Trapped

I am really hoping that I will not stay trapped in this state of depression. It seems like I cannot stop thinking about it and even the bare mention of it brings me to the point of uncontrollable crying. I mean I finally got what I wanted and it was taken from me. Every cramp I feel just brings me back to the fact that I have lost my child, my first child. I know that it was only embryo to everyone else in the real world but to me it was my child. Now I am stuck here, all alone with the only thing to do being to think about it over and over again. So it seems that writing is helping soothe my soul and calm my heart.

I really am hoping and praying that when I go back into the world and start having human interaction again that everyone will already know about what happened and that no one will say a thing about it to me. Yea, I know these are high hopes because there is always at least one that thinks it is perfectly OK to ask such questions because they are curious and totally oblivious to the other persons feelings and emotional state. With that being said, I can say that my emotional state at the moment is teetering. I feel like at any moment I will just crack and break down into a million little pieces. I am just waiting for the right amount of pressure to come along.

I have lost interest in going to class and have not gone since last Thursday. I do not want to go to the family gathering that Ray's dad has every year on Derby. I just don't want to be around all of the family mostly because I feel like I have let them down. The other reason is because I don't want the attention to be on me or have everyone try to "cure" me. I don't want them giving me advice or asking me what happened. I don't want to have to give the minute by minute run threw from Sunday. I also don't want to feel like I am bringing what is usually a fun and happy day down to one that is dark and depressing because I am there. I can honestly say that I don't want to go because it will only depress me even more.

Hell, I don't even want to be around any of my friends and coworkers that are expecting because it is just a reminder of what I wasn't able to successfully do and what I can't have. I just want to stay at my house or maybe be somewhere alone with Ray and occasionally see Kim. That's it.

Ray keeps saying that eventually I will be able to get over this and move on but I am not sure. I am still a little depressed about my Grandma's death and that was 3 years ago. We'll see, we'll see