I've fallen asleep, worn out from crying; I miss you

I wrote the words "I miss you" in the sand
The blue of the sea that day was too dazzling
If I bring myself to say the word "goodbye"
I wonder if I can relieve these heartbreaking feelings?

"Man does not make meaning, man makes illusions and traps for himself."

So my New year is starting off very shitty. My husband just decides to get drunk and tell me that he is leaving me and that I am sch a fucking liar. OOOO and that I am hiding this big ass secret. See now he is talking about something from way in the past that we were suppose to have let go/. So yea I just give up/ He just keep sitting here making me look like and ass and just keeps talking. Doesn't really care about he is making me feel. I just give up